Sometimes, I simply do not feel sexual.
Sometimes, I do not feel bisexual.
Sometimes I do not feel homosexual.
Sometimes I do not feel heterosexual.
Sometimes I just don’t know what I’m feeling. I have these times during life when I find myself thinking that I have focused so much on how I feel sexually, that I have ignored so many authentic aspects of who I am. Sometimes I go through these periods of wanting to revive who I am at my basic level. I believe it has everything to do with the fact that I haven’t had a stable career in over five years. And when I get to feeling this way I think it’s because I have spent so much of my life defining myself according to my job or career.
Having a job and a career seemed to give me meaning, but when it all goes away you realize how superficial it is. And it makes me wonder about the other ways I have been superficial – such as my sexuality. I mean, does it really matter who has sex with me, if I have lost touch with other aspects of myself? I think about the time I have spent online trying to find who I am – am I straight? am I gay? am I bisexual? am I submissive? am I even human?
All of the questioning I’ve gone though about my life, my marriage, my jobs/careers, my finances and anything else that I have tried to understand about myself has gotten me to the point where I think I have forgotten the values I have always had. I think I’ve forgotten the things that have made me happy because I was so focused on trying to represent myself in a way that most other people can care less about.
Today is one of those days where I feel fluctuations in how I feel. I’m discovering that life is so complex and can’t be stuffed into a box of expectations because I want to control anything and everything that happens to me. Although it’s true I can always control the decision I make, maybe I’ve focused on trying to control the outcomes of things I really have no control over. Maybe what I need to do is learn to embrace the things that are and make decisions that enhances the person I am, rather than the decisions that suppress who I am because I want to control everything outside of myself.
Maybe that’s the level of fucked-up I’m dealing with?