A Dark Mindset

“You are in such a dark mindset” were the words my friend on Twitter said to me.

She’s right.

I am in a dark mindset. It’s sort of been my thing the past five years. I kind of feel like I no longer know how to be positive. How can I possibly find happiness as I watch my entire life implode, financially? I’m starting to accept that I will never be where I once was – successfully, planning my future. I’ve mentioned before, but I am almost $500,000 in debt – Mortgage and student loans are the predominant part of that. I have no savings anymore, no retirement fund, no investments and the only asset I have is my dilapidated house – a house that is in need of $100,000 in renovations and repairs to make it as marketable as other houses in the area.

We considered selling the house as is and moving into an apartment, but it would basically mean never owning a home again. We would have ended up with almost all of our debts paid (excluding student loans) and have approximately $10,000 in our pockets at the end of it. We would also live in shitty apartments that would cost us slightly more in monthly rent than our current mortgage payment. So, we decided to keep the house.

Back in April, I sold my piece of shit car because I didn’t have the money to get repairs. I can’t buy another car, because I can’t afford it and my credit completely sucks. My wife and I share her car – she gives me a ride to my job every morning and when I get off work, I wait for 90 minutes until she can come pick me up after working at her job. It makes for a 12-hour day from the time I leave in the morning until the time I get back. And speaking of jobs, I haven’t found a decent job, since I was laid off from my career six years ago. I have had so many job changes in the past six years, I feel like no one wants to hire me anymore. And this past 6 months, my wife has had job losses too. It’s made for a tough financial situation.

I won’t lie…

I’m losing hope.

I can’t imagine being able to live like this much longer. Something has to give. We have cut back on so much, we are barely making it.

I just need one break, once chance to get ahead. And I need to find some chance of being able to succeed again. Everyone….literally everyone of my colleagues from my former career are making it. No one responds to me when I reach out. It’s like I’m some sort of plague or something and I have no idea what I did wrong.

Okay…now I feel like shit just writing this.

I’m bawling like a cry baby.

Fuck this life.

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