I’m not even sure where to begin this post, but I feel the need to get it out there and post something that forces me to take a hard stand against myself – rather, against Hilda. But I went off the rails again in a major way. In the past few weeks, I began drinking again, lost my job, on the verge of losing everything, lost control, lost, lost, lost…
And It’s been fueled 100% by Hilda.
The self-imposed loneliness.
The lack of self-care.
Everything got all fucked up and I didn’t allow Stephanie to work through me the way I need her to work through me. I’m truly struggling and last week it came to a head for me. I have been so focused on trying to convince myself that everything was going to be all right, but never really addressing the problems that exist in me – but more importantly, I wasn’t focused on those things that make me function like a normal human being. I was not practicing the principles I know work. I exhibited nothing but powerlessness and manageability. Somehow, someway I allowed the unaddressed matters in my head to sit and idly fester within me, while faking the idea that everything was okay.
I was not honest with myself.
And although I feel like I’ve said this a kazillion times like some overplayed broken record, the truth of the matter is that I’m not actually dealing with anything. I am not accepting the situation I have been in for the past five years – and probably longer, since I’ve struggled with alcohol longer. I’ve been the biggest pussy around and I am not really getting to the core of my issues. I’m trying to put frosting on a shit-cake. It’s all been superficial.
I know I sound like I’m berating myself, but the reality is that I am angry. And I rarely, truly express how I feel. I always sugar-coat what’s going on in my head. And then, it all sneaks up on me and Hilda pounces all over me like a mean bitch. I truly want change, but I don’t maintain the things people say work. I can’t control outcomes and I’m still living and making choices as if I can somehow change the outcome of every situation. And, when I do have the power to do something I can look back and be proud about, I let it go because it’s not the ideal I saw for my life.
I have a degree in chemical engineering and I always assumed I would make lots and lots of money. And the mere fact that I am not, not only pisses me off, it scares the fucking shit out of me. I’m afraid of being a failure…
Let me recollect my thoughts, because I can easily see in that last paragraph I’m about to go on a self-deprecating tirade propagated by Hilda’s interests of my self-destruction. The reality is that I have made some mistakes and I have to learn from them. I have to realize I can’t expect perfection out of myself and I have to quit trying to live up to other people’s expectations. I’m scared right now. That’s honest, but I don’t have to allow that fear to override my thoughts. If I truly allowed Stephanie to work through me, she would tell me to hug myself, tell myself that God has an idea in mind for me, even if I can’t see it. She wouldn’t lie to me and tell me to expect things to be easy. She would tell me that things might be more difficult right now than I have ever faced before. She would tell me that I have the spirit and tenacity to overcome this with beauty and grace – even if I have to trudge through some icky mud right now.
I must keep trying.
I must keep exploring myself.
I must keep working the AA program.
I must pray to God.
I must keep seeing a therapist.
I must not give up.
I must love myself.
I must talk to myself kindly.
I must treat my heart lovingly.
I must keep trying to look for a better way to be.
Today is a new day to look for work, explore possibilities of becoming self-employed (If that’s in the plan for me), a new day to remain sober (today is Day 5).