Yesterday’s post about me feeling desperate might have come across differently than I intended it. I really meant it to designate me marking a turning point, but I noticed from some of the people who messaged me privately, that it might have come across as me giving up. And, I suppose on some level, I kind of was surrendering. But, I think accepting your situation in life is a bit of a surrender. I am surrendering to my own powerless and unmanageability in my life. I am recognizing that my current trajectory was spinning out of control and I knew it needed to stop.
So, my intention, yesterday, was to point out that I was at my stepping off point. I am at the point that I recognize change has to happen. I had to do something different, because I was losing the fight. I mention all of the things I need to change quite routinely and then it came to me that I am just not doing anything about it. Even when I try to do something about my situation, the results seem to be the same. So, I am at the point of surrender to accept everything as it is and begin to look for the change in the chaos.
So, today, when I woke up, I rolled out of bed and onto my knees and said the following prayer:
God, I’m desperate and confused.
I don’t know what to do anymore,
But if you tell me what to do,
I’ll do it.
Please, God, tell me what to do.
God, please grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Please help me not drink today
And please show me what to do with my life right now.
It’s what I prayed. I know I need some sort of direction in my life because I can’t seem to make heads or tails of the world anymore. I know I’m not finding the pathway to any financially rewarding career. I know my relationships are in shambles. I know I’m always confused about my sexuality. I know I don’t take care of my health. I know my drinking is alcoholic and nor normal. I know I don’t know much and I allow what I do know to cloud my judgment in appropriateness. What I don’t know, however, is how to trust my Higher Power. I don’t know how to trust anything beyond myself and I know I have lost confidence in my own ability to make decisions.
But I prayed; I prayed out of desperation. The only thing I can do is get the fuck out of the way and let God do with me as He (or She…I really don’t know) wants to do with me.
I’m willing to accept it.