Before I begin this topic, I am going to preface it with the fact that I started it, deleted it, started it and deleted it again. And then I decided to say, "Fuck it, I'm writing it, because it's part of my story!" So, here goes... My wife (yes, we are on a hiatus from … Continue reading Embarrassing Memory: Dropping trouser or God at work?
I’m re-blogging this today, because I made a mistake yesterday and drank a beer. It was Easter dinner and someone in my household offered me a beer and I accepted it with no hesitation whatsoever. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, I knew that drinking one would make me crave more. I did crave more. I didn’t have more. I certainly don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to say “No, thank you”, but obviously, it is. I briefly wanted to lambaste myself and call myself an unsuccessful loser. I recognized that was Hilda, but I decided to let Stephanie shine instead. Stephanie told me it is okay, it’s a mistake and there is no reason to condemn myself over it. She told me that I need to focus on the beautiful progress I’ve made and let that be the guiding light to continue the path I’ve begun.
So, I’m back to the beginning. Yesterday at 4:00 p.m., I began Day 1 again.
Edit (04/16/2020): I’m not calling it Day 1. I’m keeping my original sobriety date. This is a blip on the radar and having it reminded me that this is NOT the route I want to take. I didn’t have more, I didn’t want to descend into the darkness of my mind. I turned away from it, so I’m calling it a mother-fucking success!
I’ve attached shame to so many things, but if I were to put together a list, it would look like this:
My role as a parent
My role as a partner
My job situation
My financial situation
And many others. I began blogging many years ago to discuss so many different things – sex, my marriage at the time, and my depression were going to be my primary focus. Over the past several years, however, I have discovered so much more about myself and certainly not all of it has been an exciting or happy experience. For example, when I was at the lowest point in my depression, I couldn’t even find the energy to take care of personal hygiene. I wouldn’t wear deodorant, brush my teeth – let alone anything else that is good care for oneself…
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I have to be honest. I'm not managing my sobriety so well. I haven't been going to AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings - I'm easily using the Covid-19 pandemic as an excuse (not to mention I live in a state with a mandated stay at home order) - I am sporadically calling my sponsor, and I've … Continue reading Managing Sobriety…? Yeah, right!
Yesterday was Day 1, again, after I was going to have a day one two days ago and didn't make it. Truthfully, I know my ego prevents me from admitting a weakness. I hate the "alcoholic" label and I still mess around with the idea that I'm not, because I don't get drunk. I have … Continue reading I made it through.
I'm really struggling with my anxiety and depression today. Sunday, I was feeling super positive and motivated to make some real changes in my life, but here I am two days later and I'm struggling with simple tasks. It took everything in me to get in the shower this morning, as an example. I can't … Continue reading Tears Well Up