I haven’t written in a while.
I’ve been busy, pre-occupied, stressed, optimistic, fearful, tired, hopeful, etc. I’m a mixed bag of emotions, honestly. But I felt the need to give an update to how my life is going. I won’t lie, I am in the midst of the most difficult struggle of my life. It feels worse than my brother’s suicide over 20 years ago. It feels worse than the one and only time I had ever been arrested (I’m not sharing details of that today, but that is an incident that is even older than my brother’s passing). It feels worse that the struggles in my relationships (and trust me, some of those have been pretty gut-wrenching). It feels worse than the few times I contemplated and even took steps towards committing suicide. It feels like the worst emotional degradations I have felt are all wrapped up in one huge snowball rolling down a hill and getting bigger and bigger as it rolls faster and faster. In fact, I have even trudged the emotional consideration of taking my own life again. I even set a date – It was going to be June 30th. I tweeted something about it – the proverbial cry for help.
People began reaching out to me. They began the inevitable process of trying to get me to reconsider. I received so much support – like I always do when I give a virtual scream for help. A scream I seem to put out into the World Wide Web on too regular of a basis. I’ve never liked the emotional side of me. Truthfully, it’s not even something I demonstrate in my so-called real life very well. But online, it seems like the full power of my emotional outbursts are on display. I whine, cry, bitch, complain and issue every bit of negative and cancerous mental seepage that I know originate from the dreaded Hilda. I also know that it is my alcoholism (which I attribute to Hilda, as well) in a full fight to take my sobriety (I truly hate this dis-ease).
But, truthfully, I’m thankful for Twitter – the place where I have 99% of my emotions on full display. I have girlfriends on there that are so supportive. These are the kinds of girlfriends I imagine I would have if I were a girl too. I’ve often wanted that kind of thing – to have a group of girlfriends that considered me one of them. I don’t know why, but it is how I have found some comfort in dealing with my struggles. I often times, hope that this is where I can truly find my way.
But what are my struggles? They’re the same. Mostly financial. But also my marriage. But my health has gotten a lot better.
I am going to lose my home. Due to the several job losses I’ve had the past five or six years, my financial situation has never restored to what it was when I was working in oil & gas. My last job loss had me out of work almost 4 months before I got a gig working as a substitute math teacher for a local high school. It wasn’t enough money at the time to save my house, but due to the executive actions that allowed home owners and renters to avoid evictions for not paying their rents or mortgages, I was able to put my home on a forbearance with the mortgage company. I took advantage of it and that will be coming to an end at the end of June. Unfortunately, the job I have now pays one third of what I used to earn. I can’t pay the mortgage when it begins again July 1st. Even losing the home, I’m not sure how to cover rent just yet, if I have to move. And, I’m not even sure where to begin about my marriage. We keep trying, but somedays are harder than others. Sometimes, I truly wish I were born female and found a husband instead of a wife. But, life happens the way it happens. We both love each other and we keep finding a way to make things last, but sometimes I ponder if our efforts are too much. Maybe this isn’t how things are supposed to be.
My health seems to be my only success right now. I am almost 30 pounds down in my weight loss goal. I’m eating healthy and drinking plenty of water. I have some goals in mind and I am working towards those goals. Maybe I’ll share more about those later. But the major thing that is a success is the fact that I am maintaining my sobriety…
…let me correct that. God, is maintaining my sobriety. I keep praying – imperfectly, mind you – and trying to take myself out of the way. I’m attempting surrender on an ongoing basis and it seems to be working. I haven’t had a drink since Christmas Eve – 136 days. It hasn’t been easy. It’s been hard. It’s been a struggle. I haven’t even gotten very far on the steps, but I’m allowing my recovery to develop the way it needs to develop. This isn’t my show to run, it’s God’s show to run. And I’m inviting Stephanie to speak to me much more than Hilda. It’s my job and my choice to allow it to happen the way it needs to.
Oh my gosh…as I write this, tears are starting to flow.
I’m just thankful. Grateful. Hopeful.
And maybe, something will change.