To say I have no idea how to accept how I feel inside has got to be the biggest understatement of all time. I feel unstable about my emotional state. I am not a violent person, but it feels like my insides are at battle with each other all of the time. I have conflicts with my own desires, my own sense of right and wrong. Sometimes, I get caught up and focused on things I want to be true, but have no basis in logic. And trust me, some of those thoughts tend towards violating my own belief systems.
I suppose at the most basic level, I just don’t know how to accept them as they are. Unfortunately, I allow fear to be a ruling force in my life and tend to make a lot of decisions out of fear and anxiety. I place a lot of emphasis on other people’s opinions of me, because I tend to thrive off of others’ respect for me and the fear of losing that respect tends to drive me towards something that others can accept.
Granted, even as I explain this and see the words I’m typing, I fully recognize that this is not serving my mental health very well, but I also have to ask myself if part of my mental health means making others happy? What if that is the case for me? I mean, as an example, if I were suicidal (I’m not right now) and I made a promise to someone to not kill myself because they needed me, would that not be something that benefits me if it makes that person happy?
I’ve been having so many crazy thoughts the past couple of weeks that I wonder why I have them? What is it that makes me feel the way I do? Sometimes I don’t want the things I think about and other times I Simply just want to fuck everything off and enjoy the thoughts. I can’t seem to find what it is that gives me a sense of peace or a peace that seems obtainable. I know that the mere act of obsessing over these thoughts is the detrimental part, but at the same time, I don’t know that putting any of my thoughts into any sort of substantial action would actually give me the peace or serenity I desire in life.
I just don’t know…