I don’t know what it is about my emotions that cause me to swing back and forth from positive (Stephanie) to negative (Hilda) in a matter of a few days, hours, minutes or seconds. But, since yesterday, I’ve just been on this blah trek in my psyche. I’m not really sure what it is that’s doing it to me, but I am seriously off today.
Yesterday I had an intense, yet short lived, visit from Hilda that I thought was going to send me into a tail spin, but I was able to offset it with some realism from Stephanie (I really should allow her into my headspace a little more often). So, I thought it was a success, but some of the things I let go on in my mind makes me believe I have childish feelings, emotionally charged degradation of myself that anyone with a certain level of maturity could easily avoid. And then today it hit me that I am a Drama Queen to myself, if that’s even possible.
Truthfully, I sometimes don’t understand why I drift back to these sorts of thoughts, fully knowing that there is no way they do me any good. But for some reason, I can’t seem to sort it all out. I find myself despising doing things I know are beneficial for me, and truthfully, I think on some level I’m afraid of some aspects of changing for some sort of principled life – what if everything I have come to discover about myself is somehow a misnomer or mistake and I’ve lied to myself? I don’t know.
I just don’t like this blahness of my life right now. I want to be constantly on. I want to be constantly positive and optimistic. And sometimes, I wonder if the constant questioning of myself is doing me some sort of harm and not doing me any good at all.
And it all makes me want to drink, honestly.
I hate my thoughts and I hate feeling like I can’t function unless I have someone constantly encouraging me or constantly advising me or constantly validating me. It all seems so childish and narcissistic and stupid.
And maybe I just need to learn to accept my life the way it is and that there really is no way to have the better life I’ve heard is possible.
I don’t know…
I simply don’t know.
And I don’t like how I feel.
I don’t think Hilda is visiting, but I’m quite sure Stephanie isn’t.
Any maybe that feminine personification of my dual thinking is stupid too.
Everything just feels stupid right now.
And I’m bored, lacking passion about anything.