Yeah, I think I do. I think I lie to myself. I think I tell myself things and have no idea if I am building myself up with truths or lies and I have no idea if I am tearing myself down with truths or lies. I’ve got a few beers in me right now as I write this, so that probably constitutes being fucked up on some level either way. I had a beer last night and then 4 or five this afternoon. And, I told myself I was an alcoholic – or not – it really depends on whatever mood I’m in.
Truthfully, I’m angry. I’m angry for receiving a job offer.
Eh…no I’m not…or at least that’s only part of it.
I got irritated with someone at an AA meeting this past Saturday. Some dickhead took issue with me looking at my phone during his share and said something about it out in the open instead of mentioning it to me after the meeting. I mean, I get it on some level – obviously he felt it was rude that someone would pay attention to something other than him when we was speaking. I mean, the world should obviously stop and pay attention to Tom the almighty. So, when he said something, I put my phone down and he went on about it. I got up, quietly, without making a scene and decided to leave. Then Tom the dick had something to say as I left – “And there he goes to leave.”
Fuck off Tom. Fuck all the way off. Quit cheating on your 15 different fucking wives and maybe shut the fuck up about your non-solution. And fuck off Tom.
I don’t know why it bothers me now why I am hanging on to it – I suppose it gives me something to focus on with my real frustrations – the lack of a fulfilling career. But I got two job offers today and one I’m interested in and it pays squat. The other I’m only mildly okay with and it also pays squat. And, I’m frustrated that I’m not where I imagined I’d be with my life right now.
Both job offers are conditional and I have to go through a process of several little things that I’ll likely pass just fine, so I’ll be working again soon enough. But, I’ll literally be making $100,000 per year less than I was six years ago and that really, really, really pisses me off. And I don’t know how to accept my situation nor how to be grateful for what is given to me. It pisses me off, because I deserve more…
And that’s the biggest fucking lie, right? The idea that I deserve anything, right?
So, I can’t stand it.
I’m roiling, tense, pissy, angry, frustrated and the only thing that I can find to stop all of the motion is to drink. Drinking is the only thing that keeps me from exploding. Prayer doesn’t work. Going to a meeting doesn’t work.
I probably won’t drink the rest of tonight, because I would probably piss off the people around me and I don’t want or need the added stress, but I know for a fact that given the opportunity tonight, I would drink my ass off. I’m in one of those moods. I’m just fucking pissed off and I can’t ever find a way to stop being pissed off or get over shit that happened over five years ago.