I’m working on my 4th Step from the Alcoholics Anonymous program.

It’s painful.

For those who do not know, it’s an accounting process of every resentment you feel and addressing those resentments. That’s the short version of it. What you’re not told is the pain, anger, gnashing of teeth you go through as you begin to recall those things that you’ve tried to bury and when you couldn’t you drank alcohol to the point you couldn’t feel what you were trying to suppress.

That’s what I’m going through.

Resentments suck. And I’ve been lying to myself for years and years, believing I handle my anger well. The truth of the matter is that I have learned not to react to my anger. I’ve learned to not act out when I am facing the things in life that disturb me. The problem is that I left these issues unaddressed and it’s because I do not like feeling uncomfortable. So, this accounting of my resentments is akin to yanking my nerves right out of me. I am getting hung up on them for sure. I stop when the frustration gets too much, but I keep going back. So far, I have only listed two resentments and the causes for those resentments. I have also listed how those resentments have affected me. This is the furthest I have ever gone on trying to really address these things. But I am encouraged to keep going – even in spite of the fact that one of my resentments is a current one that is ongoing.

I am on a bit of an emotional roller coaster right now and I’m trying to remain in the present moment, but it is so difficult. Life is happening around me and there are so many things happening and I can’t stop any of it, so I’m trying to stay focused on working this 4th Step, praying every morning and attending meetings as I can.

And I take a deep breath and I keep moving towards more sobriety…

24 thoughts on “Pain…

  1. Keep it simple. I know it’s easier said than done but when you think about it, you are doing this step so that those emotions do not surface again. Sure maybe they will in another situation but once you have dealt with the extreme of emotions you are able to feel your way through them next time. It is uncomfortable but possible. Don’t let today stand in the way. Dive into your past resentments until they are resolved. You can’t stay present when you are stuck in the past. You can do it. Be patient with yourself but do it. Don’t make it easy. You remember and survive the hard. I believe in you.

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  2. “I do not like feeling uncomfortable.” That is such a universal feeling! It kept me from doing the hard work of the fourth step for years. You are a superhero for loving yourself through this. I hope you’re impressed with yourself. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. well, the cliche is that all growth comes from pain. I tend to agree but i surely hate every minute of it. Doing that step is really kind to yourself throughout it and take needed breaks ( hate sounding typical but it’s the best i can do..and that’s all anyone should expect of themselves)..hugs and xoxox

    Liked by 2 people

  4. “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

    This takes courage, something we always thought we lacked throughout our lives. We were wrong. Who, but a courageous individual, could have walked though hell, recognized their shortcomings and reached out to another for help.

    The only way out is to walk through.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. All those clichés of ODAAT; keep going – you’re doing well; growth is hard; feeling all the feels is hard;… but they are all true Hun. You have made so much progress, just sit and look how far you’ve come and take courage from that. I know you have a group of virtual cheer leaders supporting you. So proud of you x

    Liked by 1 person

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