So, I found a job…and other stuff.

To say the last few months have been hell would be an immeasurable understatement. I’m not going to link any of the previous posts I had on this subject, because all it will do is remind me how miserable I had become. But today, I am certainly singing a much happier tune. You see, I found a job. And it’s a respectable and decent job. I accepted a position with a chemical manufacturing company as a Quality Control Chemist.

I am already discovering all of the plusses and minuses of the job, and I can say that all of the plusses are exterior to myself – i.e. I’m grateful for the pay, grateful for the benefits, grateful for the work environment, thankful for finding a desire to go to work, the possibility of other opportunities, etc. The minuses are all interior – I am very self-critical, as you are aware. I’m doing analytical testing and part of the reason I finished my degree in Chemical Engineering instead of Chemistry is because my laboratory skills suck. It’s no joke; anyone that is a chemist would know exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about how I had to make standard solutions and my use of a syringe, analytical balance, volumetric flask and all other tools of the trade were questionable. And it has been years since I’ve had to by hyper vigilante and meticulous in weighing, measuring and trying to reduce the introduction of impurities into my solutions. Hell, I even had something wrong by two orders of magnitude.


But, I am trying to refine myself. I’m trying to master things I haven’t done in many years. Speaking of years, I’m also like 20 years older than most of the people I work with in this laboratory. But I was hired because the director of the department is hoping for some “maturity”…(I’m as old as she is, so there!). Additionally, I’m using equipment now that I haven’t used since college or have never used. So, I have a lot of self-doubt and lack of confidence trying to attack me, but I recognize it is nothing more than the inner voice I have named Hilda. I’m doing what I can to keep my anxious, worrying, magically self-critical mind at bay. I’m trying to maintain Stephanie within my mind (she is that positive and loving inner voice I have ignored for far too long) – It seems to be working.

Financially, I’ve still got some challenges to overcome. I have been behind on so many bills for so long, that I am continuing to do some side hustles that will help keep me going. I am about $1000 short on this month’s budget and about $1000 short on next month, but come December, things start evening out and I am looking forward to a stable and financially positive new year in January. I am also in the process of getting a refinance on a car to lower the payment, purchasing another car to make sure I get to and from work, as well as applying for a loan to consolidate some debt and have a lower payment (one payment in lieu of several) with lower interest rate. So, there are some good things happening.

I wish I could say that I have stopped drinking. I haven’t. I’m not getting drunk or drinking until I can sleep or anything like that. I suppose, one might call it “controlled drinking”. I have been averaging a couple of beers in one sitting about once per week. I feel…I dunno…weird about it. Maybe it’s that whole “Head full of AA and stomach full of booze” thing that I’ve heard. I dunno. I do feel guilty about it, because I know when I’ve had those couple of beers, it’s because I felt stress or anxiety and felt the need to relax my mind or relax my thinking. So, it seems medicinal to me, on some level. I just tend to feel so out of place in AA or other recovery groups because I haven’t had the life shattering experiences as others – almost like I haven’t “earned my seat” or anything like that. I dunno…just something I feel weird about and can’t quite put my finger on it.

There are other things I want to talk about, so hopefully I can spend a little more time blogging now that I am in a better place, but for now, I have to go work my side-gig and continue to work towards my goals…

Thank you to any of my readers that are still with me, I appreciate you and love you all for the support, encouragement and interaction. ❤

9 thoughts on “So, I found a job…and other stuff.

  1. Congratulations on the job.
    Give yourself some time to learn. I can’t imagine trying to remember anything from my labs 25 years ago! I worked in one in an asphalt plant as a student and I’m sure I was a poor employee!

    Consider listening to some online AA meetings. I actually find the opposite. Most people are just regular over drinkers. There are a few stories that include car accidents and job losses, but more are like me. No visible bottom, just enough anxiety, self hatred and guilt to convince me to stop.
    I have never been a big AA er, but I liked the common mindset and ninety there.

    If you truly don’t want to stop try to keep it to the weekend. Don’t let it impact your current progress.

    Take care!


    Liked by 2 people

    1. Anne,

      I have always appreciated your insight and advice. I think for me, a lot of the AA stuff felt like more burdens on top of all of the other burdens I had been feelings. Certainly, the anxiety is huge – I felt it last night and couldn’t sleep. I didn’t drink though, so I suppose that is a good thing.

      My job is good. I never planned on being in a lab as a career, but I’m not complaining because it is a job and I am hoping it brings about other opportunities.

      Thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. glad to hear from sounds like you are doing much better and thats wonderful…keep going:) i just refinanced my house and got a newer car , as well as paid off some debt kind of on the same page..with the drinking its been pretty stable..drink only once every few weeks and limit it to a 6 pack still makes me anxious when i do and i dont really enjoy it much so getting more to a point that its a waste of money really and puts my nutrition in a bad way- not to mention feeling like crap the day or two after. Maybe it’s getting older , or maybe it’s because i am working out and such..whatever it is, i’m good with it and i hope you find a balance as well:) hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It really sounds like you’ve reached a good place. Having a job that provides what you identify as external rewards can also translate into internal rewards when you’re not worrying about money. Wishing you well in this new endeavor.

    Liked by 2 people

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