Having struggled with alcoholism over the past five years (Okay, it’s probably more like 15, but I began attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings five years ago), I have had chances to see various stages of the 12-step program. Although I have not gotten past the 4th step, I have had and listened to discussions about character flaws. Well, one of mine is fear. I have noticed that my life has become fear driven – I make decisions to avoid the potential of any sort of uncomfortable feeling.
So, it got me to thinking about the things I fear:
- Financial Insecurity
- The possibility I married the wrong person or married for the wrong reason
- Not having my children’s respect
- Inability to remain sober
- Calling my sponsor and expressing, yet again, that I had relapsed.
- The possibility that I can deceive my own thoughts, beliefs and feelings.
- Discovery of my sexuality – I’m not out.
- The possibility the Bible is right and I’ll go to hell
- Never finding passion in my life again
There are certainly other fears, but these are the ones that pop into my head almost immediately when I think about my fears. Although, I realize that the best way to deal with fear is to face each thing head on, I am also terrified of the potential results and outcomes. And as I write this, I think maybe that might be my real problem – the inability to affect the outcome of anything. Maybe, it’s because I can’t control situations and I desperately feel the need to do that.
I recognize I am in early sobriety and that none of these need to be addressed right now, because the only thing that matters is that I get through today without drinking. Today, at 3:00 p.m. MDT, I will have hit exactly one week since my last drink. I’m doing this today, tomorrow is yet to come, but today I can do it.