…but early sobriety just sucks.
I’ve been on again and off again for the past several months. I struggle with so many of my thoughts that I find the only escape to be drinking a few beers on a daily basis. I don’t even know how to wrestle with the idea that I know abstaining is the best choice for me mentally, physically and emotionally, but I can’t seem to find the comfort that a Higher Power is supposed to provide. Even the online communities in which I try to participate don’t seem to help any more. Honestly, I kind of feel ostracized. This past Friday, I had someone tell me that they wish I could be a person of my word.
I know when I stop drinking, and I participate in tasks and activities that keep my mind engaged, I feel good. It’s when I allow myself any time to ponder that the anxiety of my thoughts creeps inside my head and the discomfort I feel seems to only be relied by a beer… I know this is directly addressed in the Doctor’s Opinion in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I know that the only way to make the changes that I want to make in my life is to break the repetitive self-destructive cycle I am on. But, I can’t even find a way to like myself, let alone believe I am capable of finding the key to changing. I know it’s God…I’m often told and advised to find ta Higher Power. And, truthfully, it’s not that I deny the existence of a God outright, but when I think about finding God, I think about what my responsibility might be in that relationship.
Lately, I have flirted with the concept of my gender identity, which I feel is coupled with my sexuality. I feel inherent conflict with that, because I just don’t know what feels right to me anymore. I find that when my relationship struggles, I begin to think exactly opposite of one way and directly inclined towards another way. Sometimes, I feel that is just my mind avoiding the responsibility of being mature within a relationship. I mean, am I as fucked up as I feel or am I simply looking and begging for some excuse not to be responsible? Ultimately, I want the privilege of being in an intimate and loving relationship with someone, but I am unsure what that is supposed to look like. Struggling with people, always makes me question myself, makes me ponder my own responsibility in the problems that exist within a relationship. Although, I’ve never been someone to not take responsibility for my own faults, I find myself caring less and less to take responsibility because there sometimes just doesn’t seem to be any recompense that is accepted. I’ve often thought that the main reason I struggle in any relationship might have a lot to do with my sexuality and/or gender identity – what if everything I fear about me is true? How can I possibly meet the things I know I am responsible to do as well as live in complete serenity with myself?
Of course, that’s not the only thing I worry about. I struggle what I’m supposed to do with my life on a professional level. It’s beginning to look more and more like I will never return to the career or job I once held, and I can’t seem to find my niche anywhere else. I have been substitute teaching at the high school level, to garner a small income while in career transition. I’m still open to the possibility of becoming a high school science/math teacher, but I see others who look so natural doing it and I feel completely inept in that environment. I find myself wanting to return to my academic roots and relearn all of the engineering course I had taken, so I can feel confident in looking for the jobs I feel I should be qualified to do, but I feel like I’m wasting valuable time doing that. I review job postings, make many applications for various jobs and careers. I’m getting no hits, and the very few I am receiving are either passing me by or are far below my capabilities. All of this makes me feel utterly obsolete. I don’t mind taking on different skills or certifications, but I am no at a point, financially, that I can no longer pay to gain these things. I’m stuck.
My health? I’m hurting all over. I have a growth on my neck right now. I have a thumb that isn’t working right and it hurts intensely when I try and move it. I’m having trouble balancing my blood sugars. My weight is still atrocious. And I have a tooth that is killing me too. I have absolutely now medical insurance right now and the income being brought in with the substitute teaching is too high to qualify me for government subsidized programs, but not high enough to purchase private health insurance.
I’m generally fucked at the moment.
But even in spite of all of this, I feel relatively positive compared to several months ago. I have not completely given up, I’m not suicidal, I’m not even mad at myself like I had been in the past. Truthfully, I am way more at ease with myself than I once was. Granted, the drinking is doing me in and I know that, but I also know I keep trying. I keep waking up and thinking that his has got to be the day that I make it work.
I’m not sure how to do any of this though…
…I’m just not sure…
…but maybe I can get through today without drinking. Just one day. Just today. God, please….