I feel like nothing works.

I’d probs lay go to rehab, but I have no insurance and no money. I can’t stay sober. I keep going to meetings, but I can’t seem to make any of it work. my life completely sucks a big cock and unfortunately, it’s not me doing the sucking... TMI? Yeah, probably is... I have no … Continue reading I feel like nothing works.

Dangerous Time

The title might seem appropriate to the times we're living in due to the Covid-19 pandemic, but it's actually about the fact that I am at a month sober. In fact, tomorrow marks 30 days since I last drank. And it's dangerous for me because I have been here before. I was mentioning to someone … Continue reading Dangerous Time

Take 2: I’m Done Allowing Shame to F&^K Me!

I’m re-blogging this today, because I made a mistake yesterday and drank a beer. It was Easter dinner and someone in my household offered me a beer and I accepted it with no hesitation whatsoever. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, I knew that drinking one would make me crave more. I did crave more. I didn’t have more. I certainly don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to say “No, thank you”, but obviously, it is. I briefly wanted to lambaste myself and call myself an unsuccessful loser. I recognized that was Hilda, but I decided to let Stephanie shine instead. Stephanie told me it is okay, it’s a mistake and there is no reason to condemn myself over it. She told me that I need to focus on the beautiful progress I’ve made and let that be the guiding light to continue the path I’ve begun.

So, I’m back to the beginning. Yesterday at 4:00 p.m., I began Day 1 again.

Edit (04/16/2020): I’m not calling it Day 1. I’m keeping my original sobriety date. This is a blip on the radar and having it reminded me that this is NOT the route I want to take. I didn’t have more, I didn’t want to descend into the darkness of my mind. I turned away from it, so I’m calling it a mother-fucking success!

Acquiescent Soul

I’ve attached shame to so many things, but if I were to put together a list, it would look like this:

My relationships

Being bisexual

My faith

My alcoholism

My role as a parent

My role as a partner

My job situation

My financial situation

My health

My weight

And many others. I began blogging many years ago to discuss so many different things – sex, my marriage at the time, and my depression were going to be my primary focus. Over the past several years, however, I have discovered so much more about myself and certainly not all of it has been an exciting or happy experience. For example, when I was at the lowest point in my depression, I couldn’t even find the energy to take care of personal hygiene. I wouldn’t wear deodorant, brush my teeth – let alone anything else that is good care for oneself…

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