I want…Stephanie

Okay, I wasn’t going to write this, because I have been keeping it inside for quite some time. But I want to break Stephanie out of prison a little. I haven’t shaved my legs in a long time. I haven’t gotten a pedicure in a long time. I haven’t worn panties and a bra in a long time. I haven’t put on a dress or skirt in a much longer time and I have not done anything to express any femininity whatsoever in a long, long time.

I know there is absolutely nothing logical about this, but for some reason I have been having these thoughts the past few days – I want to feel like a female. I want to feel like some feminine aspect of myself is authentic and not just some fabrication in my mind to hide or escape all of the stress in my life. I’ve just been having these rash of thoughts about being girlie again. I don’t believe it’s healthy for me in any long term way, but sometimes I just feel it to my core and don’t know how to express it.

But I want Stephanie. I want her because she is the alternative to Hilda who is a life-sucking drain in my life. I am feeling like I don’t even know how to feel like a man anyways. I don’t feel comfortable exerting my masculinity any more.

But I feel stupid even writing this.

And now, my thoughts are so sporadic and I feel like I’m exposing myself to my own self-ridicule.

I’ll probably delete this. I mean, isn’t it not recognizing reality in the first place? I don’t even look feminine, so it sucks having this dichotomy. I’m the epitome of a knuckle-dragger and lack feminine grace in almost any form.

But it’s nice to day dream sometimes…

15 thoughts on “I want…Stephanie

  1. It doesn’t matter if you don’t think you look feminine. Maybe you just want to feel a little something. My teenage son is tall and muscular and he likes to paint his nails sometimes. Whatever… he does what makes him feel good. He is otherwise very “manly.” I say do what you feel no matter what you think you look like.

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  2. Sweetie, when you stop people pleasing and listen to your gut you will know who you are. I can see through your posts pretty much what makes you happy. Safety is a matter of perception.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m a man… and I couldn’t begin to tell you what a man is supposed to feel like other than to say that I feel like… myself. So I can peek into quite a few nail salons… and see guys getting pedicures; not so weird these days. Shaving your legs? Dudes are into manscaping and some are shaving their legs, too. On a forum I belong to, there are a lot of guys who get decked out in their bras and panties and the whole nine yards when they can; I don’t know how they do it “safely,” but they do it.

    I’m with Jaealeta on this one: Please stop stifling yourself.

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  4. Well the quick answer is that you are also a girl. Doesn’t mean you need to become a girl full time just you need to be one sometimes. That’s great and if it helps you relax and feel better than go for it. There is nothing to feel guilty about when you are just being yourself.

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      1. A drive in the car, and quiet moment at the park, an hour or so when you can. Make it a priority to get some her time.
        I know it’s not easy and I struggled for years. Strangely coming out was easier than staying in, but if you’re not ready for that then I would just try to find the time. It’s important for you to be you as sooner or later she will come out again and like a pressure cooker if you don’t have a release valve she may explode.
        In solidarity,
        Jessie

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Every guy or gal can use a bit of leg pampering and a pedi every now and then. Love yourself dear friend, I can understand the anxiety and self-questioning, we all do that about various things, but give yourself the harmless self-care that feels right for you!! Just my two cents. (p.s. currently wearing opalescent pink on my tootsies over here. And I hardly ever do pedi’s either, gal tho’ I be… ;)) 🌸💛🌿 xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Same here! Mine’s chipped to pieces that’s why I hardly ever wear it. 😂 Maintenance, we’re talkin’ maintenance galfriend!! But sometimes it’s worth it, just to feel like a ruby. 😉 ❤️💎✨

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