Honestly, it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything. I suppose, my lack of creativity is coming from the fact that I am doing so much better than I was even a few months ago. There is the adage that artists draw on their own pain and maybe there is some element of that with respect to my lack of writing. And the truth of the matter is that I am gaining a new, different perspective to life than I have in the past 10 or 15 years. But, let me go ahead and update you all so that you know where I am at and what I am doing.
First, and foremost, I am now sober longer than I have been in the past 10 or 15 years. I am either 204 days or 205 days, depending on which sobriety counter app you use. I had my last drink at about 9:00 p.m. on October 30th, 2021, but I am calling Halloween my official date of sobriety – because it is spooky to think that I could have gone down into an inescapable abyss. But, I am in recovery, I have adopted and embraced the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I am currently in the midst of working on steps 8 and 9 – listing the people I have hurt and making amends. I have also learned to trust God – even if I don’t fully understand Him or Her, because my understanding is limited and I have come to accept that.
I wish I had great news about my financial recovery, but unfortunately, I have not met some super-sexy rich man willing to take care of me…hahaha! However, the job I currently have has helped me tremendously. I won’t lie about my situation, because it is still dire and I have a long ways to go before I can call myself financially secure, but the sinking has stopped. The spiral into complete ruin has been hindered. The job I have has good pay and benefits. Not everything is perfect, because I work a graveyard shift; but I am learning to look past the imperfections where my mind wants to focus and look for the things that are good. It’s helping tremendously.
I’m beginning to realize and accept that I will always have un unease and conflict over my sexuality and gender. These are something I simply cannot understand about myself, but I am learning to not force myself to try and figure it out. I think I encapsulate a lot of societal misunderstandings and try and rationalize my own existence with respect to my sexuality and gender and I have discovered I can’t ever seem to be “okay”. And on some level, maybe that is the reality for me. I often find myself at odds with being male, because I present myself in feminine ways – especially online. And I knew, a long time ago that I felt like I couldn’t fully appreciate my attraction to men unless I were female. To me, it felt like it would make much more sense if I had been born female. But, what I’m not doing is beating myself up. I think I may finally be pulling away from the self-hatred that has defined me for so long. Truthfully, I think I may even be at a point in my life where I simply do not care. I suppose, since there is no man I want to have sex with, it’s become kind of irrelevant. Granted, I still do things that are traditionally considered feminine – like wear panties, shave my legs, get my nails done, etc. But. these things are not a defining quality for me either. Sometimes I do it and I don’t feel horrified by the fact that I enjoy them. Somedays, I can easily go without doing them and be okay with it too. I think it’s just not much of a thing anymore.
As to my relationship? Hmmm…that is still complex. I suppose on some level, I have learned to manage my own choices and behaviors a lot better than I used to. But I credit that with daily prayer. I know I can’t do this on my own. I won’t deny there are still major problems and that I will eventually need to make a decision, but I’m not emotionally equipped to do that just yet. Someday, I am sure I will be. But I keep living each day as it comes and I keep an understanding with God that I don’t need to have all of the answers to everything. I’m certainly aware that I need to continue to learn about myself and learn how to handle my own emotional needs. And, I think on some level, this will be the miracle that will eventually happen for me.
I can’t promise that I will be writing again on a routine basis, but I do miss being here and I do miss discussing the various things I used to discuss. But, hopefully, I won’t be nearly as absent as I have been. But I know it was important for me to pull away from some of the negativity I used to spew. I was my own sick disease and I was pulling myself apart. But somewhere a long the line, something happened. I don’t fully know what it is or how it happened, but I feel like a sober girl…or guy…or what the fuck ever. I don’t even care at this point. 🙂