WARNING/Disclaimer: I’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and I have thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences (i.e. ages 21+). Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
This past week, I was thinking a lot about D…
Ya know, D…ick. Especially Big ones. Don’t ask me why, but I have this infatuation with large cocks. That might seem like an obvious thing, right? Like who doesn’t enjoy a well-hung man? I know this is simply a stereotype, but for me it might be something to do with my distroted view of sexual relationships with men and how I view myself.
You see, I think I have a small penis. I’ve been assured before that I have nothing to worry about, but I also know that people lie about these things for fear of hurting a man’s ego. I’ve done my own research, mind you, to determine the authenticity of this worry of mine (the internet has plenty of pictures) and have come to a conclusion.
I’ll keep it to myself, it’s my penis anyways and I don’t know that any of you really need to see it or know if I am above average, below average or simple plain average. Besides, it’s also been my experience that most people want sexual attention to be put on them and not on my penis….hahaha! Funny how that works out, right?
But honestly, I think the view I have of my penis has a tremendous amount to do with how I see other guys penises. You see, I have an expectation that they should be large, or at least…um…filling, for what it’s worth. I can remember being in middle school after gym class and forced to shower with my class mates and wait for the gym teacher to throw a towel (yes, i think my generation was the last generation to have to experience this sort of humiliation in school, since it is no longer allowed. I tried not to look, but I did. I always felt smaller and inept – I was of a small stature anyways, so it didn’t help my ego much anyways. This lack of confidence in myself carried on with me for many years. Even in college, the dorm I stayed in had a community shower. Whereas most of my classmates stayed in bed as long as they could before having to be to their first class, I was awake and 4:00 a.m. making sure I got in the shower and out long before any other guys got in there. I was afraid of being seen.
Of course, the other obvious thing that had me avoid being around other guys, is my sexuality. I had mentioned before that I never really understood or accepted that I was bisexual until much later in life, so you can imagine how I didn’t like the fact that I would become aroused around guys I liked – especially those with a nice penis. It was an uncomfortable embarrassment, and unfortunately, I would likely get ridiculed by others that realized I liked guys. So, I tried to avoid anyone with a penis.
But I think this weird trait I had about penis and the expectation that they were supposed to be large, led to sexual encounters that didn’t play out well. I remember, for example, having been with a guy that was kinda small. He was really cute, really hot body and when he and I hooked up, I thought it was going to be really fun. But, he was a lot smaller than I felt I was and, it’s embarrassing, but I did not enjoy sex with him. Years later, I could look back and think that the reality was that it wasn’t his size that bothered me nearly as much as his lack of confidence. I needed him to take charge and he wouldn’t. But at the time, I strongly considered the way I viewed the penis and that I had an unrealistic expectation of what they should look like.
And, as far as I was concerned, they should all be huge…
…and it hit me.
Well, the penis didn’t hit me, but a thought had hit me, when I came to the realization. This expectation was a direct result of being molested. I hated myself for feeling like that, I hated myself for thinking that my attraction to a large penis had everything to do with being hurt by an adult male when I was a small child. One would think I should be disgusted and terrified by them, but I wasn’t. I never understood that about myself. Was I some twisted individual that had a distorted view of sex? Did something like this even mean I was bisexual?
I believe I have mentioned before that I felt that coming to terms with my sexuality, was difficult because of being sexually abused. It made me wonder if there was something wrong with me for enjoying sex with a guy, or being attracted to a guy. I couldn’t make the connection between my affinity for women and yet still finding some men hot. It always left me questioning myself.
So, sometimes, like this past week when I found myself thinking about the male sex organ, I find myself questioning if there is something wrong with me, or if I am completely normal for liking the D…
The only thing I can fall back on is that I know, some of my sexual experiences I enjoyed and some I did not.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s the normal part.