I’m desperate…

…but I have renewed my commitment to not give up.

*Trigger Warning: I’m going to discuss suicide*

I haven’t posted in quite some time and I have been sporadic on social media lately. The truth of the matter is that I had been on the precipice of self-demise. I haven’t been able to find work, I am essentially running on empty – financially, emotionally, soberly (I’m not…ugh…), etc. I am beyond desperate at this point.

And to make matters worse, last Saturday I was going to kill myself. I pulled my insulin pump out and made the decision I was going to let myself die. And I decided to drink a lot of beer and eat a lot of food to raise my blood sugar fast. I figured, I’d be dead by my birthday – which was this past Monday. I knew what would happen. Without insulin, my blood sugar would rise. I would begin urinating a lot. I would start feeling nauseated with headaches and severe dehydration. As ketoacidosis sets in, I knew that I would either fall into a coma or I would begin having problems with consciousness. And my hope was that no one would notice, because if they did they would probably send me on an ambulance to he hospital. But if I was not found, I was hoping my organs would eventually just shut down. A type 1 diabetic without insulin has the chances of dying within a week, if they are lucky, but it’s really only a matter of days. Ketoacidosis can begin setting in within 12-24 hours.

And it’s a horrible way to day (not than any way is really wonderful)…

But, even as much as I felt I hated myself and hated my life at the time. When I began feeling nauseated, I decided I really didn’t want to die like that because I felt horrible. And I’m actually a big pussy and didn’t want to die in discomfort. So, I tested my blood glucose and at the time it was 516 mg/dL – normal should be 90-120 mg/dL for a type 1 diabetic. So, I inserted a new infusion for my insulin pump. By nightfall, my blood glucose came down to 312 mg/dL, so I kept treating it by drinking lots of water and taking insulin. By Sunday morning, I was able to get it back down to the normal range.

That’s a good thing.

I decided everyone and everything can fuck off. I was going to live to spite every fucking thing. I had to get pissed off enough to live. I mean, fuck it. If I got to sink down to total loser-hood, I was going to do it with a fight. So, I developed a “Fuck you” attitude for a couple of days.

Things still aren’t moving the direction I need them to go…

But, I was asked to help with the remodeling of one of the rentals my grandfather owned. So, I got to pretend to be masculine for a few days and swing a hammer (It really is kind of funny watching me do manual labor…I am completely inept). I needed the physical activity. I’ve also gone back to walking each day. And, I started practicing taekwon-do again.

I have no fucking idea what is going to happen to my life right now, but I am not going to give up.

I really do want Stephanie to be in my mind and not Hilda. Hilda can suck a dick – and not in a good way, because sometimes sucking dick is a good thing.

Pardon me, if I seem a little feisty today, I just want to keep fighting. I want to be a strong bitch! I want to embrace my reality.

And I’m going to go back to Alcoholics Anonymous today (Yesterday was a new day 1 for me). I don’t give a fuck what my soon to be ex-wife says. Fuck her too.

12 thoughts on “I’m desperate…

  1. Rooting for you dear precious princess. I have not been around for awhile and missed much, but I am beyond grateful to find you here. Happy belated birthday, love. Chin up, things will fall into place and the best you can do is to try and resist less. Things will happen either way. Do yourself a favor and avoid as much stress as possible. Keep that “fuck it” attitude but on a calm way instead of anger. You got this and I’m here if you need me. Always ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I say, go ahead and embrace the “suck”. Falling down is an intricate part of life. Unfortunately, some of us have to fall down much farther than others before we get it. Happy belated birthday my dear friend. I’m so ecstatic you are now kicking ass and taking names.

    Liked by 2 people

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