S.A.R.D. #28 – Pride? A passing thought on a first date…

WARNINGI’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and will be thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences.

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The internet was still new. Online dating wasn’t even a catch phrase yet, but the avenue to find someone to connect with anonymously had developed beyond phone ads or personals ads in the newspaper. I had visited one of these online dating personals ads once (okay, why minimize it…I was lonely and looking…a lot), and had posted an ad for dating. I had mentioned some things I had been going through and tried connecting to some women that seemed interesting, but nothing seemed to pan out beyond a couple of emails.

Then one day I had someone contact me based on my ad. The person seemed genuinely interested and chatted me up pretty easily via email. We seemed to have a little chemistry, but something seemed different about this woman who reached out. So, eventually, I asked the infamous “a/s/l?” question…

He was 27 and from Denver.

I was somewhat flabbergasted, because I certainly assumed I put my gender and sexual preference in my add. I should have guessed he was a he and not a she, because there is just something about the word usage of men versus the word usage of women that tend to be different (I know this first hand, since so many people assume I’m female when speaking with me online…something I really like, actually). I went back and looked and it said I was a male looking for women. So, I assumed it was implied. I didn’t respond at first. I couldn’t even admit to myself that I had same sex attractions, let alone advertise it online looking for a connection with another man. I did realize I had some same sex interactions, but the thought of actually owning my sexuality with another human being interested in me seemed daunting. So, I ignored the email…

He sent another one…

Fuck…how can I avoid him? I thought.

I didn’t avoid him. Though my memory fails me now, his email said something like, “I’m sorry if I offended you, but I really like our conversation and if you’re okay with me being a guy, I’d like to keep talking.” I replied, because I felt my heart racing that I liked the attention I was receiving – even if I never have actually dated a guy before. So, I sent something back like, “I’m a little surprised, but I’m open…” So, we exchanged some more emails before actually meeting.

I’m not going to relive the entire date I had with this man, but I had a memory of it today. I mentioned this date before in my blog – here and here (probably other places within my blog too, but I can’t find them now). But the date, ultimately, culminated me sharing my very first romantic kiss with a guy – not to mention how I ran away scared like a virgin on her prom night. But there is a reason I’m mentioning it because this morning I was driving near the college I attended and the bar he and I met at to have a drink was right along my drive. The memory hit me, the regret hit me, the possible loss of a love I never had hit me. IT was so many years ago and I have so many regrets about not living my life the way I needed to, rather than the way I “should”. And it hit me, not for the sheer memory, but also because it’s Pride Month and this memory kinda coincides with my feelings about Pride

3 thoughts on “S.A.R.D. #28 – Pride? A passing thought on a first date…

  1. One of the things that drives some bi guys insane is all of the opportunities they let go past them and more so when, as I like to say, they showed up late to the party. It seems that only then can they accurately remember every opportunity they had to take the plunge back then and it just didn’t happen and, sometimes, they knew that something should have happened.

    It tends to invoke a lot of regret in a lot of guys and they get all into that “If I knew then what I know now” stuff and I’ll tell them that things happen when they’re supposed to, that and it’s not doing them any good to feel regret over something that didn’t happen or they now know they just flat out missed. You cannot ever change what has already happened… even if nothing happened. You sigh, entertain some thoughts about what you should have done, shrug, and return to the here and now and, perhaps, with a “commitment” to not let other opportunities go by the wayside or to not repeat a past mistake… like letting their fears get the best of them and hauling ass.

    It’s okay – it happens. It doesn’t matter what you should have done back then; what does matter is if you are faced with a similar situation tomorrow, what are you gonna do? Sigh. Like I said, I’ve seen and known a lot of guys who have kicked their own asses over something they should have done “back in the day” but they didn’t. Or they started and couldn’t finish or they got a serious case of very cold feet. I have a whole lot of such failures and they used to bug the shit out of me until I realized that it served no purpose to kick my own ass over something that happened and there’s nothing I can do about it now… except to not let too many more opportunities get away from me. Sometimes they do; shit always happens and when you don’t want it to happen or, yeah, shit doesn’t happen when you want it to.

    You sigh, shake your head, spend a moment thinking about how glorious it would have been… and keep moving forward because if you stay stuck in your past, that’s not a good place to be and more so when living there will always make you second-guess yourself in the here and now.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I do know. There’s what you “have” to do and are expected to do… but we’re not really limited to this given how we’re also expected to live our lives to the fullest extent possible. There will always be “regrets” over things not done but that never means there won’t be other opportunities to do them… unless you manage to convince yourself that you can’t.

        Liked by 1 person

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