What’s different this time?

I’m now at 30 days of sobriety.

I wish I can say, somehow, that this time is different than the previous times I’ve hit the 30 day mark. It’s not. Same unresolved resentments. Same emotional extremes. Same temptations. Same thoughts. Same financial problems (though, I do have a better job then previous times). Same inability to grasp or understand a God or Higher Power. Same struggle with my sexuality and how I view my gender. Same, same, same…

Even today, as I assumed would be wonder, the day has turned to shit. I don’t like it. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want the responsibilities of my life. It wasn’t like that 24 hours ago. 24 hours ago, I was feeling good, optimistic, encouraged, and dare I say “happy”? But today, I find one of my resentments rearing her head. It is the Hilda of my head, front and center in my authentic life. It is my inability to manage it. The absolute loss of control over my life and my inability to accept it. And it is the same as it has always been.

I don’t know what’s different. I really don’t think there is anything different. I want what I want out of my life, and my life doesn’t seem to want what’s best for me. I find myself at the same crossroad I always do and no ability to change course. I can’t find a path to inner freedom and peace. I don’t know how to get there.

I’ll pray.

I’ll go to a meeting.

I’ll call my sponsor.

I’ll take all of the so-called prescriptions required to treat my dis-ease…

…excluding one.

Trusting God.

I don’t.

I can’t even, honestly, tell if God is a God or a Goddess.

I can’t find Her or Him in any of the chaos and turmoil of my life. I can’t settle my mind long enough to hear if She/He has a voice that is speaking to me. Isn’t that the requirement? Be still and listen? How do I really do that?

I need something to change and I know, deep down in my heart and soul that I have to be the one to make that change. How do I find the fortitude to do that? How do I find the strength and force of will to do the one thing that I know will allow me the freedom to live my life on my life’s terms? It’s there.

I had it once…

10 thoughts on “What’s different this time?

  1. So cliche but I’ll say it, one day at a time. Sometimes it’s minute by minute. Don’t stand so close to your disappointments. Be kind to yourself. You don’t have to figure it all out today just handle today to the best of your ability without a drink.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love these words and completely agree. If I can, please allow me to add my own thoughts to your already so important and precious words. Princess…
      Sometimes the entire picture is too big, too overwhelming and too daunting. We have many goals and not the patience. We want to run before we have learned to walk. We are our worst critic and while we believe in second chances for others, we deny the same privilege to ourselves. I believe your process needs to be broken down into achievable steps. Pick something small, something achievable and fix that one thing. And then another and another. Once you do, your confidence will grow and eventually you will believe in yourself and become invincible. Nothing will stop you and life will fall into place.
      In my own experience, when things are so hard to come by, it was usually because I was focused on the wrong ideals. I had to prioritize what truly mattered to me. What was it that I needed. Not others. It does start with one step, but you have to make up your mind and it starts with that one thing. Is it to stop drinking? Is it your personal life which can span into an umbrella of many things? Is it your work, your lifestyle, your need to be accepted by others, or something completely else? Pick one thing and stick with it. Let it fuel you without distractions and be brave to go after it. If you always do the same thing you will always have the same results. You must grow tired of this outcome and if you are at that point, then it won’t be the same all over again and you will not touch another drink. It will be your last 30 days sober for life. You know I’ve always been in your corner cheering you on. Today is not any different and I’m not alone here. You can do it and we all believe in you. Now go and kick some ass, I wanna see day 60, day 90, day 360, day 2002, and day gazillion with your life turned around. You deserve it my friend.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Rhaps, I love you so much! I know what the most important thing is for me to work on: accepting myself as I am. And, I think that means working on the alcoholism first, because it impacts everything else. I have very broad goals in mind, but I truly believe that I run away from them and then drown myself in drinking to avoid the responsibility of living out those goals.
        I want to rise up to these with grace, beauty and love. That’s what I want.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I love you mostest Princess and I know you got this. You know what needs to be done, what takes priority and that nobody but you can do it. I merely rambled on so I could feel like I’m doing something to help you.
        I know that there is a battle going on. A battle you fight and it’s a matter of which side dominates. If you want grace, beauty and love with all your heart, there is not a damn thing that can stand in your way. You are unstoppable gorgeous. 🙌🏻

        Liked by 1 person

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