It’s been a while…

I haven't written in a while. I've been busy, pre-occupied, stressed, optimistic, fearful, tired, hopeful, etc. I'm a mixed bag of emotions, honestly. But I felt the need to give an update to how my life is going. I won't lie, I am in the midst of the most difficult struggle of my life. It …

I had a beer…

(Ignore the title, I’m reblogging an old post. At the moment, I am alcohol free…)

Obviously, I have been here before. Today marks 99 days.
I want to drink.
I had another argument with my wife. It’s always the same. I hate myself as a result of our relationship. I want to tell her I’ll be out of her life by next weekend and then just spend the next week drinking myself to oblivion.
That’s what my dis-ease is telling me. That’s what Hilda is telling me.
I haven’t done my 4th step yet. I can’t seem to address my two biggest resentments – my wife and myself.
I have no idea how I’m going to make it. I want to drink. All day yesterday the negativity around me was firing my nerves. I wanted to drink. Then this morning shit happened that is too hard to go into detail as I write this post on my phone. I am dying to go to Old Chicago in three hours when it opens and drink as much beer as I can. The only thought reverberating around my head is how much I want out of my life.
At this moment, I’m sitting in my car, at a park and going through my old posts trying to find my reason for not drinking. The last time I made it to 99 days – almost 2 years ago – I gave it up on a whim. Today, my thoughts are intentional…

Acquiescent Soul

I made it 99 days (this past Saturday), before I decided to drink a beer. I went to dinner with my wife, she ordered a glass of wine and I ordered a beer. I drank one beer with dinner. I felt guilty, but I felt guilty because I felt like I would be letting AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) members down. I don’t feel guilty that I’m doing something to myself.

I didn’t feel any urge to continue drinking. It was one beer that tasted good while I ate a steak and creamed spinach. My wife and I continued our date that night and attended a comedy club, where I ordered iced tea.  I didn’t have the urge to drink. I wasn’t craving any more beer. Everything felt fine.

Obviously, this has me questioning if I am an alcoholic. What if I am not? What if I simply found that alcohol was…

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BMJ: Day 155 – Let Go of That Girl

Disclaimer: I don’t maintain this series in my blog in order or on time, but as I read through this book, I add to my Beautiful Me Journal. I consider it a work in progress, because I consider myself a work in progress. *********************************************************************************************** Today's entry into my Beautiful Me Journal (BMJ) is somewhat of a conflict …

Cynical

Feeling sorry for myself? That's the absolute worst thing I think Hilda has me feeling. I hate that I have succumbed to that crap. And it's a criticism I heard about myself this morning. The criticism was intended to be constructive and it was. Of course, I didn't want to accept it...not really. Rather, I …

I’m hot and I’m cold…

I'm not sure why my mood changes so often, but it does. It's kind of tedious, honestly, but I can wake up in the best of moods and then have it change to complete fear based negativity in a heartbeat. Take for example, this morning. I was full of optimism this morning. I was full …