I’m working on sobriety again…

My last drink was Christmas Eve.

Not soon after, I was literally being kicked in the small of my back. I’m not comfortable discussing it and I really haven’t decided how to address it, so I’m going to do what I do best and avoid that topic for the time being.

But, today I am on my 38th day of sobriety. I feel I have surrendered. I have long ago accepted I am an alcoholic, long ago accepted that I could not stop on my own. So, I’ve gone back to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and went back to working with my sponsor. I know I’ve been here before – even claiming that it’s different this time would be a familiar sentiment. I don’t like the repetitive experience to it at all, but here I am.

Everything feels the same.

Attempting sobriety.

Less than ideal job (it’s not even a career anymore, at this point).

Seemingly insurmountable financial challenges.

Low self-esteem.

Uncomfortable in my own skin.

Fickle feelings about it all.

I know I’m on unstable ground and I know I need to keep with it, but there are days when I wonder how it’s worth it. What is the reason I need to do this? I think the doubts are what send me into the complete Hilda-space that I’ve been all too familiar. And even as I write this, I do, in fact, feel something different.

I want to change. I don’t want to give in. But it’s not me. It’s something – or even someone – else altogether telling me I need to do this. I need to let-go of everything and focus on getting better. I want to trust something other than myself, because I can’t seem to manage everything I need to manage.

I’ve dropped out of school for the time being. I accepted a job that I can do – even if it requires far less skills than I have. I am not worrying about any changes I need to make other than getting involved with the 12-step program of AA.

I have found my Gift of Desperation.

I cried.

Oh God, did I cry…

16 thoughts on “I’m working on sobriety again…

      1. Hi yourself! Well I’m in an extraordinary place lol. Lots to say…but too much to message here. I’m blogging about it some lol. Stay strong love and one day at a time right? Hugs xo

        Liked by 2 people

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