I’ve got a lot of thoughts buzzing around my delicate little mind lately, but there are a couple that are more prominent than others and one of those is the thought that I really need to quit drinking. It’s not like it’s a big secret that I’m an alcoholic, but I seem to treat dealing with it like it’s a secret. It shouldn’t be – it should be right there in front of my face and I should be dealing with it in the most dignified manner possible: Honesty.
Last week, I said I was going to quit (that’s the biggest lie us alcoholics tell ourselves, let alone everyone else around us). I even said I’d go back to AA in that post I linked. I didn’t. Truthfully, I can’t figure out what it is that prevents me from going. I know when I go, I am able to stay away from drinking, but I feel self-centered about it all. I feel as if doing it prevents me or hinders me from other responsibilities in my life. And on some level, it feels like nothing more than a distraction until I can figure out what to do with my life.
But I know…
Deep down, I know that everything is a distraction and doesn’t really address the hole I feel in my own life. I desperately feel the need to get right, to get on tract, to fulfill my own sense of duty to life or the world around me. If you’ve been following my blog (or even my previous blogs), you all know my struggles and I certainly don’t need to rehash every single struggle I have, because it becomes quite obvious if you read back through my posts. But the brief list is this:
- I’m struggling with my purpose in life
- I struggle with all relationships in my life, especially my marriage
- I struggle with my sense of self-worth
- I struggle with my sexuality
- I struggle with my health
- I struggle with drinking (obviously)
Every person I’ve talked with about AA usually says working the program is the way out of this, it’s the way to find a spiritual life, but I’ll be honest, it begins to feel like a structured religious system after a while, It begins to feel like an obligation after a while and part of my struggles in life is that I’m sick or responsibility and struggle. One of my biggest hang-ups or resentments is that I feel like I lived a life following advice, following expected norms, meeting obligations because everyone I trusted said that doing these things would give me the life I desire. The empiricism of this little experiment, however, has shown me the exact opposite. So, I have learned to distrust what anyone says.
It’s fucked up. I know that.
But, I don’t know what else to do. I am going to my first meeting in months. I haven’t drank since yesterday. I have no idea what I am doing anymore.
But, I am not giving up.
I’ll keep trying.
Today is day 2.