I’m not sure why my mood changes so often, but it does. It’s kind of tedious, honestly, but I can wake up in the best of moods and then have it change to complete fear based negativity in a heartbeat. Take for example, this morning. I was full of optimism this morning. I was full of “Yes, I’m gonna give it my all” and within a couple of hours when something makes me uncomfortable – like trying to figure out an onboarding system for a school district I’m trying to be a substitute, I develop a quick “Fuck it” attitude and just don’t want to bother.
And it manifests physically. I can feel the fear that I’m stupid. I feel like none of this should be so difficult. I feel like other people must figure it out. And within a few minutes I can foresee my entire life crumbling down around me and my gut reactions is to forego it all and not bother…
…and go get a beer. But I won’t
It’s just what happens. I feel my confidence erode with the wind. And it doesn’t take much. I know the reality of my situation and it’s not good and I feel like if I just get something going in the right direction, then I can get my mind off everything around me and just work on trudging forward. But I run into a small hang-up and then I’m ready to just quit, just give up.
I know I feel utterly lost. I have the opportunity to take on some substitute teaching jobs until I can find a contracted teaching position. I’m willing to take less pay than I used to make, for the simple reason that it’s an income. But the substitute teaching position actually pays less than I receive in unemployment benefits, so for the short term it really sucks (I haven’t paid my mortgage for October, so it’s getting serious now) in terms of saving me financially. I believe that a contracted teaching position – which still doesn’t pay what I’ve made the past 20 years on an annual basis – will at least keep my head above water until I can stabilize my spiraling into financial failure.
I try to remain positive. I haven’t stopped applying for jobs and I’m trying to focus on different careers than I’m used to, but it’s still a struggle to stay afloat. I tell myself encouraging things and I try and realize that I’m doing the best I can, but that little voice of doubt that has such a strangle hold on me manages to seep into my brain and make me feel utterly worthless.
I know this is simply another Hilda vs. Stephanie battle, and I’m trying desperately to side with Stephanie, but I also know that the main weapon Hilda is using against me is fear. Fear attacks my confidence, it attacks my self-esteem, attacks my sense of purpose and the sense of duty I have to my family. I know this is something that Stephanie MUST win.
But the constant hot and cold my confidence faces is tiring. I feel like writing this helps, I feel my spirit wanting to fight. She’s there…the warrior inside of me wants to come out and she wants to be the victor of this battle. She wants me spirit to be strong, confident, loving, committed and determined. She’ll persevere, I truly believe that.