I realize the title seems a little desolate, but I am quickly coming to the realization that I am at my bottom. Although, my world has not finished crumbling, it is now beyond my ability to save on my own. I know I’m doing everything humanly possible to climb out of the hole I find myself, and I completely recognize that hole is still under construction as I keep descending, but I also know that the harder I climb and the faster I try, the deeper I get.
I need help.
I want someone to tell me what to do, give me the advice I need. I believe I am receptive to it. I believe I am desperate enough. I recognize that I haven’t been attending AA meetings with an open mind. I know I haven’t turned myself over to a Higher Power. I accept that I have not always been receptive to possible jobs or career possibilities due to my own personal bias. I have been a know-it-all for far too long and have resisted anyone trying to help me, because I looked down on others. But, ultimately, I recognize that I have not humbled myself.
But I need help…I need advice…I need on going support and encouragement.
I admit it, I’m at the point where change MUST happen. It MUST occur.
I no I have said it before, but I don’t think there is any other choice – I have to resist Hilda and invite Stephanie into my repertoire of positive vibes. It is time.
And, I am no longer above listening to others. I have been a bitch for far too long.
I want this.
I truly, truly want this!
Acquiescent Soul 
Over all this time, many of us have had your back and, if nothing else, providing moral support and advising you about stuff. You’ve tried AA, have tried to restore your faith and belief in a higher power, have tried therapy, and you’ve had mixed results trying to kick that bitch Hilda to the curb… and I don’t know what else you can do at this point. You’ve tried the BMJ thing and also with mixed results and even with Stephanie trying to get out, it’s gotta be difficult for a man to follow hints and tips that are designed for women.
It’s hard for any of us to do this from a distance and maybe you need a good friend that’s local to you who you can open up to and who’s gonna literally be there to help you do the things that many of us here have been trying to get you to do – and stick to. Hell, even I’ve told you quite a few times how I’d just love to show up at your front door and put you over my knee and spank the daylights out of you… but, yeah, you might like that.
If you’re gonna drink, do it in moderation and with the dogged purpose of not getting drunk – it doesn’t solve anything. Faith… well, you’re either going to believe or you aren’t and I’m sure as hell not gonna tell you to keep believing or not to. Therapy… isn’t really the kind of thing where someone tells you what you need to do so much but it’s supposed to get you to take a very hard look at yourself and start changing the parts that you don’t like and/or to work on whatever issues you have that has put you in the therapist’s office. Anyone can suggest a slew of things… but you still have to be willing to do them and without fail… or much failure.
Hilda. That bitch. Truth is that we all have a “Hilda” running around in our head and she’s a bitter, hateful cunt who means you no good at all… but we learn not to listen to her so much since we already know she’s trying to drag us into bad places.
Stephanie. I know that you’d rather be more like her but it’s not easy to really let your inner girl out and in public and I know that she’s connected to your bisexuality. I can tell you that I know of a whole lot of men who have their own Stephanie and they’ve figured out how to let their inner girl out so that they can be bisexual in the way they need to be. You just really and seriously need to figure out how you can do this without shooting yourself in the foot or exposing yourself to those who don’t need to know about Stephanie. I do not know how you can do this and, more, what works for me regarding my bisexuality might not work for you; when my inner girl – who doesn’t have a name – wants to come out and play, I just let her come out and play and some guy is gonna get lucky… but I don’t worry about what other people are gonna say about it and anyone who dares to bitch at me about it, well, they’ll find out that they should have kept their opinions to themselves. But that’s me… and it’s also a lot of other men with their own inner girl, too. Find a way to do whatever it is that Stephanie requires while covering your ass at the same time.
You have to believe in yourself. You have to accept that there’s some shit going on that there just isn’t anything you can do about and there are many more things that you really do need help to take care of. The thing about needing help assumes that you are willing to accept help… and that’s never easy to do and usually because we all believe that whatever’s going wrong with us, for one, shouldn’t involve anyone else because it’s our problems to deal with and, for another, it’s seen as a sign of weakness and/or failure to have to ask someone else to help us. We all find out – and usually the hard way – that’s there is only so much we can do on our own and we learn what it’s like to eat crow and swallow our pride and ask for help… and now we have to be determined to accept that help and do our best to use that help in whatever way we can.
No one can do this for you. If I lived where you do, I would have sought you out, sat you down, spanked that ass or whatever needed to be done to drag you out of this very bad place you’re in… but I don’t live where you do. I can’t get to you – and you should be glad that I can’t. In a way, don’t ask what someone else would do – you must be about what you should be doing and then do whatever has to be done in order to work things out… and with the mindset that failure is not an option… while knowing that some stuff ain’t gonna work so something else has to be tried.
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What the very clever and insightful man said … nothing more to be said. Don’t fail. Get the help you need, whatever that help looks like. I know for certain and from experience it doesn’t look like a bottle of booze!
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I know I’ve told you this, but, I could only get this far by support of my husband, friends, a few sober buddies, but most importantly, a dermination that life would be better.
I had to. There were no more “tries” anymore.
The cool thing is, life is better. It works. But you must somehow believe.
xo
Wendy
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I was feeling positive this morning and then it changes as the day goes on. I dunno…I’m sick, I know I am.
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