I’m pretty sure I lie to myself

Yeah, I think I do. I think I lie to myself. I think I tell myself things and have no idea if I am building myself up with truths or lies and I have no idea if I am tearing myself down with truths or lies. I’ve got a few beers in me right now as I write this, so that probably constitutes being fucked up on some level either way. I had a beer last night and then 4 or five this afternoon. And, I told myself I was an alcoholic – or not – it really depends on whatever mood I’m in.

Truthfully, I’m angry. I’m angry for receiving a job offer.

Eh…no I’m not…or at least that’s only part of it.

I got irritated with someone at an AA meeting this past Saturday. Some dickhead took issue with me looking at my phone during his share and said something about it out in the open instead of mentioning it to me after the meeting. I mean, I get it on some level – obviously he felt it was rude that someone would pay attention to something other than him when we was speaking. I mean, the world should obviously stop and pay attention to Tom the almighty. So, when he said something, I put my phone down and he went on about it. I got up, quietly, without making a scene and decided to leave. Then Tom the dick had something to say as I left – “And there he goes to leave.”

Fuck off Tom. Fuck all the way off. Quit cheating on your 15 different fucking wives and maybe shut the fuck up about your non-solution. And fuck off Tom.

I don’t know why it bothers me now why I am hanging on to it – I suppose it gives me something to focus on with my real frustrations – the lack of a fulfilling career. But I got two job offers today and one I’m interested in and it pays squat. The other I’m only mildly okay with and it also pays squat. And, I’m frustrated that I’m not where I imagined I’d be with my life right now.

Both job offers are conditional and I have to go through a process of several little things that I’ll likely pass just fine, so I’ll be working again soon enough. But, I’ll literally be making $100,000 per year less than I was six years ago and that really, really, really pisses me off. And I don’t know how to accept my situation nor how to be grateful for what is given to me. It pisses me off, because I deserve more…

And that’s the biggest fucking lie, right? The idea that I deserve anything, right?

So, I can’t stand it.

I’m roiling, tense, pissy, angry, frustrated and the only thing that I can find to stop all of the motion is to drink. Drinking is the only thing that keeps me from exploding. Prayer doesn’t work. Going to a meeting doesn’t work.

I probably won’t drink the rest of tonight, because I would probably piss off the people around me and I don’t want or need the added stress, but I know for a fact that given the opportunity tonight, I would drink my ass off. I’m in one of those moods. I’m just fucking pissed off and I can’t ever find a way to stop being pissed off or get over shit that happened over five years ago.

6 thoughts on “I’m pretty sure I lie to myself

  1. The drinking is the root cause of you not being able to deal with all this. It’s shitty I agree but you will only ever haul yourself out if you don’t see alcohol as the answer but know and believe it makes everything so much worse. You need to look after your mental health, whatever it takes. I know you can do this. You are worth it 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Given how messed up things are these days, I’d be happy to be able to get a job – period. We all “lie” to ourselves – little things (mostly) and big ones at times; we’re trying to convince ourselves of a lot of stuff that might be true… and perhaps not so much. And sometimes we get angry because we told ourselves a fib and it can spill over to other things – and because we know we’re lying to ourselves. When I got to the point in my rehab from my stroke that I knew for a fact that I’d never get back to 100%, I told myself a lie – basically – that I could still get there despite what both my doctor – and my body – were telling me while, at the same time, knowing the truth… and I got beyond pissy that day and I wound up pissing off everyone around me.

    And while it is strangely okay to be angry as long as you don’t go overboard, it’s not okay to lie to yourself. You can insist that you deserve this, that, or the other and that’s not really all that bad but the lie is insisting this when you know you’ve done little or nothing to deserve whatever you think you deserve.

    And drinking just never makes any of this better and more so when you desperately don’t want to drink.

    Liked by 1 person

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