The second I said those words (the title of this post), I knew I regretted it. The full sentence I said was, “Our marriage is the icing on the shit cake of my life.” It was mean, hateful, cruel and not the truth. The reality is that I was hurting from so much at the moment I said that. I was angry about another argument, that seemed to culminate all of the fear and emotional pain of the week.
I am facing my worst fear: complete financial failure. Not the potential loss of my marriage. Sadly, that isn’t the thing that scares me the most. Or maybe it is, and I can’t be honest with myself and avoid the consequences of that pain too.
I really don’t know anymore.
In fact, I don’t really know my head from my ass anymore. I’ve been applying for jobs in complete desperation. Watching my wife quit job after job she is given. I can’t find the six figure income I once had. The past five years has seen my 401(k) depleted, my life’s saving’s depleted. A massive increase in my debt and job loss after job loss. I have watched so many former colleagues go on and make it into success while I thrash around like a fish out of water. Approaching 49 years old in a few months, and I’m about to lose my house too.
I am in complete failure and success seems like it’s never going to happen again.
And I drank.
Yes, I had almost 5 months of sobriety. I hadn’t had anything to drink since since last Christmas Eve. This was the longest I’ve gone without drinking in the past 10 years. Truthfully, I haven’t been stupid drunk during most of that time, but I had certainly medicated my emotional pain quite well (…or not, really…) for a long time. And Thursday had me feeling in total disarray. I gave up.
I went to a local Old Chicago. They even have a stein with my name on it, and everyone there knows me on sight. I went in there and ordered my stein – a whopping 24 ounces worth of beer. And I ordered an IPA. Downed it. Ordered another and downed it too. Then I decided I was acting like a complete pussy. I decided I needed to leave. So, I paid my tab and left.
I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Own my shit? That’s never been a problem. I’m pretty good at admitting my faults. It’s been my norm to criticize the shit out of myself. But I know, deep down, that I just want to have a good life. And I feel like everything out of my control is preventing that. I have no retirement. I have no legacy to leave my kids. I have over $400,000 in debt that would have been difficult to pay off with a 6 figure income. But now? Now, I’m going to have to sell my house.
But I’m sick of being negative. But I’m also sick of “trusting the process” – a process I’ve ignored since the end of February. I feel like I need to make decisions now. I can’t wait and just watch shit happen to me. I know it’s the control issue I can’t let go. I don’t know how to surrender and turn anything over to God. How do I trust? How do I live with myself being this kind of failure? I managed my life, fucking horribly.
And I’m beginning to think I’ve been focusing on things that should have never been as important as managing life. I mean, seriously, who the fuck cares that I’ve sucked dick before? Anyone? It’s all bullshit to worry about shit. And I feel like I’ve made my sexuality more important than it ever needed to be. I mean, what the fuck is more important than making sure you handle your personal finances in a responsible manner? What the fuck is more important than to handle current relationships for the current moment? What the fuck is more important than living a healthy life and not making decisions that negatively impact your well being?
Where the fuck did I go wrong?
And more importantly, how the fuck do I get the mule out of the mother fucking ditch?
I’m tired of wallowing in self-pity. I’m pissed off. I want to fucking change the trajectory of my life. I want to flush the shit cake down the toilet and be done with it all.
How do I get there?
New sobriety: 6:30 pm 05/20/2021.