Okay, I wasn’t going to write this, because I have been keeping it inside for quite some time. But I want to break Stephanie out of prison a little. I haven’t shaved my legs in a long time. I haven’t gotten a pedicure in a long time. I haven’t worn panties and a bra in a long time. I haven’t put on a dress or skirt in a much longer time and I have not done anything to express any femininity whatsoever in a long, long time.
I know there is absolutely nothing logical about this, but for some reason I have been having these thoughts the past few days – I want to feel like a female. I want to feel like some feminine aspect of myself is authentic and not just some fabrication in my mind to hide or escape all of the stress in my life. I’ve just been having these rash of thoughts about being girlie again. I don’t believe it’s healthy for me in any long term way, but sometimes I just feel it to my core and don’t know how to express it.
But I want Stephanie. I want her because she is the alternative to Hilda who is a life-sucking drain in my life. I am feeling like I don’t even know how to feel like a man anyways. I don’t feel comfortable exerting my masculinity any more.
But I feel stupid even writing this.
And now, my thoughts are so sporadic and I feel like I’m exposing myself to my own self-ridicule.
I’ll probably delete this. I mean, isn’t it not recognizing reality in the first place? I don’t even look feminine, so it sucks having this dichotomy. I’m the epitome of a knuckle-dragger and lack feminine grace in almost any form.
But it’s nice to day dream sometimes…