I don’t know how to put my faith in God or a Higher Power.
I’m starting to despise phrases such as these:
“Give it up to God!”
“Did you talk to your Higher Power?”
“Have you prayed about it?
“Go to the Church and light a candle.”
“God has a plan”
I’m sick of it and all the other fucking bullshit I keep hearing every-time I mention that I’m going to die if I can’t figure out a way to pay for my insulin. It’s not fucking comforting because it doesn’t solve my fucking problem. I mean, seriously, why the fuck would God even allow me to be a diabetic if later on he helps me figure out a way to stay alive? I mean, seriously, God’s fucking inefficient if that’s the case. It makes no logical fucking sense.
I’m sick and fucking tired of having shitty jobs or no jobs. I have no fucking idea why I bothered getting an education if all I’m ever going to amount to is a jobless fucking loser. I’ve wasted my fucking life and I can’t get out of this fucking hole I’m in, no matter how fucking hard I try. I’m just fucking sick of it all.
I can’t pay my fucking bills, if I buy insulin. I can’t keep my house. I can’t keep either of my cars. I can’t fucking do any fucking thing. I don’t fucking know why I bothered being a “good” person all of my life to only have to live like this fucking shit. Why did I bother with fucking school? It doesn’t mean fuck! I can’t even get a fucking interview for any of the fucking jobs I’ve been applying to.
Fuck this life.
Fuck it all.
And Fuck God!
Fuck you God. Do you hear me?!?!?! Fuck you! I fucking hate the fucking concept of a God.
Oh yeah! I’m supposed to fucking celebrate being fucking sober too, right?
Fuck it! I don’t fucking wanna be sober. Every fucking time I try, I can’t fucking do it anyways.
I promise you, when I run out of insulin, and I will in 20 days, I will drink my fucking ass off, because none of it will fucking matter at that point!
Fuck you God.
This was going to be an expression of how I feel, but it turned into a fucking rant. That’s how I really fucking feel. I can’t keep the facade of goodness up anymore. It’s all fucked. Everything is fucked.
Have faith, my ass.
Give it to God, as if there is one.
Have faith in what? Magic? No one fucking wants to give me a job. No one gives a fucking shit.
I fucking hate everything right at this fucking moment.
Fuck it all!
this is a fucking meltdown.
This is it.