S.A.R.D. #25 – A start in opening up about my marriage

WARNING/DisclaimerI’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and I have thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences (i.e. ages 21+). Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

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I am finally ready to begin opening up about my marriage. In fact, when I first began blogging several years ago, it was never intended to be anything but we whining and crying about my marriage. Of course, I didn’t want to sound like a big crybaby so I never began actually talking about my marriage. But, as long as I’ve been blogging, some of this has crept in and it is obvious I have been nothing but a whiney wuss wad. Also, I feel it is imperative to mention that I am responsible for a lot of the problems in my marriage – I am far from an innocent victim, although my posts may come across in that way. So, I am going to begin discussing my marriage and things that I think about with respect to my part, her part and divulge the complete toxicity of the thing.

There is one thing about this – I am knowingly violating a wish of my wife’s and that is that she never wants me to discuss the problems of our marriage outside of she and I. She absolutely hates when I seek advice elsewhere because she feels I put her in a bad light. It hurt her feelings for me to go to friends for support, go to my parents for support and even seeking therapy violates a sense of trust for her. I long ago stopped going to friends or family and have only discussed the problems in therapy and/or online conversations. I was seeking hope, healing, advice and ultimately how to handle the responsibilities of marriage.

As I indicated above, this is all from my perspective and it will most likely have the element of me being a victim, but I will say that I don’t believe my wife is a bad person at all. Rather, I think in a lot of ways our personalities don’t always mesh very well. For us, when things are good, they are really, really good; but when things go bad, they go really, really bad. This story has almost every negative element of a toxic relationship that you can imagine – not everything, mind you, but certainly some truly ugly things that might have told “normal” people to bail out a long time ago.

Now, I’m not sure how I’ll tell the story, but it will be an ongoing series that I’ll discuss as things come up in my mind. Some trigger or some memory or some topic that happens to come to me, I’ll post. It’s been like that for most of my series on Sexual and Relationship Development, and I will continue to do that in this subcategory that I’m calling “Marriage”.

To Be Continued…

4 thoughts on “S.A.R.D. #25 – A start in opening up about my marriage

  1. Reblogged this on Acquiescent Soul and commented:

    As I work through my 4th step in the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step program, there are two resentments I have left to put down in writing. I’m finding both very difficult to do. They are my marriage and myself. Today, I’m getting ready to talk about my marriage and my role in it. When I first began blogging, my entire intention was to use the slight anonymity I could feel on the web to divulge things. Although I am literally scared and will have to admit to my own horrible actions, it is time to face those. This is easily 25 years in the making…

    Day 78 sober.

    Like

  2. I can see both sides, hers and yours, but sometimes it is needed to talk about it with someone from the outside that is neutral or even a stranger. And you saying that you are not an innocent victim shows that you give her credit and are willing to accept your part and responsibility in this. Like you I never brought my marriage to the blog. Did you know I was married? On paper for the the last 16 years out of 22 years. I have a l out to work through as well and I’m taking some of it to this blog as well, because sometimes we just need that outlet. Big hugs to you my princess and good luck with step 5 and kicking it to the curb. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

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