Self-Care and False Scenarios.

The past few days have been a little difficult on my sobriety, to say the least. You may have even noticed my last Hilda-episode, but I know I want to be sober. Yesterday was a little off. I didn’t feel right. I reached out on Twitter to a group known as the #RecoveryPosse – which is good, because they are all so encouraging. But during my conversations the past couple of days, two expressions really had me thinking and contemplating. One was on the idea of getting rid of “false-scenarios”. and the other was addressing “self-care”

For those of you new to my blog, or simply haven’t paid attention, I am bisexual. I also have a mild case of gender dysphoria (okay, I’m making light of a situation that might be extremely triggering for some, but it’s my story I am discussing here, so please accept that). And I wonder, sometimes, if I create false scenarios with this concept. Granted, I believe the person sharing this expression with me was focused on the assumptions and expectations we have about various situations, and I can certainly own that I have created those false scenarios – I am a work in progress, afterall. But, with respect to my sexuality and gender, I wonder if I complicate things for myself.

Recently, I was listening to a podcast that had a guest that had researched subject matters related to transgenders. And there was a claim she had made that research showed that some people that experienced same-sex attractions, sometimes attempted to rationalize their feelings and emotions by trying to express themselves as a different gender, so as to feel more at ease with their same-sex attractions. It made me realize, in a lot of ways, I have done this. I have often felt that the sex I have enjoyed with guys, felt more “right”, if I felt or took on a more traditionally feminine role in bed. There have been many times, I felt like my sexuality would feel more accommodating, if I had been born female. I don’t feel at odds with my same-sex attractions when people think of me, or see me, as female. On some level, I feel like I can’t accept sucking dick or being fucked (I’m being vulgar to express the point, but I feel kinda dirty saying it), unless the guy thinks of me as a woman. I’ve even an experience, once, where I asked a male lover to call me his girl. That made a lot more sense to me, then being a guy who does that.

But is that creating a false scenario in my head. I look in a mirror (as little as possible, if I can help it), and can easily see that there is nothing feminine about me on the outside. Even, the very few times, I’ve tried dressing in women’s clothing, it simply does not make visual sense to me. And I feel like the amount of stuff I would have to do to myself to make myself more feminine would be so time consuming, and draining, that I wonder if it’s worth it (trust me, I’m hairy in all of the wrong places). So, the reality is that I look and behave in very masculinely traditional ways, regardless of how I feel on the inside. And none of this, of course, negates the ways I interact with women in a sexual or romantic way. I mold into that role, as well.

But again, I ask myself: Am I creating false scenarios? Or what am I supposed to feel?

This leads me on to the next topic: Self-care.

Honestly? I don’t even know what to say about it. I have had so many people express to me, or advise me, that I need to practice more self-care. But I really don’t know what that means. I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t know how to make it a regular practice. What’s it supposed to look like? If I don’t figure it out, will I fall back into drinking.

Yes, I think I would inevitably fall back into drinking.

So, how do I figure that all out…what do I do with it?

Today is day 19, I’m going to a meeting (I intended this post to be longer, but I’m trying to make a commitment to my sobriety) and I plan to be sober today.

18 thoughts on “Self-Care and False Scenarios.

  1. I’d like to share my story with you today. I hope it gives you hope or perspective today as well as the strength to stay sober just for today.

    In 2019 after over 17 years of being clean from alcohol, I relapsed. I had spent the past 5 years dealing with the grief of losing my dad while battling cancer. All while in a verbally abusive relationship with a man who used gaslight to make my battle even harder. I snapped. I went to treatment and was doing great. The next thing I knew covid happened. Depression hit and on Thanksgiving Day 2020 I sat home alone with a bottle of wine and a crapload of Hallmark Christmas movies.

    From that day forward I drank periodically. On January 4th, 2021, we got news my sons dad had passed away suddenly while on vacation in Hawaii. He was 59. It broke all of our hearts. Especially mine, my sons and our granddaughter. I spent months trying to help my son navigate through having to fly his dad home from Hawaii, funeral, probate etc. I was being strong for my son but at the same time not dealing with my own heartache. My ex and I were great friends. He was always so good to me despite the fact our relationship didn’t work out. I loved him and I know he loved me. I started drinking again. I’ve been drinking every day, occasionally I’d miss a few days but primarily every day until last November 6th

    I had drank a bottle of wine and was stringing lights outside with my niece and nephew at my brothers house. We went downstairs to get more lights. There was a piano in the way so I had this grand idea to try and move it. Long story short, the piano, (it’s an upright) tipped and fell on top of me. Luckily the kids were not close to me otherwise I can’t even begin to imagine what might have happened. That’s the part that’s killing me inside.

    I was pinned underneath the piano. Through the grace of God my brother found the strength to lift that piano and get me out from under it. The result was I shattered and broke my fibula and tibia. I had emergency surgery the following morning. I will not be able to walk or drive for a minimum of a year. I am severely disabled. I have a long toad to recovery.

    I’ve never been an alcoholic who experienced withdrawals. Thank god! However, I am an alcoholic who struggles with forgiving myself. Im also an alcoholic who is an example of the sayin’ “one drink is too many and a million is not enough”. Once I start I’m off to the races.

    Today I’m one day away from two weeks sober. I’m not only in physical pain, but I’m also in emotional pain. I hate the fact that my choices might have hurt my niece or nephew or even my grandkids. This is a pain that will keep me sober for sometime.

    We all have a rock bottom. That Saturday was mine. I have prayed for months asking God to give me the strength to stop drinking. Well be careful what you pray for. God answered my prayer. Unfortunately I will spend the next year trying to heal from an injury that was certainly preventable. In a New York Minute my life has changed.

    I am a very strong woman. I’m also not one to look for sympathy. I always own up to my mistakes. Despite being an alcoholic. I own this bad decision. I haven’t cried once, not even after the accident while on my way to the hospital in an ambulance. Not even after my surgery. The pain is excruciating. But I accept that I did this the minute I chose to drink.

    I’m sharing today because i get it. You’re struggling. However, no problem is worth the possible consequence of that drink. That drink might just change your life forever. Sobriety is not easy but I can assure you it’s a hell of a lot better than the possible ramifications that might come from that one drink!! It’s up to you to decide if that drink, drug, whatever your addiction might be is worth the value of the life you have been blessed with. Accept who you are. Love yourself enough to do just that! Love yourself even when others don’t.

    My advice…Stay strong. You can do this. I can do this. We can do this and many before us have done it. Sobriety is possible if you want it bad enough!! Don’t let that stinkin’ thinkin’ rule your god give choice to be sober but most of all be you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Velma,

      I love you for sharing this with me. 💕
      I am a little speechless, because I know you’re telling me for my benefit and at the same time I feel compelled to offer words of comfort and compassion. Ever since we first encountered each other here, you have supported and embraced me – although I could not do that for myself. I related to you so well when you wrote “ I’ve never been an alcoholic who experienced withdrawals. Thank god! However, I am an alcoholic who struggles with forgiving myself. Im also an alcoholic who is an example of the sayin’ “one drink is too many and a million is not enough”. Once I start I’m off to the races.” This is me, without a doubt.

      I’m not drinking today. I went to a meeting. I called my sponsor and I had a meeting after a meeting with another woman that allowed me to come out to her. It felt miraculous.

      Thank you, so much for sharing with me. 🌸🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yesterday was full moon and eclipse, and many of us felt off or odd or tense or whatever. Good for you for doing the sobriety thing. I have found that aca/adult children of alcoholics meetings online have been superhelpful because they show how we maybe got screwed up if we grew up with any form of dysfunctional familes. I’d recommend it to anyone who feels like this might apply to them, even if the upbringing was not directly involving drunk parents. Neglect, perfectionism, narcissism, violence, poverty, discrimination, homophobia, all that kind of stuff in your past can make you tend toward certain troubles and tendencies later in life–it has been really helpful for me to attend them. best wishes

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My mom is an addict. And I found out a year ago that she was addicted for all of my upbringing and I had no clue. Zilch. Nada. Nothing.
      Of course, kids don’t really know everything, so they? Thank you for sharing this with me.


      1. I hope it has some benefit for you. many of the folks in the aca meetings also go to aa or na or oa or whatever and they say that the level of support and understanding from aca really helps them at their other [programs and includes so much about WHY people tend to have trouble and griefs that are just not addressed in their other programs. There is a main official website that shows all the meetings worldwide, in person, online, phone, and of course the confidentiality applies so you can use any name you want and be private.

        Liked by 1 person

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