I’ve been contemplating God again…

To say I have a complex relationship with God is a bit of a misnomer. I think the reason why it’s a misnomer is because I tend to avoid God…it’s hard to be complex when I’m avoiding that which is the complexity, don’t you think? Occasionally, however, I decide to pray and when I do I always feel a little better – that is until I don’t get what I wanted in prayer (I’m only kinda joking). But yesterday, I had been speaking with a friend on Twitter and I mentioned that I felt like an abomination to God (It’s that whole laying with other men thing in the Bible…apparently, it’s frowned upon by God).

Well, this friend I had spoken with, didn’t condone nor condemn me my feelings, but she did say God accepts me where I am and in whatever condition I am. I realize that is true, but I guess on some level, I miss practicing my faith, I miss doing all of the religious things I used to do but now I somehow feel distant in my relationship with God. Obviously, this has played out in many ways – alcoholism, my crappy attitude, struggling with marriage and relationships, Hilda, etc. And I know there is some element of disdain for a level of responsibility I feel I mist have when it comes to a relationship with God.

But maybe that’s my real issue: taking responsibility. I know when I work the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) program, the only real need is for me to be willing and open minded in having a relationship with God. I know the friend I was speaking with yesterday about faith and God mentioned so much when she said, “Stop letting your fear interrupt your relationship with Him”. Obviously, being bisexual and having a desire for a different gender expression has made me fear God a little bit…rather, as I think about it…has made me fear what I’ve been told. I guess on some level God just wants me to be who I am and let Him do whatever work on little ol’ me He needs to do.

All I know, is today I am sober. Today I don’t hate myself for being bisexual. Today I don’t hate myself for all of my supposed inadequacies. Today, I feel Stephanie within me more than I have felt in a long time. I’m praying again. I’m reading the Big Book again. I’m reading the Bible again. And I don’t hate myself. I’m trying more and more to be positive, to love myself as I am, to let something bigger than myself guide me through the big amazing universe.

And I’m okay with that…it is what it is. ❤

One thought on “I’ve been contemplating God again…

  1. It’s okay to know that things in your life aren’t all that okay… as long as you keep working to be okay with yourself. I vividly recall hearing the old folks ranting and raving about queer folks when I was a kid and how they’d say that God was going to strike them down and make them burn in hell and/or someone needed to do something about them, an euphemism for someone needed to remove them from existence or beat them so badly that they’d beg for their removal. I thought that this was a pretty un-Christian way to talk about people and very evil since I’d also hear them talking about how we all needed to get along with each other.

    Hypocrites. As a young bisexual and one who got hammered with going to church and believing in God and Jesus, of course, I was worried that I’d be struck down and all that because I was… somewhat queer. I’m still alive and kicking, though, and any bad shit that’s happened in my life didn’t happen because I’m not totally heterosexual and my relationship with God is doing quite fine, thank you very much. I know a lot of people who have a fervent belief in God… and their lives aren’t all that great as, I guess, they expected it to be… and many of them are as straight as the day is long.

    A lot of people find solace in the words of the Bible… and some of those who do aren’t straight either… then again, they don’t spend a whole lot of time reading and trying to make sense of the Old Testament, the source of all the doom and gloom those of us who aren’t straight can be so worried about. We all have to do what we have to do to be okay with ourselves and, as I’ve said to you many times, only worry about the things we can’t do anything about and, oh, yeah, put those things in God’s hands so we can work on the things we can do something about.

    If nothing else, it goes a long way to reducing a lot of self-induced stress.

    Liked by 1 person

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