To say the last few months have been hell would be an immeasurable understatement. I’m not going to link any of the previous posts I had on this subject, because all it will do is remind me how miserable I had become. But today, I am certainly singing a much happier tune. You see, I found a job. And it’s a respectable and decent job. I accepted a position with a chemical manufacturing company as a Quality Control Chemist.
I am already discovering all of the plusses and minuses of the job, and I can say that all of the plusses are exterior to myself – i.e. I’m grateful for the pay, grateful for the benefits, grateful for the work environment, thankful for finding a desire to go to work, the possibility of other opportunities, etc. The minuses are all interior – I am very self-critical, as you are aware. I’m doing analytical testing and part of the reason I finished my degree in Chemical Engineering instead of Chemistry is because my laboratory skills suck. It’s no joke; anyone that is a chemist would know exactly what I’m talking about when I talk about how I had to make standard solutions and my use of a syringe, analytical balance, volumetric flask and all other tools of the trade were questionable. And it has been years since I’ve had to by hyper vigilante and meticulous in weighing, measuring and trying to reduce the introduction of impurities into my solutions. Hell, I even had something wrong by two orders of magnitude.
But, I am trying to refine myself. I’m trying to master things I haven’t done in many years. Speaking of years, I’m also like 20 years older than most of the people I work with in this laboratory. But I was hired because the director of the department is hoping for some “maturity”…(I’m as old as she is, so there!). Additionally, I’m using equipment now that I haven’t used since college or have never used. So, I have a lot of self-doubt and lack of confidence trying to attack me, but I recognize it is nothing more than the inner voice I have named Hilda. I’m doing what I can to keep my anxious, worrying, magically self-critical mind at bay. I’m trying to maintain Stephanie within my mind (she is that positive and loving inner voice I have ignored for far too long) – It seems to be working.
Financially, I’ve still got some challenges to overcome. I have been behind on so many bills for so long, that I am continuing to do some side hustles that will help keep me going. I am about $1000 short on this month’s budget and about $1000 short on next month, but come December, things start evening out and I am looking forward to a stable and financially positive new year in January. I am also in the process of getting a refinance on a car to lower the payment, purchasing another car to make sure I get to and from work, as well as applying for a loan to consolidate some debt and have a lower payment (one payment in lieu of several) with lower interest rate. So, there are some good things happening.
I wish I could say that I have stopped drinking. I haven’t. I’m not getting drunk or drinking until I can sleep or anything like that. I suppose, one might call it “controlled drinking”. I have been averaging a couple of beers in one sitting about once per week. I feel…I dunno…weird about it. Maybe it’s that whole “Head full of AA and stomach full of booze” thing that I’ve heard. I dunno. I do feel guilty about it, because I know when I’ve had those couple of beers, it’s because I felt stress or anxiety and felt the need to relax my mind or relax my thinking. So, it seems medicinal to me, on some level. I just tend to feel so out of place in AA or other recovery groups because I haven’t had the life shattering experiences as others – almost like I haven’t “earned my seat” or anything like that. I dunno…just something I feel weird about and can’t quite put my finger on it.
There are other things I want to talk about, so hopefully I can spend a little more time blogging now that I am in a better place, but for now, I have to go work my side-gig and continue to work towards my goals…
Thank you to any of my readers that are still with me, I appreciate you and love you all for the support, encouragement and interaction. ❤