Honestly, I hate providing updates, but it feels like that’s the only way I have any interaction on my blog anymore. I remember about 9 years ago, when I first began blogging about myself, I was on almost daily – sometimes three or four posts per day. Obviously, I squashed a couple of blogs before initiating this one, but I haven’t been able to really post as often as I liked. Truthfully, I have been in a bit of a survival more lately – I indicated in a previous post that I am in a dire situation right now. So, I have been focused on trying to stay alive, rather than blogging.
Last month was extremely difficult and this month is beginning to look like we are going to struggle again – although it is better, we are still needing to fight. My wife and I have been using her car to try and make ends meet. On weekends and a couple of evenings per week, we are using her car to Door Dash to make a little extra cash. It’s helped, but now there is something wrong with her car and our vehicle registration is expired. I’m honestly stuck, but I know our combined income needs to be increased a minimum of $700 per month to just pay our bills, but I would like to increase it about $2,000 per month in order to help us climb out of debt and begin saving for retirement again.
I just turned 49 years old – 2 days ago on the 31st – and it feels like job searching for a good paying job is so tough. I can’t tell, but it sure feels like I get turned down for jobs I know I can do for no other reason than my age. I even have been applying at places like McDonald’s for part time work to compensate for what we are short. I’ve never been afraid of working and have always embraced the idea that hard work pays off – even if my situations seems overwhelming.
I’m continuing to apply for better jobs, however, and setting up interviews as they come. Last night I had a phone interview for someplace I believe would be a good job. It has the benefit of increasing my income by about $4,000 annually, but is a commute that makes it difficult for me without a car (but doable). I also have an interview this afternoon (3 hours long, with 6 different people) for a really decent company doing some work I enjoy. The major drawback to this one is it is a grave yard shift, but the pay would increase my annual income by about $12,000 per year – easily surpassing what my wife and I need to survive. But I see potential here to progress in a career.
My wife and I are also in a place where we hate working for others and would love to be our own independent bosses, but we don’t want to be involved in any stupid Multi-level Marketing Schemes either. But it seems like having absolutely no financial resources makes owning your own business an impossibility. But it doesn’t negate our desires to try anyways. We are simply exploring and trying to come up with ideas.
On another front, I am making another attempt at sobriety. I began on my birthday, two days ago, and am currently three days into it. I know from my Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, previously, that alcoholism rests in the mind and not the drink itself. The drink is merely the symptom. I believe that to my core – especially based on the mindset I had in the linked post above. Honestly, when I drink, it’s usually not done with the intention of getting drunk, but it is a self-medicating issue for me. I use it to ease my discomfort and emotional pain – a dis-ease, if you will. I want this. Truly. I want to get rid of that desire to drink. I know that it comes from a sense of developing a spiritual pathway.
Speaking of spiritual pathway, my wife has also asked me to return to weekly mass. You see, although I’m bisexual, I was raised catholic. I’ve discussed in previous posts that I have no animosity towards the faith of my upbringing. I have no regrets about being catholic, other than the idea that if I had not married a woman, I might have been in a long term relationship with a man. These are simply things I do not know. I have gotten to a point in my life, where I no longer despise myself for having been intimate with other guys. Knowing full well, that any sexual activity outside of marriage between a man and a woman is a sin, I also know that sin can be forgiven. I’ll never understand, I guess, the entirety of God or His/Her plan for the world, but I have found comfort at times in praying my Rosary, and I have always been enthralled by Catholic traditions and practices. So, I am considering going to confession again and going back to mass with my wife. But I won’t lie, I still struggle with my relationship with God. And maybe, that is the point of making sure I stay involved in that relationship…I simply do not know.
But for today, I have enough to worry about and today, I’ll remain sober, I’ll go to my interview, and I’ll do my best to make things work. Everything else, I’ll continue to look for a way to allow God to do what She/He needs to do…