The second I said those words (the title of this post), I knew I regretted it. The full sentence I said was, "Our marriage is the icing on the shit cake of my life." It was mean, hateful, cruel and not the truth. The reality is that I was hurting from so much at the … Continue reading “The Icing on the Shit Cake of My Life…”
Yesterday's post about me feeling desperate might have come across differently than I intended it. I really meant it to designate me marking a turning point, but I noticed from some of the people who messaged me privately, that it might have come across as me giving up. And, I suppose on some level, I … Continue reading I tried to pray today…
again, and again, and again, if I have to. Day 1 Sober
I’m re-blogging this today, because I made a mistake yesterday and drank a beer. It was Easter dinner and someone in my household offered me a beer and I accepted it with no hesitation whatsoever. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, I knew that drinking one would make me crave more. I did crave more. I didn’t have more. I certainly don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to say “No, thank you”, but obviously, it is. I briefly wanted to lambaste myself and call myself an unsuccessful loser. I recognized that was Hilda, but I decided to let Stephanie shine instead. Stephanie told me it is okay, it’s a mistake and there is no reason to condemn myself over it. She told me that I need to focus on the beautiful progress I’ve made and let that be the guiding light to continue the path I’ve begun.
So, I’m back to the beginning. Yesterday at 4:00 p.m., I began Day 1 again.
Edit (04/16/2020): I’m not calling it Day 1. I’m keeping my original sobriety date. This is a blip on the radar and having it reminded me that this is NOT the route I want to take. I didn’t have more, I didn’t want to descend into the darkness of my mind. I turned away from it, so I’m calling it a mother-fucking success!
I’ve attached shame to so many things, but if I were to put together a list, it would look like this:
My role as a parent
My role as a partner
My job situation
My financial situation
And many others. I began blogging many years ago to discuss so many different things – sex, my marriage at the time, and my depression were going to be my primary focus. Over the past several years, however, I have discovered so much more about myself and certainly not all of it has been an exciting or happy experience. For example, when I was at the lowest point in my depression, I couldn’t even find the energy to take care of personal hygiene. I wouldn’t wear deodorant, brush my teeth – let alone anything else that is good care for oneself…
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...my part time job. I went against my own principles and quit a job without notice. As many of you know, I have been working a part-time job since last September as a means of closing the gab between my expenses and my income. It was simple math, right? Well, here is where the complexity … Continue reading So, I quit…