Fear: A Character Defect

Having struggled with alcoholism over the past five years (Okay, it’s probably more like 15, but I began attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings five years ago), I have had chances to see various stages of the 12-step program. Although I have not gotten past the 4th step, I have had and listened to discussions about character flaws. Well, one of mine is fear. I have noticed that my life has become fear driven – I make decisions to avoid the potential of any sort of uncomfortable feeling.

So, it got me to thinking about the things I fear:

  • Financial Insecurity
  • The possibility I married the wrong person or married for the wrong reason
  • Not having my children’s respect
  • Inability to remain sober
  • Calling my sponsor and expressing, yet again, that I had relapsed.
  • The possibility that I can deceive my own thoughts, beliefs and feelings.
  • Discovery of my sexuality – I’m not out.
  • The possibility the Bible is right and I’ll go to hell
  • Never finding passion in my life again
  • etc.

There are certainly other fears, but these are the ones that pop into my head almost immediately when I think about my fears. Although, I realize that the best way to deal with fear is to face each thing head on, I am also terrified of the potential results and outcomes. And as I write this, I think maybe that might be my real problem – the inability to affect the outcome of anything. Maybe, it’s because I can’t control situations and I desperately feel the need to do that.

I recognize I am in early sobriety and that none of these need to be addressed right now, because the only thing that matters is that I get through today without drinking. Today, at 3:00 p.m. MDT, I will have hit exactly one week since my last drink. I’m doing this today, tomorrow is yet to come, but today I can do it.

9 thoughts on “Fear: A Character Defect

  1. We all have the same fears. However the mind is a powerful thing. It’s that stinkin’ thinkin’ that leads us to relapse. I was sober for nearly 17 years. I relapsed last year. Hard to believe. Life happens and sometimes it’s just too much. I picked myself up last October. Went back to rehab. I’ve been sober for 8 months. It’s not easy. I still have fears. I still have anxiety and life is still happening. You’re not done until you’ve truly had enough. I prayed on October 20th. Pleading with god to help me. I just couldn’t take it anymore. It was a Sunday. I went to treatment on Tuesday. You will stop drinking when you’ve finally had enough. Maybe you’re not there yet. I will tell you life is so much easier sober than ur is drunk. I pray the blood of Jesus over you today and I pray that he will not only remove this addiction, he will remove your fears and insecurities and fill your mind with good thoughts. I pray he will bring the right people in to your life to help you find your way. You can do this. You can and will overcome your demons when you’re ready.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yep, we all have fears and the trick is to not let your fears stop you from doing whatever you need to do. A life lived in fear isn’t worth living and while it’s easy for someone to tell you to not be afraid, even if you agree that you shouldn’t you still have to teach yourself to stop being afraid and more so when a lot of the things we’re afraid of are things we usually can’t do anything about.

    I’ll tell you this re one of your fears: If the bible is right (and many don’t think it is) and you’re going to hell, I’m probably gonna be right there with you so you’ll be in good company… and I’ll get a chance to meet Stephanie. Methinks that your mental energies would be put to better use thinking more about “being more Stephanie” than focusing on what which you fear. I’m sure you’re seeing that doing this is non-productive and it’s not solving anything and it’s clearly making you very uncomfortable.

    Did you go get that pedicure? Manscape your legs?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No, actually I have not waxed my legs or gotten a pedicure. I’m looking for a new job again, so I need to wait on a couple of luxuries.

      But, don’t worry about this post – it is simply me getting some thoughts out and written down so I don’t dwell on them. It’s therapeutic.

      Like

  3. ~You are right. Fear is the final resting spot to where our “defects” take us. I am at my worst when I am stuck in fear. I know it sucks. It’s such a shitty place to be stuck.

    ~Trying to control things that are not controllable is an absolute impossibility for me. So I surrender things I can not control over to a Higher Power of my understanding. Some days it’s easier than others, but the more I practice, the easier it gets. What I CAN control is choosing to sit/zoom face to face with another alcoholic and share about my fears/worries/insecurities etc. This always helps me feel better.

    ~Know that you are loved no matter what. You are human and imperfect. It helps me go easier on myself remembering that I am not perfect, I have fucked up in my life and my HP will still love me. My belief is that humans with opinions about God wrote a book called the Bible a long long time ago for future humans to discern based on the times we live in. Back then, I do not believe there was a Hell that sinners go to. Today I do not believe there is a Hell we go to after we die if we have “sinned.” I think we have the choice to live in Hell or live in Peace. When we die, all that there is is LOVE. This is my belief. Today, I chose to live in peace of body mind and spirit. Otherwise, I will live in A Hell of my own making. This, I know is true, from my own experiences.

    sending you warm hugs and a peaceful day. You are a Beautiful Soul.

    Warmly, Sarah

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sarah,

      Your words are so heartfelt and warm and literally brought a tear of hope to my eyes. I am not going to give up and I’m going to keep trying. am open to possibilities that it might now be what I expect it to be and I am willing to surrender…even if I don’t know how or what that means.

      Thank you, so much! I truly appreciate your comment and it fills me with encouragement. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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