Get it together…

I’m not even sure where to begin this post, but I feel the need to get it out there and post something that forces me to take a hard stand against myself – rather, against Hilda. But I went off the rails again in a major way. In the past few weeks, I began drinking again, lost my job, on the verge of losing everything, lost control, lost, lost, lost…

And It’s been fueled 100% by Hilda.

The negativity.

The self-pity.

The self-imposed loneliness.

The lack of self-care.

Everything got all fucked up and I didn’t allow Stephanie to work through me the way I need her to work through me. I’m truly struggling and last week it came to a head for me. I have been so focused on trying to convince myself that everything was going to be all right, but never really addressing the problems that exist in me – but more importantly, I wasn’t focused on those things that make me function like a normal human being. I was not practicing the principles I know work. I exhibited nothing but powerlessness and manageability. Somehow, someway I allowed the unaddressed matters in my head to sit and idly fester within me, while faking the idea that everything was okay.

I was not honest with myself.

And although I feel like I’ve said this a kazillion times like some overplayed broken record, the truth of the matter is that I’m not actually dealing with anything. I am not accepting the situation I have been in for the past five years – and probably longer, since I’ve struggled with alcohol longer. I’ve been the biggest pussy around and I am not really getting to the core of my issues. I’m trying to put frosting on a shit-cake. It’s all been superficial.

I know I sound like I’m berating myself, but the reality is that I am angry. And I rarely, truly express how I feel. I always sugar-coat what’s going on in my head. And then, it all sneaks up on me and Hilda pounces all over me like a mean bitch. I truly want change, but I don’t maintain the things people say work. I can’t control outcomes and I’m still living and making choices as if I can somehow change the outcome of every situation. And, when I do have the power to do something I can look back and be proud about, I let it go because it’s not the ideal I saw for my life.

I have a degree in chemical engineering and I always assumed I would make lots and lots of money. And the mere fact that I am not, not only pisses me off, it scares the fucking shit out of me. I’m afraid of being a failure…

Pause…

Let me recollect my thoughts, because I can easily see in that last paragraph I’m about to go on a self-deprecating tirade propagated by Hilda’s interests of my self-destruction. The reality is that I have made some mistakes and I have to learn from them. I have to realize I can’t expect perfection out of myself and I have to quit trying to live up to other people’s expectations. I’m scared right now. That’s honest, but I don’t have to allow that fear to override my thoughts. If I truly allowed Stephanie to work through me, she would tell me to hug myself, tell myself that God has an idea in mind for me, even if I can’t see it. She wouldn’t lie to me and tell me to expect things to be easy. She would tell me that things might be more difficult right now than I have ever faced before. She would tell me that I have the spirit and tenacity to overcome this with beauty and grace – even if I have to trudge through some icky mud right now.

I must keep trying.

I must keep exploring myself.

I must keep working the AA program.

I must pray to God.

I must keep seeing a therapist.

I must not give up.

I must love myself.

I must talk to myself kindly.

I must treat my heart lovingly.

I must keep trying to look for a better way to be.

Today is a new day to look for work, explore possibilities of becoming self-employed (If that’s in the plan for me), a new day to remain sober (today is Day 5).

10 thoughts on “Get it together…

  1. Hi AS!
    I am very sorry to hear you lost your job.
    Sandra is right, things will different, but still ok.
    I read that getting sober would be different, and I didn’t want to hear that at first. But it turned out true. I wanted everything to be so much better, or happier, or something.
    Same with life I think.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t mind the challenges of life, I just want the confidence to believe I can get through it all. This is the third job loss I have had in 5 years….and if I’m honest, I deserved this one. But the past five years have been the toughest I have gone through. I have no idea what’s going to happen and that scares me. I am trying to find my H.P. and allow Him/Her to work through me. I’m trying to surrender and find it so difficult because I’m so headstrong…
      What I do know, however, is that I stay sober when I am engaged with AA and I’m trying to make that my primary focus and let everything else go for the time being. Granted, I’m looking and applying for jobs, but I am keeping my expectations low…who knows what will happen?

      Liked by 1 person

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