It’s been a while since I’ve been regular on my blog. I wish I had some sort of big project, major life changes or whatever, but I do not. The reality is that I am stuck in the never breakable cycle of my own making. I try, repeat the struggles, impose my own negativity (a la “Hilda“), struggle with drinking, struggle with marriage, struggle finding a job, struggle with my sexuality, struggle with life, etc. Honestly, however, I don’t want this post to turn into a self-deprecating, whining, self-hating, excuse-making, resistant to change negative chunk to focus on. The reality is that I WANT different.
I’m genuinely unsure how to make change happen. I am proud of myself, in the sense that I have not allowed myself to sink into the depressive darkness that I felt five years ago. I have been trying to keep myself busy with little projects that haven’t been completed around my home, applying for jobs, doing things for my wife, doing things for my kids, doing a little hiking, walking, working on an online class, etc. But I’m not going to lie – I need something to change in a way that changes the trajectory of my life and I just can’t put my finger on what I should be doing. I can’t figure out the highest priority issue. I’m hopeful though – in spite of this past week really feeling like a crap show. When I consider everything, I have started to break it down into two feelings: 1.) Whine and cry about it; or 2.) Put on my big-girl panties and face everything with bravery and dignity.
I’m choosing to put on my big-girl panties.
But, it’s the prioritization I am actually hindered by. I know that’s the case and I’m unsure how to break everything down into bite-sized problems instead of the whole elephant. There are so many things I need to change, so many things I need to face, so many things that I need to complete. I think one of my biggest problems is the inability to figure out what it is that impacts my heart & soul in the most positive way and simply focus on those things. I am a multi-interested person in so many things. I find enjoyment in a lot of different areas of life, believe it or not, so zeroing in on one or two things is really difficult. But, I think that is the hang-up for me. It’s really not that I can’t do anything, it’s more like I want to do everything.
That is where I’m at…
I’m struggling with challenges, but I’m feeling hopeful.