Yesterday's post had me feeling positive about my life, but today, I'm not feeling so positive. It's probably similar for a lot of people, but I directly link my level of happiness and joy to my relationship with my wife. Today, is full of anxiety, because I somehow pissed Michelle off. I can tell, because … Continue reading S.A.R.D. #32: Defining Toxicity – I’m No Knight in Shining Armor
(Ignore the title, I’m reblogging an old post. At the moment, I am alcohol free…)
Obviously, I have been here before. Today marks 99 days.
I want to drink.
I had another argument with my wife. It’s always the same. I hate myself as a result of our relationship. I want to tell her I’ll be out of her life by next weekend and then just spend the next week drinking myself to oblivion.
That’s what my dis-ease is telling me. That’s what Hilda is telling me.
I haven’t done my 4th step yet. I can’t seem to address my two biggest resentments – my wife and myself.
I have no idea how I’m going to make it. I want to drink. All day yesterday the negativity around me was firing my nerves. I wanted to drink. Then this morning shit happened that is too hard to go into detail as I write this post on my phone. I am dying to go to Old Chicago in three hours when it opens and drink as much beer as I can. The only thought reverberating around my head is how much I want out of my life.
At this moment, I’m sitting in my car, at a park and going through my old posts trying to find my reason for not drinking. The last time I made it to 99 days – almost 2 years ago – I gave it up on a whim. Today, my thoughts are intentional…
I made it 99 days (this past Saturday), before I decided to drink a beer. I went to dinner with my wife, she ordered a glass of wine and I ordered a beer. I drank one beer with dinner. I felt guilty, but I felt guilty because I felt like I would be letting AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) members down. I don’t feel guilty that I’m doing something to myself.
I didn’t feel any urge to continue drinking. It was one beer that tasted good while I ate a steak and creamed spinach. My wife and I continued our date that night and attended a comedy club, where I ordered iced tea. I didn’t have the urge to drink. I wasn’t craving any more beer. Everything felt fine.
Obviously, this has me questioning if I am an alcoholic. What if I am not? What if I simply found that alcohol was…
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Honestly, I am having a bit of rough day today, so this particular entry into my Beautiful Me Journal is laced with a little bitter realization, but I have decided to write about it anyways. In this entry the author of the book I've been following suggests considering THE unresolved issue in my life and … Continue reading BMJ: Day 138 – Consider the unresolved issue in your life.
WARNING/Disclaimer: I’m going to be discussing something of an adult nature. I am whipping this out as it comes to mind and I have thoughts that are raw and uncensored – I may or may not use vulgarity. Oh, and it may have tons of grammatical and spelling errors too (Oh, the horror!?!?!). This post is … Continue reading S.A.R.D. #24 – Breaking-Up
"Do you look for her to be happy to decide if you're happy...?" I remember the therapist asking me about the relationship I have with my wife. I've spent countless hours in therapy trying to figure out what's wrong with me, trying to understand how to make myself better for a relationship. Although relationships really should … Continue reading Relationship Status: Co-Dependent