BMJ: Day 155 – Let Go of That Girl

Disclaimer: I don’t maintain this series in my blog in order or on time, but as I read through this book, I add to my Beautiful Me Journal. I consider it a work in progress, because I consider myself a work in progress.

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Today’s entry into my Beautiful Me Journal (BMJ) is somewhat of a conflict for me. Honestly, I’m not sure what to think about it, because it kind of addresses my own gender-dichotomy. Let me first quote how the author begins this section, so maybe it highlights my struggle:

“Somewhere in your head is the woman you thought you should, would, could or had to be.”

I’ve discussed ad nauseum the dichotomy of my gender and have always felt more feminine on the inside than I look on the outside. I’ve even discusses the times I’ve cross-dressed to try and capture that inner feeling of femininity, but I have never given up on my masculine exterior either. But with that feminine inclination, there has always been the element of an idea that I could never truly be female. Without intending to create controversy, I also tend to lean toward the scientific idea that my physiological gender is certainly male, even if my psychological gender might lean more feminine. By reading any of my posts on gender, sexuality, femininity, it becomes kind of obvious that I have an inclination of wanting to be a woman. But that’s, oddly enough, part of the dilemma of the dichotomy of this all – the idea of rejecting my God given body disturbs me too.

Then, when I read this author’s recommendation to “Let Go of That Girl” with respect to realizing that our idea of the ideal woman is more of a hindrance to us by falsely focusing on “thing that don’t matter”. So, it makes me ponder if my ideals and wants are off base. She states, “She isn’t you. She’s taunting you”. And the truth of the matter is that I feel that. I understand I’ll never actually be a woman and I can’t image the shock and pain felt by people I do care about if I were to ever transition to a different gender. In a way, it’s just not an experience I want to go through.

But, when I have people who encourage me to embrace that inner woman I feel, I can’t help but want to experience THAT on some level too. I have had numerous experiences where friends online have made me feel comfortable being girly or experiencing my feminine side. It certainly gives me a sense of comfort and a level of peace to be accepted in that way. But sometimes I think it’s off. Sometimes I feel completely at odds too.

And then when I read things like today, when the author of this book says, “And it’s time to let her go”, then I wonder if I am attaching myself to something in an unhealthy way. Am I setting myself up for failure? I value truth and honesty and sometimes the human mind is capable of convincing itself of something that just aren’t true (denial isn’t a river in Egypt, baby!).

I realize that there are so many things within me that end up being the Stephanie vs. Hilda war that has been going on for some time. And during these times, I know that Stephanie is interested in my well-being whereas Hilda is interested in my demise. But, what is best for me? What is best for those around me? What is the best way to be?

And then, I realize what this author is actually saying:

Just be the woman I am, not the woman I want to be.

Just be me.

5 thoughts on “BMJ: Day 155 – Let Go of That Girl

  1. A word that I notice isn’t in the author’s description of the ideal woman is “want.” It’s the coulda shoulda woulda comparison that only creates feelings of inadequacy. Stephanie doesn’t sound at all like that woman, and really, who wouldn’t want to be Stephanie?

    Liked by 2 people

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