To say I have a conflict with God is an understatement. I truly have a love-hate relationship with Him. I often mention that I was raised Catholic and currently reject it based upon my sexuality, but I know I really can't ignore my love and need for God either. Currently, I feel like an internal … Continue reading What is right – God or not?
As many of you know, I am an alcoholic and I use the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) as the pathway to my recovery. And I am currently on the 4th step of this program: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." This step involves the listing of resentments, figuring out the causes, understanding how … Continue reading Working Through Step 4…
(Ignore the title, I’m reblogging an old post. At the moment, I am alcohol free…)
Obviously, I have been here before. Today marks 99 days.
I want to drink.
I had another argument with my wife. It’s always the same. I hate myself as a result of our relationship. I want to tell her I’ll be out of her life by next weekend and then just spend the next week drinking myself to oblivion.
That’s what my dis-ease is telling me. That’s what Hilda is telling me.
I haven’t done my 4th step yet. I can’t seem to address my two biggest resentments – my wife and myself.
I have no idea how I’m going to make it. I want to drink. All day yesterday the negativity around me was firing my nerves. I wanted to drink. Then this morning shit happened that is too hard to go into detail as I write this post on my phone. I am dying to go to Old Chicago in three hours when it opens and drink as much beer as I can. The only thought reverberating around my head is how much I want out of my life.
At this moment, I’m sitting in my car, at a park and going through my old posts trying to find my reason for not drinking. The last time I made it to 99 days – almost 2 years ago – I gave it up on a whim. Today, my thoughts are intentional…
I made it 99 days (this past Saturday), before I decided to drink a beer. I went to dinner with my wife, she ordered a glass of wine and I ordered a beer. I drank one beer with dinner. I felt guilty, but I felt guilty because I felt like I would be letting AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) members down. I don’t feel guilty that I’m doing something to myself.
I didn’t feel any urge to continue drinking. It was one beer that tasted good while I ate a steak and creamed spinach. My wife and I continued our date that night and attended a comedy club, where I ordered iced tea. I didn’t have the urge to drink. I wasn’t craving any more beer. Everything felt fine.
Obviously, this has me questioning if I am an alcoholic. What if I am not? What if I simply found that alcohol was…
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Although, I haven’t written much since, I wanted to share this post again.
As I work through my 4th step in the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step program, there are two resentments I have left to put down in writing. I’m finding both very difficult to do. They are my marriage and myself. Today, I’m getting ready to talk about my marriage and my role in it. When I first began blogging, my entire intention was to use the slight anonymity I could feel on the web to divulge things. Although I am literally scared and will have to admit to my own horrible actions, it is time to face those. This is easily 25 years in the making…
Day 78 sober.
WARNING/Disclaimer:I’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and I have thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is intended for mature audiences (i.e. ages 21+). Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
I am finally ready to begin opening up about my marriage. In fact, when I first began blogging several years ago, it was never intended to be anything but we whining and crying about my marriage. Of course, I didn’t want to sound like a big crybaby so I never began actually talking about my marriage. But, as long as I’ve been blogging, some of this has crept in and it is obvious I have been…
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I'm working on my 4th Step from the Alcoholics Anonymous program. It's painful. For those who do not know, it's an accounting process of every resentment you feel and addressing those resentments. That's the short version of it. What you're not told is the pain, anger, gnashing of teeth you go through as you begin … Continue reading Pain…