To say I have a complex relationship with God is a bit of a misnomer. I think the reason why it’s a misnomer is because I tend to avoid God…it’s hard to be complex when I’m avoiding that which is the complexity, don’t you think? Occasionally, however, I decide to pray and when I do I always feel a little better – that is until I don’t get what I wanted in prayer (I’m only kinda joking). But yesterday, I had been speaking with a friend on Twitter and I mentioned that I felt like an abomination to God (It’s that whole laying with other men thing in the Bible…apparently, it’s frowned upon by God).
Well, this friend I had spoken with, didn’t condone nor condemn me my feelings, but she did say God accepts me where I am and in whatever condition I am. I realize that is true, but I guess on some level, I miss practicing my faith, I miss doing all of the religious things I used to do but now I somehow feel distant in my relationship with God. Obviously, this has played out in many ways – alcoholism, my crappy attitude, struggling with marriage and relationships, Hilda, etc. And I know there is some element of disdain for a level of responsibility I feel I mist have when it comes to a relationship with God.
But maybe that’s my real issue: taking responsibility. I know when I work the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) program, the only real need is for me to be willing and open minded in having a relationship with God. I know the friend I was speaking with yesterday about faith and God mentioned so much when she said, “Stop letting your fear interrupt your relationship with Him”. Obviously, being bisexual and having a desire for a different gender expression has made me fear God a little bit…rather, as I think about it…has made me fear what I’ve been told. I guess on some level God just wants me to be who I am and let Him do whatever work on little ol’ me He needs to do.
All I know, is today I am sober. Today I don’t hate myself for being bisexual. Today I don’t hate myself for all of my supposed inadequacies. Today, I feel Stephanie within me more than I have felt in a long time. I’m praying again. I’m reading the Big Book again. I’m reading the Bible again. And I don’t hate myself. I’m trying more and more to be positive, to love myself as I am, to let something bigger than myself guide me through the big amazing universe.
And I’m okay with that…it is what it is. ❤