As many of you realize, I spend a lot of time focused on my sexuality and my expression of that sexuality. I have to say, after coming out to my mother, I am feeling much better about myself. In fact, I have a small sense of pride at the moment – it doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. But, there’s something else that lies at the periphery of my sexuality and that’s gender identity.
Side Note and Trigger Warning: I am going to discuss my own thoughts on gender and the concept of fluidity in gender. Keeping in mind that these are merely my own thoughts, primarily about myself, I recognize it could be a sensitive topic for others. So, please realize I might be offensive to some.
Truthfully, I identify as male. I have this fundamental belief that the idea of more than two genders is a fundamental aspect of ideological activism and only loosely based upon science. I believe there are some anomalies in nature and science, but it is not the norm (I used the mathematical definition of “normal”, when I use it here). Although I do believe that there are some psychological implications involved and there are some biological aspects of gender still being studied, the idea of transgender-ism is more ideological than it is scientific. I don’t deny the scientific discoveries within this realm of study, but it is rare. I even have a friend that has shared many of these scientific discussions with me, so I am not denying it outright – but, quite simply it is NOT the norm.
Now, how is it I might identify with some feminine characteristics? I’ve asked myself this a lot. In fact, many times when I have discussed or thought about my same-sex interactions, I see myself taking on a more traditionally feminine role with guys. I prefer to “be the girl”, if I can put it so vulgarly. And I have often questioned if my sexuality is portrayed from some remote part of my being – or brain – that says I’m female. I have found that it is much easier for me to accept my bisexuality, if I can tap into and accept my femininity. I have enjoyed crossdressing from time to time. I love the dainty feel of lacy panties. I have enjoyed shaving my legs and wearing pantyhose and a skirt. Granted, I have never tried to look fully female – only worn a wig once, only worn a bra a couple of times and I’ve only done make-up once or twice – but I like feeling the femininity that these things have provided me.
But, when I look in a mirror, I see nothing but masculine features. I am a male, totally and utterly on the surface. I realize that there are people who transition and I can accept that could be the answer. I understand that I could do hormone replacement therapy. See a psychiatrist and gender-reassignment specialist. I grasp all of this, but I also know I was born male. I have a penis. I have male-pattern baldness. My back is broad, my chest is broad, my shoulders are broad. I have a masculine jaw line. And my entire body is covered in hair (icky!). My Adam’s apple is huge and my voice resonates deeply and manly. I’m honestly surprised my knuckles don’t have scrapes from dragging on the ground. Sometimes I hate how I look, but sometimes I have loved it too.
I wish I would have been born a female. I have had vivid dreams where I was a woman. I have toyed with the idea of exploring that aspect of changing my gender. But, I can’t ever get to the stage where I feel like that makes sense. I can’t ever get to the point where I feel hatred or disgust for being a man. I know it’s how others see me too. And I realize that putting too much into other people’s opinions is not good for my mental health either, I do take comfort in the idea that some people take comfort in who I am. So, I don’t go too far down that route. I am in a place of acceptance with myself and in order to do that, I have to accept how I was born.
Do I crossdress now? No, I haven’t worn a dress or a skirt in about 5 years. I can’t remember the last time I’ve even done something that makes me feel feminine. It’s not that I’m against doing it, because I know it makes me feel good about myself, but I also find my masculine side to feel good too.
I don’t know…sometimes I get these weird thoughts and they are conflicting and don’t always make full sense. But I have grown to accept that they are merely thoughts and that they are a part of me as my desire to wear black, lace panties or my desire to wear jeans and a t-shirt. I know that my sexuality is merely a part of who I am and that my gender – both the biological one I was born into and the one I have fantasized about are mere aspects of my entire being.
I’m stopping here, because now I feel highly self-conscious and weird.