Self-Doubt – a.k.a. Hilda

This morning, I woke up not feeling like being sober. It’s not like I had the sudden urge to go drink, but I had these detrimental thoughts that went something along the lines of “Eh..what’s the point?”, “All of these seems like tedious and boring work” and even “Why do I want to share anything about myself with anyone that can look into my eyes and see the darkness and depth of my soul?”

I knew it was Hilda at work. That’s what she does – she fills me with self doubt.

I went to a meeting. Believe it or not, I have been attending every day since, I wrote about not giving up. But even today when I had lunch with someone and was told, “We need to figure out a way to get you to where you can have a beer and not drink too much.” I knew that was the self-doubt Hilda was looking for, but I pushed it out of my mind for the time being and ordered a water with my meal.

Being 5 days into this, I feel that alcoholic fuzz lifting and my thoughts are more coherent. The problem is that the coherence is also awareness of the dis-ease I have. And I mean it’s a lack of ease I feel in life. I don’t know why that’s always there, it never seems to go away and what worries me is that I know that someday I won’t have the ability to fight Hilda off the way I need to fight her off. It’s always accompanied with tenseness of my body, a tunnel vision of my mind as I try and fight off whatever stress I’m feeling, and a strong desire to run from whatever situation I find myself.

It’s fear based, I suppose. I’m not sure.

I’m trying to immerse myself in sobriety again. I’m trying to work up the courage to call the guy that was working with me for the past several years. I’m listening to sobriety podcasts, trying to interact with sober people online. But I don’t know. Something feels like it’s missing.

Maybe it’s that hole in the soul that everyone says I need to fill with God, but I really don’t know how to do that or if I want to do that. I wonder if I can be who I am and still have a relationship with God.

I dunno…

…I guess I just want to get through today.

Or even the next 10 minutes, repetitively for the rest of the day.

As I mentioned, today is day 5.

And I feel like I’m rambling.

8 thoughts on “Self-Doubt – a.k.a. Hilda

  1. Sending support and positive vibes. Maybe just live with the ‘hole’ and don’t try to fill it just yet. You may, in time, discover what might fill it or that you have filled it and didn’t realise. Keep going, use your tools and strategies and reach out to the community here. There are lots who are finding the early days tough. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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