My last drink was Christmas Eve.
Not soon after, I was literally being kicked in the small of my back. I’m not comfortable discussing it and I really haven’t decided how to address it, so I’m going to do what I do best and avoid that topic for the time being.
But, today I am on my 38th day of sobriety. I feel I have surrendered. I have long ago accepted I am an alcoholic, long ago accepted that I could not stop on my own. So, I’ve gone back to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and went back to working with my sponsor. I know I’ve been here before – even claiming that it’s different this time would be a familiar sentiment. I don’t like the repetitive experience to it at all, but here I am.
Everything feels the same.
Less than ideal job (it’s not even a career anymore, at this point).
Seemingly insurmountable financial challenges.
Uncomfortable in my own skin.
Fickle feelings about it all.
I know I’m on unstable ground and I know I need to keep with it, but there are days when I wonder how it’s worth it. What is the reason I need to do this? I think the doubts are what send me into the complete Hilda-space that I’ve been all too familiar. And even as I write this, I do, in fact, feel something different.
I want to change. I don’t want to give in. But it’s not me. It’s something – or even someone – else altogether telling me I need to do this. I need to let-go of everything and focus on getting better. I want to trust something other than myself, because I can’t seem to manage everything I need to manage.
I’ve dropped out of school for the time being. I accepted a job that I can do – even if it requires far less skills than I have. I am not worrying about any changes I need to make other than getting involved with the 12-step program of AA.
I have found my Gift of Desperation.
Oh God, did I cry…