Fluctuations…

Sometimes, I simply do not feel sexual.

Sometimes, I do not feel bisexual.

Sometimes I do not feel homosexual.

Sometimes I do not feel heterosexual.

Sometimes I just don’t know what I’m feeling. I have these times during life when I find myself thinking that I have focused so much on how I feel sexually, that I have ignored so many authentic aspects of who I am. Sometimes I go through these periods of wanting to revive who I am at my basic level. I believe it has everything to do with the fact that I haven’t had a stable career in over five years. And when I get to feeling this way I think it’s because I have spent so much of my life defining myself according to my job or career.

Having a job and a career seemed to give me meaning, but when it all goes away you realize how superficial it is. And it makes me wonder about the other ways I have been superficial – such as my sexuality. I mean, does it really matter who has sex with me, if I have lost touch with other aspects of myself? I think about the time I have spent online trying to find who I am – am I straight? am I gay? am I bisexual? am I submissive? am I even human?

All of the questioning I’ve gone though about my life, my marriage, my jobs/careers, my finances and anything else that I have tried to understand about myself has gotten me to the point where I think I have forgotten the values I have always had. I think I’ve forgotten the things that have made me happy because I was so focused on trying to represent myself in a way that most other people can care less about.

Today is one of those days where I feel fluctuations in how I feel. I’m discovering that life is so complex and can’t be stuffed into a box of expectations because I want to control anything and everything that happens to me. Although it’s true I can always control the decision I make, maybe I’ve focused on trying to control the outcomes of things I really have no control over. Maybe what I need to do is learn to embrace the things that are and make decisions that enhances the person I am, rather than the decisions that suppress who I am because I want to control everything outside of myself.

Maybe that’s the level of fucked-up I’m dealing with?

13 thoughts on “Fluctuations…

  1. I have decided I’m asexual. Maybe this has always been my norm, but I never even considered it…

    It’s a huge relief to not even think about sex.

    I guess I’m not normal either, lol.
    Hugs to you
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m almost sure not everyone feels sexual all of the time and no matter what that means to them. Sexuality is a state of mind just as much as it is a way to do the nasty and sometimes, your mind, in whole or in part, just ain’t thinking sexily and usually because it has other things to work on. Having said that, you know that I’m bisexual and I am in a way that I don’t really think about it… well, unless I get horny but that’s different. I know what’s going on inside my head for the most part, know that I am a very sexual person… but I don’t always “feel” that way and, for me, it’s probably because I’ve been the way I am for as long as I have been that I just don’t really pay any attention to it. I just am. Then again, I don’t have any reason or reasons to have to think about how I feel in this regard – but I can understand how some who do have reason to think about their feelings could be affected in some way and probably not much of a good one. I might write something about this later – maybe it’ll help put things into perspective for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I really like this introspection. I love how honest you are about your feeling. Fluctuating and all. You always leave me with something to think about within myself. No wise words of wisdom from me today Just admiration. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That fills me with so much joy. When I first began blogging (3 blogs ago) I intended it to be nothing but a rant about my relationship, but I quickly realize how utterly depressed I was and this became my outlet for expression. I’ve also been able to address my sexuality which I have kept buried deep inside for so long…

      Liked by 1 person

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