I don’t know how…

I don’t know how to put my faith in God or a Higher Power.

I’m starting to despise phrases such as these:

“Give it up to God!”

“Did you talk to your Higher Power?”

“Have you prayed about it?

“Go to the Church and light a candle.”

“Have faith”

“Trust God”

“God has a plan”

I’m sick of it and all the other fucking bullshit I keep hearing every-time I mention that I’m going to die if I can’t figure out a way to pay for my insulin. It’s not fucking comforting because it doesn’t solve my fucking problem. I mean, seriously, why the fuck would God even allow me to be a diabetic if later on he helps me figure out a way to stay alive? I mean, seriously, God’s fucking inefficient if that’s the case. It makes no logical fucking sense.

I’m sick and fucking tired of having shitty jobs or no jobs. I have no fucking idea why I bothered getting an education if all I’m ever going to amount to is a jobless fucking loser. I’ve wasted my fucking life and I can’t get out of this fucking hole I’m in, no matter how fucking hard I try. I’m just fucking sick of it all.

I can’t pay my fucking bills, if I buy insulin. I can’t keep my house. I can’t keep either of my cars. I can’t fucking do any fucking thing. I don’t fucking know why I bothered being a “good” person all of my life to only have to live like this fucking shit. Why did I bother with fucking school? It doesn’t mean fuck! I can’t even get a fucking interview for any of the fucking jobs I’ve been applying to.

Fuck this life.

Fuck it all.

And Fuck God!

Fuck you God. Do you hear me?!?!?! Fuck you! I fucking hate the fucking concept of a God.

Oh yeah! I’m supposed to fucking celebrate being fucking sober too, right?

Fuck it! I don’t fucking wanna be sober. Every fucking time I try, I can’t fucking do it anyways.

I promise you, when I run out of insulin, and I will in 20 days, I will drink my fucking ass off, because none of it will fucking matter at that point!

Fuck you God.

This was going to be an expression of how I feel, but it turned into a fucking rant. That’s how I really fucking feel. I can’t keep the facade of goodness up anymore. It’s all fucked. Everything is fucked.

Have faith, my ass.

Give it to God, as if there is one.

Have faith in what? Magic? No one fucking wants to give me a job. No one gives a fucking shit.

I fucking hate everything right at this fucking moment.

Fuck it all!

this is a fucking meltdown.

This is it.

26 thoughts on “I don’t know how…

  1. I’m sorry to have possibly been the trigger for this, but I happen to agree with most of what you said. I’ve told “god” to fuck off many times. If he had anything to do with the shitty things that happen in the world, then I believe it was the work of a cruel idiot. I still believe that. So I seldom use the word “god” because it brings up images of a cruel “sky man” who counts people’s sins and might send them to hell.

    I have nothing to do with that kind of god. I just believe in love. That’s it. That’s the power greater than myself. It’s that simple.

    Sending you big love, because that’s all I know to do when someone touches my heart the way you have.

    Shawna

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shawna,

      It wasn’t only you, I have heard these things so much and I just can’t wrap my mind around any of it anymore. I appreciate you. I don’t like it when I get that ugly – I had a lot of pent-up emotion and it came out rather grotesquely. Honestly, I struggle because my mind works in cause-effect and I have prayed, I have asked God for help, and I can’t seem to figure out what’s going on in my life that I can’t fix.
      I hope I didn’t offend you in any way. You’re always so kind to me.
      I think I’m truly at my bottom now…

      AS

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You could never offend me, and thank you for being so kind in your reply. And you pointed out something that I had to see … I was being preachy.

        Dear Gawd!!!!! Something I could never imagine I might become.

        I remember there was a very nice, self-described evangelical girl in my dorm in college. I avoided her like the plague. She somehow targeted me as someone who needed saving. She would knock on my door at all hours, even bringing cookies because she knew I would then pretend to listen to her long enough to eat them. Her message was meaningless to me. I’d heard it all before. And I see now that I might come off just like she did … a well meaning, but best to avoid, kind of person, with crazy eyes. Truly awful, and I’m so sorry.

        And your post really made me think about something else … I have no idea why something miraculous happened to me at that moment. I’d been way desperate many times before and I had begged God for a reprieve for the loads of trouble I found myself in. I did that for at least a decade with the only benefit being a lightened mood, maybe. Or maybe not. I might have felt comforted somewhat, but it wasn’t enough to convince me that it mattered. Still, I found myself desperate enough to keep trying. Foxhole prayers.

        So the truth is, that spiritual experience was nothing like pushing an elevator button and then the car arrived. It was much more like the path of drinking itself … senseless and desperate until one day you don’t drink, and then you have a few more days, and this time is no different than any other time, but somehow it worked.

        Thank you for calling me on this. You made me want to write about something for the first time in months. And thank you again for your unbelievable grace in responding to me. I owe you big-time.

        Much love and respect,

        Shawna

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have made being a jerk my life’s work. Just ask my mother! I have never been the Mother Theresa type. But … I finally have an answer for what led me in the right direction. The book, A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. That was it. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Go fund me maybe ? Facebook groups ?
    It matters where are you live. Some communities seem far more prone to help than others… But I have seen a lot of people recently put their pride aside, and post their desperate need.. And people have been helping. Sometimes the not being willing to ask for help denies both sides the blessing
    ( I hate to ask for help… So I get it )

    Also, research charity medical… They are tough to find, but there are doctors and facilities

    Also, Reach out to your doctor. They often have connections to drug reps and that might be a resource

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Cinn! I literally just emailed my doctor, so I’ll see what happens. I also have a contact with the local health department and a contact at United Way to reach out to. I’m going to give it about a week before I begin asking for help via GoFundMe

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Drug companies typically have programs for people who can’t afford medication. However, doctors and drug reps are typically going to have the inside scoop and possibly samples to share
        Do you mind sharing where you live? I don’t mind doing some research

        Like

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