I’m now at 30 days of sobriety.
I wish I can say, somehow, that this time is different than the previous times I’ve hit the 30 day mark. It’s not. Same unresolved resentments. Same emotional extremes. Same temptations. Same thoughts. Same financial problems (though, I do have a better job then previous times). Same inability to grasp or understand a God or Higher Power. Same struggle with my sexuality and how I view my gender. Same, same, same…
Even today, as I assumed would be wonder, the day has turned to shit. I don’t like it. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want the responsibilities of my life. It wasn’t like that 24 hours ago. 24 hours ago, I was feeling good, optimistic, encouraged, and dare I say “happy”? But today, I find one of my resentments rearing her head. It is the Hilda of my head, front and center in my authentic life. It is my inability to manage it. The absolute loss of control over my life and my inability to accept it. And it is the same as it has always been.
I don’t know what’s different. I really don’t think there is anything different. I want what I want out of my life, and my life doesn’t seem to want what’s best for me. I find myself at the same crossroad I always do and no ability to change course. I can’t find a path to inner freedom and peace. I don’t know how to get there.
I’ll go to a meeting.
I’ll call my sponsor.
I’ll take all of the so-called prescriptions required to treat my dis-ease…
I can’t even, honestly, tell if God is a God or a Goddess.
I can’t find Her or Him in any of the chaos and turmoil of my life. I can’t settle my mind long enough to hear if She/He has a voice that is speaking to me. Isn’t that the requirement? Be still and listen? How do I really do that?
I need something to change and I know, deep down in my heart and soul that I have to be the one to make that change. How do I find the fortitude to do that? How do I find the strength and force of will to do the one thing that I know will allow me the freedom to live my life on my life’s terms? It’s there.
I had it once…