Recent thoughts on my sexuality and stuff.

To say I have self-esteem issues, is an understatement. If you’ve read any of the things I’ve written about Hilda, it becomes quickly obvious how self-deprecating I am. I struggle, I think, for a couple of reasons – I think I suck at inter-personal relationships and I suck at my sexuality. Truthfully, I’m not even sure how to articulate what I’m trying to say, but I’ve been having some negative feelings attached to my sexuality lately. Namely, I’ve been feeling like I go over the top in trying to express my bisexuality and what I feel is some feminine characteristics. I feel, almost, like I’m trying to force how I feel – kinda like I need other people to accept it about me, so I can accept it about myself.

That is the epitome of the problem, isn’t it? For some reason, I’m putting the validation of myself in other people’s hands. But, I think it’s deeper than that. I seek this validation online – supposedly the safety of anonymity. I’m terrified to have anyone I know in real life know anything about my sexuality or my desire to express myself in a feminine way. And there is the essence of “What if I am wrong? What if I am fooling myself?” in my self-doubts. The truth of the matter is that when I look back at different times in my life, there are times when I feel really at ease with myself within traditional norms. But, there has always been a nagging doubt that maybe that is not who I am authentically. My point is that I want others to validate me, because I can’t seem to do it myself.

Couple some of these feelings and thoughts with my sobriety, and I find a dichotomy in the validation I mentioned above. I’m learning a lot about acceptance and I’m beginning to think that maybe my thoughts and feelings are in conflict with my ability (or inability, as the case might be) to accept life on life’s terms. What if I feel at odds with myself, because I somehow created something incongruent with my life as an escape from reality – much like I did with drinking? I have gotten to a point where I felt okay being bisexual, I felt okay with wanting to be feminine too. But, what if that is merely a way I have tried to compensate for how horribly I felt about myself but had hidden with alcohol.

I have no doubts my sexuality is bisexual, but maybe that’s not how I am now. You can read many of my experiences in my section on Sexual and Relationship Development, or the things I’ve admitted to doing in Bi the Way, but I tend to be a little more straightforward – I have enjoyed sexual experiences with men and women. To me, that is the sheer essence of being bisexual. To me, the only way that one can define themselves as straight or gay, is if they are exclusive to one gender – even if there has been experimentation and they discovered they only enjoyed one gender. So, even if I have not been with another guy in many, many years, I feel I am bisexual – even if I do not want to admit it to anyone in my real life.

It’s me feminine feelings I tend to question a little more rigorously, I suppose. I’m male. I have a penis. I have no inclination of ever having it removed – even at times when I have truly desired to be a female. I like traditionally feminine things – dresses, skirts, heels, flowers, softness, bright colors, pastels…I mean, you get the idea, right? But I have also liked traditionally masculine things – strength, ruggedness, the feeling I get when a woman mentions my broad chest, ego, etc. I have this strange dichotomy about being one thing, feeling another way, looking in a mirror and not liking anything. It’s within this aspect of myself that I wonder, if true acceptance is to let go of the thing that can never be a reality. Or is the acceptance that it is okay to feel the other way without letting go of myself? Sometimes, I have day dreamed about being a woman, but other times I find myself very judgmental about certain societal changes (I’m not going to detail it out). So, what is it? What do I need to be? Am I troubling myself over something that doesn;t need to be worried about?

13 thoughts on “Recent thoughts on my sexuality and stuff.

  1. It is complicated.
    On one hand, the only way to peace is unconditional self acceptance.
    On the other, sometimes who we are inside doesn’t match who we are outside.

    Watching one of my kids struggle with this really highlighted that it isn’t just about being ok with our bodies.

    Hugs
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate you Anne. You’ve mentioned that to me before, so I know you’ve been a firsthand witness to this. I follow someone on Twitter that was discussing “radical self acceptance”, and I think on some level that maybe there is nothing I have to do other than just accept things as they are and be in the moment as it is in that moment and take care of the next moment when it comes.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. my roommates have been transgender for the past 4 years and prior to that i lived in a commune with several. I have pretty much been involved in the LGBT community as a whole for many years now, although i am cisgender hetero. It seems to me that there is and always will be quite a variety of sexual preferences amongst the trans community in general, just as it is in any other community. My belief is that one should strive to embrace the part(s) of themselves internally at the very least that give them the greatest sense of comfort and calm.It is totally individual and is totally allowed to be customized to meet anyones needs. There are no “rules” – only the perceptions placed on us by society and our upbringing. As we all know, even though these can be hard to get past- you and only you can decide whats right for you. I experimented my whole life and until i was about 50, i wasn’t sure exactly where i stood. But , eventually i did find my space. It isn’t as exotic or “exciting” or bohemia as some.. but ultimately its where i landed..big hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. just be you as they say… my one roomie goes through it…male to female trans but bisexual..thought she preferred girls, then guys then dated other trans- sometimes she was confused, even after 10 years but i just keep telling her the same- do your thing, even if if fluctuates. I love sausage, but don’t wanna eat it every day. Other roomie is new in transition, prefers women… another one 20 years in but was in closet forever & hasn’t had any kind of partner..we are all different, and i for one , love that!

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I am always here for you, mostly lurking, but always here Missy. Keep writing and staying sober. Your answers will come as you grow more comfortable within. There is no wrong answer for who you are.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Being bi is 100% valid, beautiful, and healthy!!! I’m gay but my boyfriend is bi and I have lots of other friends (of all genders) who identify as bi or pan. From my limited experience at least, it seems like the bi community has received a lot of biphobia from straight people and even other LGBTQ people (for example, people that are 100% gay like me), but it seems like that issue is getting better lately and I hope it continues to! Embrace yourself, for you are awesome, and I wish you the best as you continue in this journey! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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