Honestly, I am having a bit of rough day today, so this particular entry into my Beautiful Me Journal is laced with a little bitter realization, but I have decided to write about it anyways. In this entry the author of the book I’ve been following suggests considering THE unresolved issue in my life and address the amount of time and energy it takes. The reality is there are actually three issues in my life that take up most of my time and energy – my marriage, my drinking and my sexuality.
There is no doubt that I continue to struggle with my drinking and I think the time and energy I’ve wasted on it has been kind of the point of my drinking – I’m doing it to avoid the pain of time and energy spent on other aspects of my life. Granted, I know this isn’t going away if I solve the other two issues in my life; because I have used it to medicate my emotional state, it’ll be an option for me until I stop making it an option.
The next thing that has taken considerable amount of time and energy is my sexuality. God and all of you know that I have written about it a lot and that I am a work under development as I really come to terms with it. Granted, it has gotten tremendously better over the past few years, but there are still some things I feel like I need to do to be at the point where I accept it about myself. I took a major step towards that last week and I am considering being slightly more open, as well. I haven’t quite decided how that should play out, but I do think that I can be honest about it now.
The remaining item that is unresolved is my marriage. I’ve just barely begun to open up about it. I know I share tidbits here and there and it is quite obvious I am miserable about it. I’m truly conflicted, but I also recognize the complete toxicity of it for both of us. I believe that the energy and time we have both spent in the marriage hasn’t served us all that well. There are things that were good, but it has gotten to the point where our differences and problems are irreconcilable. I think that if we were able to let go of it, it would allow us both some peace and happiness to be where we need to be in our own individual lives.