Running Into Non-Existent Brick Walls

I am not sure how to describe what I'm feeling today. The last few days has me feeling disengaged from my recovery program. I'm having a difficult time relating to people in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Zoom meetings. I'm having a tough time with getting any insight from my sponsor. I'm finding my mind drifting at … Continue reading Running Into Non-Existent Brick Walls

Mountainous Challenges as I Get Into Sobriety

I've always kind have been a a go home or go big kind of person. I don't enjoy the mundane and I prefer to take on tasks or goals that challenge me. I've never been afraid to push myself to my limits for the purpose of pushing the boundaries of those limits for the purpose … Continue reading Mountainous Challenges as I Get Into Sobriety

Take 2: I’m Done Allowing Shame to F&^K Me!

I’m re-blogging this today, because I made a mistake yesterday and drank a beer. It was Easter dinner and someone in my household offered me a beer and I accepted it with no hesitation whatsoever. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, I knew that drinking one would make me crave more. I did crave more. I didn’t have more. I certainly don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to say “No, thank you”, but obviously, it is. I briefly wanted to lambaste myself and call myself an unsuccessful loser. I recognized that was Hilda, but I decided to let Stephanie shine instead. Stephanie told me it is okay, it’s a mistake and there is no reason to condemn myself over it. She told me that I need to focus on the beautiful progress I’ve made and let that be the guiding light to continue the path I’ve begun.

So, I’m back to the beginning. Yesterday at 4:00 p.m., I began Day 1 again.

Edit (04/16/2020): I’m not calling it Day 1. I’m keeping my original sobriety date. This is a blip on the radar and having it reminded me that this is NOT the route I want to take. I didn’t have more, I didn’t want to descend into the darkness of my mind. I turned away from it, so I’m calling it a mother-fucking success!

Acquiescent Soul

I’ve attached shame to so many things, but if I were to put together a list, it would look like this:

My relationships

Being bisexual

My faith

My alcoholism

My role as a parent

My role as a partner

My job situation

My financial situation

My health

My weight

And many others. I began blogging many years ago to discuss so many different things – sex, my marriage at the time, and my depression were going to be my primary focus. Over the past several years, however, I have discovered so much more about myself and certainly not all of it has been an exciting or happy experience. For example, when I was at the lowest point in my depression, I couldn’t even find the energy to take care of personal hygiene. I wouldn’t wear deodorant, brush my teeth – let alone anything else that is good care for oneself…

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Perfectionism: Or How My Thoughts Spin Out of Control.

Yesterday, I indicated that I wasn't managing my sobriety so well. That's probably an understatement, and today - this morning, especially - I felt my thoughts begin to unravel my emotions. It was a common tactic of Hilda, I'm sure. But I don't want to feel this way, so I am writing this all down, … Continue reading Perfectionism: Or How My Thoughts Spin Out of Control.