WARNING: I’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and will be thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences.
Lately, my mood has been sour and gloomy and dark. In typical fashion, a lot of people are telling me I should love myself a little more. But, also in typical fashion, my brain is twisted and it made me thing of self-love in a sexual way – ya know, the masturbatory way. So, this post in my Sexual and Relationship Development series is dedicated to masturbation and might have a somewhat twisted look at how I have engaged in self-love that wasn’t necessarily the same way others have done it. Being bisexual, I have done things that I’m quite sure other guys have not done, but I’ll get to that a little later in the post.
I’m not sure when other people first begin exploring their own bodies, but I would say mine began sometime when I was really young – unfortunately, I think it had a lot to do with having been molested as a child. I remember when I came out as bisexual to my mother a little over a year ago, I had expressed that I was confused about my sexuality because of having been molested. At the time, she indicated that she was aware, because I was “playing with myself” a lot afterwards. She had expressed that my dad and her had tried their best to discourage me from that and I think at that time, mental health wasn’t really a thing, so there wasn’t this understanding what to do for me. But I was little – like 5 years old. I suppose, it wasn’t until I hit 5th or 6th grade that I began doing it for myself as a sense of self-pleasure.
I think, most of my masturbation at that age, surrounded a few girls I liked. But there were also guys I liked. In fact, I remember one time, I had a friend that he and I would call each other on the phone, just to listen to the other jerk-off. Looking back, at the time, I would have been utterly embarrassed if anyone would have caught me. Now, as I approach my 49th birthday, I think “Eh…it is what it is” and move on from it. As I grew a little older, my masturbation techniques would change. I would dry hump my bed, a pillow, or simply use my hand.
I have this weird thing about sperm though…I don’t like it. So, when I was a teenager, I would wrap my penis with a plastic sandwich bag, so I wouldn’t get any on my hands. I would ejaculate in the bag and flush it down the toilet. That is, until one time, I clogged the toilet. My dad was not happy having to pull it out of the toilet and asked me if I threw it in there. Obviously, I didn’t admit to jerking off, but I lied and told him it was from a sandwich I had (yeah, a sausage sandwich…) and never did that again.
But, here’s the thing. I’m bisexual. And part of my sexuality involves anal sex. Sometimes (though, not always), I like it back there. And sometimes, I would find ways to simulate a penis going inside of me, to fantasize about having sex with a guy. I began using my own finger, and I would lightly touch myself and insert it. But I progressed from that, and here is where I might have been risking serious injury to myself. You, see, I also wanted to simulate riding a guy and I would take those plastic baggies I mentioned above and put them on the end of a plunger and try and sit on a plunger to try and grasp the experience of what it would have been like to ride a man. After a couple of times, however, I realized I would seriously hurt myself, if I were to get weak in the knees after an orgasm or something, so I stopped.
But my anal self-exploration didn’t stop with that realization. No, I found other ways. Okay…this might sound really weird, but after my parent’s divorce, I was living with my mom for a bit and I found her vibrator. At this time, I was an adult, and had my own condoms. So, while she was at work, I would get her vibrator, slip a condom on it, lay down on my bed with my knees up by my chest and in the vibrator would go. And it was intense. I enjoyed it a lot. Sometimes, even more than jerking off. I mean, it is what it is.
Later in life, I went back to “normal” masturbation, but there were occasional self-love situations with dildos too. But as I got older and had more serious relationships, the interest in those things began to subside. In fact, now, I can’t even remember the last time I did it…either normal or otherwise.
(Oddly enough, this post sort of broke my sour mood from earlier…)