My last drink was Christmas Eve.
Not soon after, I was literally being kicked in the small of my back. I’m not comfortable discussing it and I really haven’t decided how to address it, so I’m going to do what I do best and avoid that topic for the time being.
But, today I am on my 38th day of sobriety. I feel I have surrendered. I have long ago accepted I am an alcoholic, long ago accepted that I could not stop on my own. So, I’ve gone back to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and went back to working with my sponsor. I know I’ve been here before – even claiming that it’s different this time would be a familiar sentiment. I don’t like the repetitive experience to it at all, but here I am.
Everything feels the same.
Attempting sobriety.
Less than ideal job (it’s not even a career anymore, at this point).
Seemingly insurmountable financial challenges.
Low self-esteem.
Uncomfortable in my own skin.
Fickle feelings about it all.
I know I’m on unstable ground and I know I need to keep with it, but there are days when I wonder how it’s worth it. What is the reason I need to do this? I think the doubts are what send me into the complete Hilda-space that I’ve been all too familiar. And even as I write this, I do, in fact, feel something different.
I want to change. I don’t want to give in. But it’s not me. It’s something – or even someone – else altogether telling me I need to do this. I need to let-go of everything and focus on getting better. I want to trust something other than myself, because I can’t seem to manage everything I need to manage.
I’ve dropped out of school for the time being. I accepted a job that I can do – even if it requires far less skills than I have. I am not worrying about any changes I need to make other than getting involved with the 12-step program of AA.
I have found my Gift of Desperation.
I cried.
Oh God, did I cry…
One day at a time . Keep it up.
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Thank you, David!
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Keep it up brother! Thank you for the share.
Now be the best you.
I struggle too, whoa…anywho, proud of you.
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Thank you so much!
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Yes. You are in the right place. Our stories are similar, but the individual epiphany you have about sober living is uniquely yours. Proud of you, my friend.
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Welcome back to reality, Missy darling. I missed you.
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I’ve been kinda busy Jae. I’m glad to see you too 🌸☺️
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You can do this. Let others help you.
Sober is so much better.
Anne
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Thank you Anne. I want this. I truly want it.
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Hang in there. You can do this
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Thank you Cinn.
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Sending soooo much love! Baby steps. Stay safe. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Hey there my friend! How are you?
And thank you so much!
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Hi yourself! Well I’m in an extraordinary place lol. Lots to say…but too much to message here. I’m blogging about it some lol. Stay strong love and one day at a time right? Hugs xo
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keep going…
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Thank you! I’m working through it for sure.
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