There is always some link that is missing in a story of evolution, isn’t there? Except, I’m not really speaking about Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. No, I’m referring to my own personal evolution and I feel like something is missing. I can’t even answer the question about what I think it might be. In fact, I sort of feel like I should be feeling differently than how I have been feeling for quite some time.
Things seem to be going better than they have in a long time. I’m approaching nine months of sobriety. I’m working a good job that is helping me get caught up on a lot of financial problems (although, it doesn’t evade me that my financial problems will be with me for a very long time, but they are more manageable), I’m at much more peace with my sexuality and gender issues than I have ever been, I’ve started working on damaged relationships, etc.
But, I’m not feeling happy.
I’m not feeling the joy at life I used to feel when I was younger. My energy feels low. My demeanor, although, not negative, is somewhat sardonic about things in life. But, I am learning to work through those things. I do feel some challenges on some personal goals – like time constraints and some lack of motivation – but nothing that would make me feel down. I am even fighting off the negative Hilda that visits by relying on Stephanie to love me when I can’t love myself.
There is something, simply, missing in my life. I’m not sure what it is. I’m not sure how to discover it. And, I’m not sure I know I’d recognize it, if I came across it. When I get in these moods, I do wonder if this is the depression I have felt for years – or the remnants that are always there in my mind, waiting for a resurgence.
And I wonder if I am relying on my old coping skills for most of the problems I’ve encountered in life: avoidance.
Yes, I used to avoid anything that made me feel bad. I avoided facing my sexuality. I avoided facing the financial struggles of my life. I avoided conflict in relationships. I avoided spirituality. I avoided the responsibilities, if I felt adhering to my responsibilities would be meaningless to others. I’ve avoided my principles and moral values, if I felt they would be hurtful to someone else. But even these don’t seem to be what I’m dealing with right now. I can almost feel like I am avoiding something, but I truly can’t put my finger on what it is.