The past few days, I’ve written a little bit about my feelings of femininity and I’m sure some people reading might assume I m confused about my gender. Rest assured, I am not. But I don’t deny that there are times I have said I wish I were born female. It’s true, there are times I have wished that. On some level, it helps me reconcile being bisexual. I am not sure if I have internalized bi-phobia, but to say I have not experienced self-loathing, would be a complete farce (I’ve decided, I’m not going to link everything in my blog to the things I’m discussing, because I’m lazy and I’m sure you can find these things, if you look just a little bit at my most recent posts) – I’m not going to deny who/what I am.
I have had some brief conversations with some friends here and on Twitter that have put me at ease within my own skin. And I accept the reality of who I am – a male that enjoys many aspects of femininity. One of those aspects, of course, would be to dress like a woman from time to time. In fact, I had one friend truly encourage me to wear a dress if she and I were to ever meet. I love this idea. Truly.
I mention this for one reason and one reason only – my past blogs.
I think I have kept this blog longer than I have kept my previous blogs. Each time I deleted one of my previous blogs, it was because I felt like I was losing myself in my own online fantasy. I felt like I was trying to be something or someone I am not. And quite honestly, being a depressed alcoholic, none of it was truly helping me. But this past year I have come to terms with several things about myself and I am finding I am less self-destructive as a result of accepting myself the way I am. I am masculine on the exterior, but I am feminine at heart in a lot of ways (not entirely, but certainly somewhat) and I don’t want to feel anymore shame as a result. I have had an urge lately to buy a dress again, to by heels again, to go back to shaving my legs like I did before, buying moisturizers, plucking my eyebrows, painting my nails and all of those girlie things that make women feel good about themselves.
But, the reality is, I don’t want to be open about it. I don’t have any desire to go out in public or have any desire to “trick” anyone into thinking I’m a woman. Not that I judge anyone who does that, but the thought of it terrifies me. I wish, on some level, I just had a place to go or some girlfriends that would help me do this. I want to be able to feel this part of myself and have the experience of being female in a private setting. And have supportive friends willing to help me along the way. But at the same time, I want to be able to return to my masculine male self too – I do not want to change myself in a permanent fashion, because I really do believe God made me the way I am. I admit it, I want my cake and I want to eat it too.
Of course, part of accepting myself the way I am, means accepting everything – the sexuality, the gender, the alcoholism, the mental health, the physical health and all of the other things that go into being me. I want to change the things that are healthy for me and live in a way that offers me the fulfillment I desire. I know that if I paid more attention to that soft, delicate, kind, loving and encouraging inner voice I’ve named, Stephanie, then maybe I can actually be happy with myself.
I am willing to surrender myself to my being and live within myself and interact with the world in a positive way that builds me up instead of tears me down. What that looks like, I do not know, but I do know that I am long past due for some inner beauty, some self-love, some expression of gratitude, and goodness in my life.