I am self-destructive when frustrated.
I get frustrated when I am trying for an outcome that doesn’t occur.
The outcome doesn’t occur, although, I’m trying to effect that outcome through control.
I want to control what I can’t seem to accept.
I can’t accept what I don’t want as my reality.
When my reality is overwhelming, I become self-destructive.
It’s a vicious circle, honestly. And I know it has a tremendous amount to do with that little evil bitch known as Hilda – or even my alcoholism. I’ve been struggling. There are some things going right, but I am not quite over the hump, like I discussed a couple of weeks ago. Today, again, I should be trying to do the side-hustle that has helped me, but I am so burned out. I couldn’t even turn on the driving app today to do it, because I felt honest pain – an emotional pain that physically hurts. It’s depression. I know it is. That’s what happens to me. I get tired from trying, I get tired of constantly playing catch-up and I have no sense of security in my life. I know I am driving other people around me insane with my constant worrying, my constant panic that I’ll never get ahead in life. I can’t even focus my energy long enough on one task to see it through to completion – regardless of how well it might help me out…
I have to stop a moment…
Even as I am writing the above, I hear a voice in my head telling me I’m not being patient. But that’s the thing – I have been patient for over five years now. I am willing to work hard, but I’m sick of working hard and I want to work smart. I want to change the trajectory of my life. I want to find some sort of way to make extra money to give me the opportunity to accomplish my goals in life. As I get older, I begin to feel more of a panic that I’ll never find that place of serenity, that place where I can just feel comfortable being. I forgot what that feels like.
You know what?!
Fuck it…I don’t trust myself. There’s an AA meeting in 30 minutes. This cry baby bitch is going right now.
Fuck it.
The meeting sounds like a very good call.
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I’m glad I went.
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I behave in a very similar way. Much of my recovery has been about setting myself up for success when overwhelmed.
Letting go of control is very hard. Very.
I hope you find a little relief at the meeting.
Anne
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I am a little more relaxed now. I really want to learn more about this “success” thing you mentioned…
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