The Missing Link

There is always some link that is missing in a story of evolution, isn’t there? Except, I’m not really speaking about Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. No, I’m referring to my own personal evolution and I feel like something is missing. I can’t even answer the question about what I think it might be. In fact, I sort of feel like I should be feeling differently than how I have been feeling for quite some time.

Things seem to be going better than they have in a long time. I’m approaching nine months of sobriety. I’m working a good job that is helping me get caught up on a lot of financial problems (although, it doesn’t evade me that my financial problems will be with me for a very long time, but they are more manageable), I’m at much more peace with my sexuality and gender issues than I have ever been, I’ve started working on damaged relationships, etc.

But, I’m not feeling happy.

I’m not feeling the joy at life I used to feel when I was younger. My energy feels low. My demeanor, although, not negative, is somewhat sardonic about things in life. But, I am learning to work through those things. I do feel some challenges on some personal goals – like time constraints and some lack of motivation – but nothing that would make me feel down. I am even fighting off the negative Hilda that visits by relying on Stephanie to love me when I can’t love myself.

There is something, simply, missing in my life. I’m not sure what it is. I’m not sure how to discover it. And, I’m not sure I know I’d recognize it, if I came across it. When I get in these moods, I do wonder if this is the depression I have felt for years – or the remnants that are always there in my mind, waiting for a resurgence.

And I wonder if I am relying on my old coping skills for most of the problems I’ve encountered in life: avoidance.

Yes, I used to avoid anything that made me feel bad. I avoided facing my sexuality. I avoided facing the financial struggles of my life. I avoided conflict in relationships. I avoided spirituality. I avoided the responsibilities, if I felt adhering to my responsibilities would be meaningless to others. I’ve avoided my principles and moral values, if I felt they would be hurtful to someone else. But even these don’t seem to be what I’m dealing with right now. I can almost feel like I am avoiding something, but I truly can’t put my finger on what it is.

One thought on “The Missing Link

  1. When things go from good to bad to very bad but then start to turn back toward good, that’s a great relief but not necessarily something that lends itself to happiness because this is the business of adulting and being happy is… more of a personal thing and usually found in the things one enjoys or learns to. You mention avoidance and I understand that… but what do you think you’re avoiding that isn’t allowing you to be happy about anything? So, yeah, asking yourself what’s missing is a good place to start but don’t “worry” yourself trying to figure it out; it’s been my experience that whenever I’ve felt like something was missing as far as being happy went, if I didn’t “think” about it a whole lot, it would eventually make itself known to me…

    Liked by 3 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s