Accepting My Internal Thoughts.

To say I have no idea how to accept how I feel inside has got to be the biggest understatement of all time. I feel unstable about my emotional state. I am not a violent person, but it feels like my insides are at battle with each other all of the time. I have conflicts with my own desires, my own sense of right and wrong. Sometimes, I get caught up and focused on things I want to be true, but have no basis in logic. And trust me, some of those thoughts tend towards violating my own belief systems.

I suppose at the most basic level, I just don’t know how to accept them as they are. Unfortunately, I allow fear to be a ruling force in my life and tend to make a lot of decisions out of fear and anxiety. I place a lot of emphasis on other people’s opinions of me, because I tend to thrive off of others’ respect for me and the fear of losing that respect tends to drive me towards something that others can accept.

Granted, even as I explain this and see the words I’m typing, I fully recognize that this is not serving my mental health very well, but I also have to ask myself if part of my mental health means making others happy? What if that is the case for me? I mean, as an example, if I were suicidal (I’m not right now) and I made a promise to someone to not kill myself because they needed me, would that not be something that benefits me if it makes that person happy?

I’ve been having so many crazy thoughts the past couple of weeks that I wonder why I have them? What is it that makes me feel the way I do? Sometimes I don’t want the things I think about and other times I Simply just want to fuck everything off and enjoy the thoughts. I can’t seem to find what it is that gives me a sense of peace or a peace that seems obtainable. I know that the mere act of obsessing over these thoughts is the detrimental part, but at the same time, I don’t know that putting any of my thoughts into any sort of substantial action would actually give me the peace or serenity I desire in life.

I just don’t know…

…anything…

…about anything.

2 thoughts on “Accepting My Internal Thoughts.

  1. Here’s the problem with belief systems: More often than not, they don’t react well to change or the truth or even a different truth. We all try to make other people happy and put their happiness above our own even though we find out that if we’re not happy – or being made happy – then making others happy becomes a problem. Bill Cosby said that he didn’t know the secret to success but the secret to failure is trying to please everyone (paraphrased). And he was right about that whether you like the guy or not.

    Another problem. Once you believe something to be true, you usually continue to believe that even when presented with information that says what you believe isn’t true or not the whole truth. We don’t like having our beliefs questioned or challenged and when we have reason to do that ourselves, well, it’s a cluster fuck that doesn’t make one feel good and it can be so bad that we find it easier to reject the new reality and stick with that which we believe.

    Or as I told a friend the other day, just because you believe it to be true doesn’t mean it really is. It’s that thing that makes you say, “Yeah, but…” when someone says something that your intelligence knows is the truth or a different but valid point of view – and the “but” contains things that are mostly based on what you believe more than what, if anything, you’ve actually experienced.

    We all want peace and serenity; life, however, really doesn’t give a flying fuck about what we want but, sure, if you want and need this, you gotta do it for yourself because the truth is no one is going to do it for you even they’re “supposed” to. That’s why the thing I call Rule Number One exists: Look after your own ass first. We all hold true that if you can’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of anyone else and you’ve read this and I’d wager your first thought will be, “I know, but…” and if if the “but” goes unspoken. Not to worry, though: Almost everyone will respond that way to that statement but it creates a conflict, doesn’t it? Feels selfish? Even feels wrong since you’re supposed to give your all for everyone else and that assing yourself out is considered to be a noble sacrifice?

    What others think? Fuck them. But I wonder how many people who knows you are looking at you and thinking, “Man, that dude is all kinds of fucked up!” They wouldn’t say that to your face (maybe) but if you spend time worrying about what other people think, you’re hosed and that’s being nice about it. And the messed up part? Sometimes what other people say about us is actually right because they have the advantage of not being us so they can see all the stuff we aren’t able to see about ourselves, stuff we ignore or putz around with because of what we believe more than anything else. We think we’re doing things “the right way” but, at the same time, we know we aren’t. We know we need to change some shit about ourselves and how we do whatever… but change is so difficult, ain’t it? Makes you feel kinda shitty to change something about yourself that might not benefit someone else but would do you a world of good?

    Is part of your mental health making other people happy? I don’t think so… but you seem to believe that and you’re finding out that Bill Cosby is, in fact, right: You wanna fail? Keep trying to make everyone except yourself happy and more so when you’re not happy with yourself to begin with. The suicide thing? I’d never have to promise someone that I’m not gonna off myself… because I’m all about living and staying alive. It cracks me up when, every year, I have my full physical and they ask me if I think about harming myself… and I laugh and say, “Oh, hell, no! I love me too much to do that shit!” I know they gotta ask but I’m all about Rule Number One…

    And even if it doesn’t make someone else happy. Sorry about that and I mean that but the thing I believe? If I’m not happy, I’m not going to be able to make anyone else happy. Making myself happy might make me appear to be selfish and uncaring in the eyes of others… and I don’t give a fuck what they have to say about it. I know what I need to do for me better than anyone does… and I know they’re not gonna “go out of their way” to make me happy. That’s all on me and at some point you learn – and usually the hard way – that if you don’t do it, no one is gonna do it for you and give you shit about not sacrificing all you are for them.

    Screw that. You can tell me that it would make you happy if I did this for you but if it doesn’t make me happy, well, I’m gonna tell you that and at that point, all you can do is not like it. We can talk about it, maybe come to a mutually acceptable compromise but it’s not my job to make you happy and doing so by sacrificing myself in the process. Not gonna happen. You get mad? Then you’re mad. And if you’re expecting me to keep bowing down to you and all that – and in any way that means – you’re gonna be disappointed and, by the way, who’s really being selfish here?

    I’m thinking it ain’t me. By insisting that I put your happiness above my own, what are you really telling me? I’m thinking it’s that you don’t really give a shit if I’m happy or not and homey don’t play that shit. Some like to say, “I give as good as I get” and it makes some sense. You want me to make you happy? Make me happy. You want me to sacrifice everything I am for your happiness? Do the same for me. Should I be worried about what you think about me?

    I actually care… and really don’t and I already know I can’t make you think any differently about me unless I change some things… but I’m not gonna change them for you; I’m gonna change them because I’ve determined it’s a good thing for me to do… and then I can always back out the change if I see it’s not working for me. If my changes work for you, okay… but if they don’t? Sorry about that… but this ain’t all about you and it can’t be. Selfish? More like self-preservation but people believe it’s selfish.

    And they’re wrong. Probably a lot of the things you currently believe are incorrect, outdated, unchanged over all this time and the really fucked up part? You know it is but because of your concerns, it’s keeping you stuck in place and worrying yourself sick in the process.

    How is that helping anyone? Sure ain’t helping you, is it? Now: Whatcha gonna do about it? If not now, when? You gonna keep letting what you believe keep you from realizing newer realities and, as such, unwilling to change that which you believe? Lord, I hope not… but I’ve seen this too many times before and I almost know what you’re gonna do.

    Nothing. Make promises to yourself that your beliefs won’t allow you to keep. This is unacceptable… but you know that even better than I do. Whatcha gonna do? When are you gonna do it? Ask someone who believes it’s your job to make them happy, “What about my happiness?” and see what they say… then ask yourself if you believe them.

    Fact is that if you’re not gonna take care of you, no one is will and no matter what they believe. Everyone around you is probably looking after their own ass first – except you. Because you believe you’re not supposed to. And you’re wrong about that and continuing to set yourself up to fail… and I happen to know you hate failing. We all do so you’re not by yourself in this aspect. I know I will fail in a great many things but I accept that I can only do what I’m capable of doing and there is always Rule Number One which should be inviolate and is key to one’s self-preservation.

    Because the alternatives suck.

    Liked by 2 people

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