Self-Destructive Frustration

I am self-destructive when frustrated.

I get frustrated when I am trying for an outcome that doesn’t occur.

The outcome doesn’t occur, although, I’m trying to effect that outcome through control.

I want to control what I can’t seem to accept.

I can’t accept what I don’t want as my reality.

When my reality is overwhelming, I become self-destructive.

It’s a vicious circle, honestly. And I know it has a tremendous amount to do with that little evil bitch known as Hilda – or even my alcoholism. I’ve been struggling. There are some things going right, but I am not quite over the hump, like I discussed a couple of weeks ago. Today, again, I should be trying to do the side-hustle that has helped me, but I am so burned out. I couldn’t even turn on the driving app today to do it, because I felt honest pain – an emotional pain that physically hurts. It’s depression. I know it is. That’s what happens to me. I get tired from trying, I get tired of constantly playing catch-up and I have no sense of security in my life. I know I am driving other people around me insane with my constant worrying, my constant panic that I’ll never get ahead in life. I can’t even focus my energy long enough on one task to see it through to completion – regardless of how well it might help me out…

I have to stop a moment…

Even as I am writing the above, I hear a voice in my head telling me I’m not being patient. But that’s the thing – I have been patient for over five years now. I am willing to work hard, but I’m sick of working hard and I want to work smart. I want to change the trajectory of my life. I want to find some sort of way to make extra money to give me the opportunity to accomplish my goals in life. As I get older, I begin to feel more of a panic that I’ll never find that place of serenity, that place where I can just feel comfortable being. I forgot what that feels like.

You know what?!

Fuck it…I don’t trust myself. There’s an AA meeting in 30 minutes. This cry baby bitch is going right now.

Fuck it.