Cynical

Feeling sorry for myself?

That’s the absolute worst thing I think Hilda has me feeling. I hate that I have succumbed to that crap. And it’s a criticism I heard about myself this morning. The criticism was intended to be constructive and it was. Of course, I didn’t want to accept it…not really. Rather, I expressed that I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. I said I am pissed. I’m just fucking pissed off that I can’t make anything happen for myself.

How did this criticism come about? Well, I received a general email from my alma mater – a foundation was created to assist students with their education. Obviously, they were seeking money. I’m on the verge of losing my house again, so I have nothing to spare right now. So, I made the comment, “Apparently these fuckers think I’m successful since I’m an alumnus…” The person I said it to then told me, “I don’t like telling you this, but I really don’t like how you feel sorry for yourself.” I replied, “I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just fucking pissed off. This isn’t how my life is supposed to turn out. I did everything by the fucking book and I can’t make anything happen. I’ve got motivation, I’ve got drive, but I can’t seem to figure out how to make any of it work in my favor. I’m fucking willing… I just…”

I trailed off as the emotion reverberated within my body. There was a moment of silence (maybe it was in reverence for my former career…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA), as I struggled to regain my composure. I said, “There’s a word for what I have become and I can’t think of it at the moment…” The person with me, jokingly with a smile said, “Is it asshole? Prick? Jerk?” I returned the smile, realizing it was playful teasing and said, “Not that any of that isn’t true, but there is a specific word I’m looking for…I just can’t think of what it is right now…”

I ended up back at home this morning, and went straight to a thesaurus to look up the word. I knew what it meant, I just couldn’t figure out in my mind what it was. I found it.

I found the word that perfectly describes how I have become.

Cynical.

I do feel sorry for myself. I hate it. That pisses me off, because it’s not who I am. It’s not my core characteristic. But I know I mask it with sarcasm, a sardonic attitude and self-deprecating jokes. I mask it with cynacism.

But the truth of the matter is I have been feeling sorry for myself a really long time.

And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the self-loathing, the self-hatred, Hilda. I’m tired of not accepting the shit pile my life has become. It’s all driven by fear. I know it to my core.I’m terrified because I recognize I have little control over everything that is going on around me.

I have become cynical because I am using it to hide my fear. And it’s a fear of myself more than it is a fear of the world around me. I think I have realized that I’m not afraid of what will happen to me nearly as much as I am afraid of being a failure. I had watched a rerun of a TV show on Netflix and a minor character in the show said something profound to me:

“Peace isn’t the absence of conflict, it’s the acceptance of it.”

I will not give the fuck up!

(….And I will listen to Stephanie more.)