“The Icing on the Shit Cake of My Life…”

The second I said those words (the title of this post), I knew I regretted it. The full sentence I said was, “Our marriage is the icing on the shit cake of my life.” It was mean, hateful, cruel and not the truth. The reality is that I was hurting from so much at the moment I said that. I was angry about another argument, that seemed to culminate all of the fear and emotional pain of the week.

I am facing my worst fear: complete financial failure. Not the potential loss of my marriage. Sadly, that isn’t the thing that scares me the most. Or maybe it is, and I can’t be honest with myself and avoid the consequences of that pain too.

I really don’t know anymore.

In fact, I don’t really know my head from my ass anymore. I’ve been applying for jobs in complete desperation. Watching my wife quit job after job she is given. I can’t find the six figure income I once had. The past five years has seen my 401(k) depleted, my life’s saving’s depleted. A massive increase in my debt and job loss after job loss. I have watched so many former colleagues go on and make it into success while I thrash around like a fish out of water. Approaching 49 years old in a few months, and I’m about to lose my house too.

I am in complete failure and success seems like it’s never going to happen again.

And I drank.

Yes, I had almost 5 months of sobriety. I hadn’t had anything to drink since since last Christmas Eve. This was the longest I’ve gone without drinking in the past 10 years. Truthfully, I haven’t been stupid drunk during most of that time, but I had certainly medicated my emotional pain quite well (…or not, really…) for a long time. And Thursday had me feeling in total disarray. I gave up.

I went to a local Old Chicago. They even have a stein with my name on it, and everyone there knows me on sight. I went in there and ordered my stein – a whopping 24 ounces worth of beer. And I ordered an IPA. Downed it. Ordered another and downed it too. Then I decided I was acting like a complete pussy. I decided I needed to leave. So, I paid my tab and left.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Own my shit? That’s never been a problem. I’m pretty good at admitting my faults. It’s been my norm to criticize the shit out of myself. But I know, deep down, that I just want to have a good life. And I feel like everything out of my control is preventing that. I have no retirement. I have no legacy to leave my kids. I have over $400,000 in debt that would have been difficult to pay off with a 6 figure income. But now? Now, I’m going to have to sell my house.

But I’m sick of being negative. But I’m also sick of “trusting the process” – a process I’ve ignored since the end of February. I feel like I need to make decisions now. I can’t wait and just watch shit happen to me. I know it’s the control issue I can’t let go. I don’t know how to surrender and turn anything over to God. How do I trust? How do I live with myself being this kind of failure? I managed my life, fucking horribly.

And I’m beginning to think I’ve been focusing on things that should have never been as important as managing life. I mean, seriously, who the fuck cares that I’ve sucked dick before? Anyone? It’s all bullshit to worry about shit. And I feel like I’ve made my sexuality more important than it ever needed to be. I mean, what the fuck is more important than making sure you handle your personal finances in a responsible manner? What the fuck is more important than to handle current relationships for the current moment? What the fuck is more important than living a healthy life and not making decisions that negatively impact your well being?

Where the fuck did I go wrong?

And more importantly, how the fuck do I get the mule out of the mother fucking ditch?

I’m tired of wallowing in self-pity. I’m pissed off. I want to fucking change the trajectory of my life. I want to flush the shit cake down the toilet and be done with it all.

How do I get there?

New sobriety: 6:30 pm 05/20/2021.

11 thoughts on ““The Icing on the Shit Cake of My Life…”

  1. Keep going to meetings regularly ( even virtually, no excuses). Talk to your sponsor every day. Do your step work every day. Has your ass fallen off yet? No? Then you’re still good.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s good you laid it all out here.
    You need help. Sober support and financial direction.
    Go to meetings. Call your back. Find a credit counsellor and make a plan.
    Pretending it isn’t happening won’t work.

    If this is it for your marriage, address that too. Your wife is not your responsibility, nor are you hers. If you want to have a different life, and you can do whatever you want, be honest. Get the divorce.

    Yes, you probably do spend too much time in uncertainty and regret. Most of us do. Learning to leave the past behind and build the present we want is a skill.

    Ask for help all around. You deserve it.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

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