I don’t hate God…

Last week, I had a serious breakdown and a serious explosion – a rant, if you will – about God. I am scared. It’s true. But my fear is being misplaced and I’m looking, desperately, for someone or something to be responsible. Maybe it’s because of the lack of control I have over the situation, but it is what I did. And the truth of the matter is that I don’t really know how to have faith.

I don’t understand the level of comfort people have in praying to God. I don’t understand accepting things on God’s terms. It lacks all sensibility to me. I can’t wrap my mind around depending on an entity that I have no influence over. How can this unknown “person” be able to help me in the way I need? I don’t understand this utter giving up of my own responsibility to powers beyond my ability to control. I simply do not get it.

How do you do that?

I know I need insulin to survive. The thought of praying to God to help me with this seems like a losing battle. If I have no ability to pay for it, if I have no ability to go out and do agreed upon work to obtain the things I need to live, how can God possibly go outside of the world He/She affects to do this? Isn’t this world His/Her creation? Doesn’t that mean that all activities upon it are at His/Her discretion? To me, that means the systems in place are established with His/Her knowledge and approval. This means, I have to function within that system. If I am unable to function in that system, prayer to God becomes irrelevant.

Maybe my thinking is flawed.

I used to love God. I used to be a half-way decent catholic and went to church, prayed my Rosary, participated in the sacraments, etc. But maybe, my acceptance of my sexuality is my curse. I can’t ever tell what is or what is right. Am I being selfish for wanting to live? Is that an evil thing?

I often describe my struggles and troubles in life my philosophical battle with existentialism, but what if it is much more simple than that? What if all I am trying to do is live and living is the struggle. I also mentioned last week, that I give up. I know I’m not giving up. The simple fact that I’m writing this post and still struggling with this means I’m not giving up. I can’t accept that I am facing death. I can’t accept that there is no solution. I simply cannot accept that as my reality.

I’m a fighter.

I always have been.

But I am desperate. Fear got to me last week. And if I admit it it honestly, it has been one of the primary factors in my alcoholism – I don’t like fear and I avoid it with drinking. I have other character flaws, obviously, but fear is the one that has me at my worst lately and maybe this is what is meant by the Gift Of Desperation.

Maybe I am at that point…

Maybe I am finally desperate.

I don’t like it.

I don’t like it at all.

But I can’t find faith. I can’t seem to understand trusting a God. How can I trust something that I can’t truly accept? Yet, I trust I’ll die if I accept my situation as it is. And if a solution comes, is that God or my own mental faculties working in my favor? How do I know if She did it for me?

To me, none of this makes any sense at it’s most basic level. I don’t hate God – I don;t hate Her or Him. But I don’t know how to love Her.

15 thoughts on “I don’t hate God…

  1. Somebody wants told me that God is exactly who you should aim your rage at. God is the one who can take it.
    God also knows that you need to get the poison out of you, and he can transmute it into something beautiful

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Dude, go read pp 24-25 in your Big Book. Get off the pity potty–all you get for it is a ring around your ass. You are not the only unemployed man in the world who needs insulin and God is not going to let you die like that. Go to a meeting, call your sponsor, pray to the God of your understanding, give thanks, and find someone in your life to serve.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Over time – and a lot of it – so many have had crises of faith due to their sexuality and when things get difficult, the first thing they do is say that God is punishing them for their wickedness and many go on a major quest to beg God’s forgiveness and to make amends for their sins. If this was really the case, there would be a great many people suffering God’s wrath… oh, wait – there are a lot of people suffering with this, that, or the other; struggling to make ends meets, health issues that’s not related to COVID-19 and a great many people are, in fact, struggling hard behind the effects of COVID-19 world-wide.

    And maybe you’ve found – and, no doubt as many others probably are finding – that ranting and raving at or against God doesn’t do a whole lot. Why isn’t God stepping in like He’s supposed to; why has He forsaken me in my greatest time of need? Why is it so hard to hold onto your faith?

    With or without faith, one still has to do whatever they can in order to survive. It’s not God’s fault and it’s not so much your fault due to your sexuality or your faith waffling all over the place; life and everything associated with it will deal you a shitty hand; it’ll back you into a corner and your choices are simple: Come out swinging… or sit in the corner feeling sorry for yourself and blaming God for not rushing to your aid and other non-actions that, if nothing else, will keep you in that corner.

    The need for insulin is pretty important; did you contact whoever makes your insulin and ask if they can help? These days, many pharma companies give assistance for those who need medications and are having a hard time getting them or the costs are beyond their means. Doing this, methinks, is a better option than ranting and raving and entertaining the thought that because of your “lack of faith,” you’re being singled out and punished. One of the things I heard growing up and going to church is, “God helps those who help themselves…” or, as I kinda reasoned, if you do nothing to help yourself, few – if any – are going to lift a finger to help you… and that seems to include God… but the good book also said that He gave us free will over our existence, not to mention that there are and always will be things that are – or get – beyond your control and now you gotta figure out how to get some control back and, yeah, if you don’t do it, few are gonna lift a finger to help you until you show that you’re doing everything within your power to help yourself.

    “Bad” things happen to people because that’s life. It’s too easy for me to look at all the stuff that’s gone wrong in my own life and blame my sexuality for the reason God is punishing me and my prayers are going unanswered. The truth is things have gone wrong… because that’s what they do and most of the time when I look at those bad moments, sometimes it’s because I failed to act when I had the chance to or I did act… and the failure is due to outside influences failing to come to the fore and like I needed them to. And, forever and ever, shit always happens and definitely when you’d rather it not happen. And just like anything else, it’s up to you to do something about it because, simply, if you’re not gonna do anything, who’s supposed to and more so when, as the old folks would tell us, God is too busy to answer everyone’s prayers – just another way to tell us that while praying is good, we still need to get off our ass and do things for ourselves.

    Find out who makes your insulin if you don’t know that already; contact them to see if they offer help; contact your state’s Medicaid office and see if there’s anything they can do – they take folks who depend on insulin seriously. Do something other than what you did the other day.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This “God” that you keep referring to really sucks. “He” sounds judgmental, homophobic, sexist, hypocritical… just everything that’s wrong with this world. This sounds very much like your parents’ “God”. Why don’t you get a God of your understanding? One who isn’t all negative and shitty.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. My mother brought me up with the same hateful, judgmental, unforgiving “God” you often talk about. Needless to say, I lived in guilt most of my life because I never felt good enough. Through recovery I kept hearing “a God of your understanding”. It took me years to understand what that meant. One day I sat down and wrote what my HP would look like. She/he (because my HP has no gender affiliation) does not punish (I know when I’ve screwed up), does not discriminate, is loving, compassionate, forgiving, and everything I strive to be. When I read “Conversations With God – Book I” by Neale Donald Walsch, the basis of it resonated with me and opened the door to a life I’d been looking for. Agreeing with kdaddy23 here: When what you have been doing all these years does not work, don’t you think it’s time to move on and try something else?

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Your drinking once worked for you as well. When once served us no longer does, it’s time for a change. The one thing that is certain in this life is that everything changes… nothing stays the same. Embrace the growth.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Hello there Friend. You have an interesting post here, and questions that I think I can help to answer.
    1) “I can’t wrap my mind around depending on an entity that I have no influence over. How can this unknown “person” be able to help me in the way I need?”

    Answer: God is able to know what we need because he is our creator. He knows every bit of us and he knows what we need, because he created us. Who can know better about a creation than its creator. The Bible says in Jeremiah 17:10 “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways.”

    2) God as Him or Her
    Answer: God is not a human being, he is a spirit. So God is not a him or her per se. He is a spirit. The Bible says in John 4:24 “God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.”

    3) Relying on God means you have no control
    Answer: Christians work hard just like everyone else. However, with prayer, you are praying to God to bless your efforts. Sometimes, God blesses people with things they have not necessarily worked for. However, God loves hard working people. God has given us control already by blessing us with talents and gifts, it is up to us to work hard and achieve our destiny (which includes using our gifts to benefit the world, and also to benefit God’s kingdom). However, life is not necessarily a bed of roses, so God stands as a helper to us.
    The Bible says in Ephesians 2:10
    “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them”.

    4) I do not know how to love God, how do I love God?
    Answer: The same way you love anyone you have a strong connection to. The same way you love your parents, or anyone else that you love. You need to have an interest in God. Try to find out about God by reading the word of God. Speak to God frequently by praying to him and spending time reflecting on him. Be happy with him the same way you are happy around the people you love, by delighting in him and singing praise songs. Express gratitude by thanking him when he does something good for you and by sharing your testimony with others.

    5) Fear and drinking:
    People often resort to things like drinking when they get scared, but always remember that many a time, the only fear is fear itself. Ask God for strength and let him be your shield. God says in Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”.

    if you want more information on how to connect with God, I have a post on it here: https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/
    You can check out the blog post above. If the information is too overwhelming for you, then you can start slow and work your way up gradually. If you want to stay updated and you want more posts from me, you can follow my blog. I post about God, faith and Christian Spirituality.

    May God’s blessing be with you, Amen. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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