I’ve been here before.
Around 2 months sober.
59 days, to be exact.
And it’s a dangerous place for me.
A precipice, if you will.
I’ve walked along this hazardous cliff before. It’s unsure footing, inundated with emotions and sensory overload because the fogginess of my alcoholic mind is no longer feeling the physical effects (or is it affects? No, I’m pretty sure it’s effects, so I’m rolling with it) that alcohol has on my mind. It’s clear and exposed. Yes, exposed. Much like you are when you’re on a class 3 or class 4 mountain (that’s for the mountaineers in the crowd) and trying to maintain the required balance to stay alive.
And that is what I’m doing – staying alive. Because, for me, I truly believe to drink is to die. I was killing myself 60 days ago. And now, 59 days into sobriety, I’m feeling again. The past few days were a struggle, and yesterday was better. Even this morning was better. But I can feel it. I can feel the danger pulling at me as the stresses and worries of my life are right there clawing for me to take a wrong step and topple down the cliffside of my alcoholism.
But, I’m using my safety gear too. I’m using the lifelines available to me. I’m attending as many AA meetings as I can, calling my sponsor daily, praying every morning, writing as I read. I’m handing my life and my will over to God and I’m preparing to take the 4th Step in the AA 12-Step program. It’s the one where I get to open up all of the wounds inside my soul and pray that God can fix it all, because I can only do what I can do and it’s my trust in a Higher Power that will allow me to be exposed like this. Exposed, walking along the edge of a cliff. But the path is necessary. I have to do it.
I can no longer sit back and hope against hope that I’ll ever save myself. No, there is no amount of expertise or will power to climb back up the cliffside, if I fall. It’s time to hand myself over to that Higher Power and allow Him to guide me through the work I must do to get across this path to safety. But I can feel it.
Oh God, can I feel how scary it is down there. I can feel the wind pushing me towards the edge, but I am closing my eyes and allowing the warmth of the sun to shine upon my face and renew my energy to take another step. The step towards something better than the swirling darkness below.
Take me God.
I am yours. I am yours to mold. I am yours to do with me as you will. I trust that you can free me from the chains of my ego. I trust that you can make my difficulties in life manageable. I trust you to make me an instrument of your power, your love and your way of life. I trust that any victories I feel are a testament to you. I trust you can release me from my will so I do not interfere with your will.
Bring me home God, bring me back from this. I trust you.