Pain…

I’m working on my 4th Step from the Alcoholics Anonymous program.

It’s painful.

For those who do not know, it’s an accounting process of every resentment you feel and addressing those resentments. That’s the short version of it. What you’re not told is the pain, anger, gnashing of teeth you go through as you begin to recall those things that you’ve tried to bury and when you couldn’t you drank alcohol to the point you couldn’t feel what you were trying to suppress.

That’s what I’m going through.

Resentments suck. And I’ve been lying to myself for years and years, believing I handle my anger well. The truth of the matter is that I have learned not to react to my anger. I’ve learned to not act out when I am facing the things in life that disturb me. The problem is that I left these issues unaddressed and it’s because I do not like feeling uncomfortable. So, this accounting of my resentments is akin to yanking my nerves right out of me. I am getting hung up on them for sure. I stop when the frustration gets too much, but I keep going back. So far, I have only listed two resentments and the causes for those resentments. I have also listed how those resentments have affected me. This is the furthest I have ever gone on trying to really address these things. But I am encouraged to keep going – even in spite of the fact that one of my resentments is a current one that is ongoing.

I am on a bit of an emotional roller coaster right now and I’m trying to remain in the present moment, but it is so difficult. Life is happening around me and there are so many things happening and I can’t stop any of it, so I’m trying to stay focused on working this 4th Step, praying every morning and attending meetings as I can.

And I take a deep breath and I keep moving towards more sobriety…