This morning, I was perusing Twitter feeds and saw something that hit home for me. I’m recalling this from memory and capturing the essence of what I saw on someone’s Tweet, but it went something like this:
“If you are constantly looking for something to make you happy, you won’t find it because you’re too focused on your unhappiness.”
I could relate to that sentiment almost immediately. As many of you have followed my blog for quite some time, I’d be surprised if some of you have not come to the conclusion that I am a negative person and I wallow in my self-pity. It’s true, I do. But lately, as I returned to work and found a decent job, I’m beginning to realize my soul isn’t fulfilled, but it’s not the job, per se, it’s something else.
The past year has been the biggest struggle, financially, for me than I have ever faced. I am not out of the woods just yet. I’m still having to work a side gig, but I am utterly burned out and bored with it. In fact, I should be doing it right now, because I am looking at a $1000 deficit for this month’s budget (I might have to cut some corners for the time being), about $300 short for December and in January I begin seeing a surplus of cash at the end of the month (that is, of course, if you ignore the massive student loans I still need to pay), so the new job is helping. But I’m tired. Burned out and tired.
I have little to look forward to on my time off. I don’t go to the gym anymore – haven’t been in years. I haven’t done martial arts in a few years either. Hiking has been sporadic, if at all, in the past couple of years. I certainly haven’t been out of town much, and some of the things I used to enjoy – like movies, reading, etc. – just doesn’t seem to be enjoyable. I haven’t been able to keep my attention on anything I used to take pleasure in doing.
I also find that focusing on anything spiritual seems to be a royal drag. Boring almost. Granted, as a lapsed catholic, I have not been to mass in years, let alone even feel like embracing the faith. In dealing with my alcoholism (which is considered a malady of the spirit), I haven’t bothered working the steps, calling my sponsor or showing up to meetings. All of it, seems like a burden and an encroachment to my time. A couple of years ago, I had made a commitment (trust me, that has been broken several times too) to praying and reading the bible, but my ability to keep my mind on any of it just doesn’t grasp my attention.
I’m also finding my interests in society – politics, people, current affairs, etc. – is not there either. I have taken an approach of I don’t Give a Fuck, Just Leave Me the Fuck Alone has worked for me so much better than engaging in conversations with people about topics I used to find interesting, compelling and important. My point in mentioning this, is that I can’t even find a sense of purpose in doing something important.
I’ve been trying to think of different, outside of the box ways to make money – the whole “do something you love” idea behind making money, but I am just not sure what gives me passion and purpose anymore. I remember at one time, when I was younger, I had this dream and fantasy of being a personal trainer or opening a gym or something like that. But now that I’m 90 pounds overweight and haven’t worked out in years, that is not a dream I could pursue in the short term at all. I had also wanted to open my own TaeKwon-Do school at one time and actually created a business once to do that, but I lacked confidence because I had gotten so overweight. I also remember taking a photography class in high school once, and although the “D” grade I earned didn’t help me consider doing that any further, I thought about trying that anyways. But then again, I don’t have the money to buy equipment, nor do I even remember the first thing about photography or have any clue about what I’m doing.
And volunteer work? It’s not that I have an issue doing any, it’s just that I don’t know what cause or concern I care about. I don’t know what pulls at my heart. I’ve volunteered to help at various things before – school events, church events, sporting events, etc. I’ve assisted other people in their volunteer efforts too. So, it’s not like I am unwilling to volunteer, but I just want to be able to find the passion and purpose in what I’m doing.
Ultimately, it’s not that I want to sound so negative or sound like I’m complaining, but I need something more. I feel the need to be something more and I can’t seem to find it.