The past few days have been a little difficult on my sobriety, to say the least. You may have even noticed my last Hilda-episode, but I know I want to be sober. Yesterday was a little off. I didn’t feel right. I reached out on Twitter to a group known as the #RecoveryPosse – which is good, because they are all so encouraging. But during my conversations the past couple of days, two expressions really had me thinking and contemplating. One was on the idea of getting rid of “false-scenarios”. and the other was addressing “self-care”
For those of you new to my blog, or simply haven’t paid attention, I am bisexual. I also have a mild case of gender dysphoria (okay, I’m making light of a situation that might be extremely triggering for some, but it’s my story I am discussing here, so please accept that). And I wonder, sometimes, if I create false scenarios with this concept. Granted, I believe the person sharing this expression with me was focused on the assumptions and expectations we have about various situations, and I can certainly own that I have created those false scenarios – I am a work in progress, afterall. But, with respect to my sexuality and gender, I wonder if I complicate things for myself.
Recently, I was listening to a podcast that had a guest that had researched subject matters related to transgenders. And there was a claim she had made that research showed that some people that experienced same-sex attractions, sometimes attempted to rationalize their feelings and emotions by trying to express themselves as a different gender, so as to feel more at ease with their same-sex attractions. It made me realize, in a lot of ways, I have done this. I have often felt that the sex I have enjoyed with guys, felt more “right”, if I felt or took on a more traditionally feminine role in bed. There have been many times, I felt like my sexuality would feel more accommodating, if I had been born female. I don’t feel at odds with my same-sex attractions when people think of me, or see me, as female. On some level, I feel like I can’t accept sucking dick or being fucked (I’m being vulgar to express the point, but I feel kinda dirty saying it), unless the guy thinks of me as a woman. I’ve even an experience, once, where I asked a male lover to call me his girl. That made a lot more sense to me, then being a guy who does that.
But is that creating a false scenario in my head. I look in a mirror (as little as possible, if I can help it), and can easily see that there is nothing feminine about me on the outside. Even, the very few times, I’ve tried dressing in women’s clothing, it simply does not make visual sense to me. And I feel like the amount of stuff I would have to do to myself to make myself more feminine would be so time consuming, and draining, that I wonder if it’s worth it (trust me, I’m hairy in all of the wrong places). So, the reality is that I look and behave in very masculinely traditional ways, regardless of how I feel on the inside. And none of this, of course, negates the ways I interact with women in a sexual or romantic way. I mold into that role, as well.
But again, I ask myself: Am I creating false scenarios? Or what am I supposed to feel?
This leads me on to the next topic: Self-care.
Honestly? I don’t even know what to say about it. I have had so many people express to me, or advise me, that I need to practice more self-care. But I really don’t know what that means. I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t know how to make it a regular practice. What’s it supposed to look like? If I don’t figure it out, will I fall back into drinking.
Yes, I think I would inevitably fall back into drinking.
So, how do I figure that all out…what do I do with it?
Today is day 19, I’m going to a meeting (I intended this post to be longer, but I’m trying to make a commitment to my sobriety) and I plan to be sober today.